Vote NO on Issue Beelzebub

Several years back — three years ago to the day, actually — we posted a “Memo To The Squirrel Who Defaced Our Pumpkin.” Several readers thought perhaps the nefarious squirrel, whose eyes burned like the fires of hell, was simply misunderstood. They called him “cute.” This led us to do some oppo on our nemesis, whom we were able to I.D. as Beelzebub The Squirrel. His reign of terror was thoroughly documented here.

Now, regrettably, Beelzebub has returned. Behold.


Our pumpkin originally had a full set of teeth. When we spotted Beelzebub gnawing on a huge chunk of Mr. Pumpkin’s face tonight, we reached for the shotgun.

Because we do not own a shotgun, we were forced instead to dig further into Beelzebub’s wretched past. The details are shocking. The faint of heart are encouraged to forego the rest of this post. What you are about to see is not pretty.

A lifetime subscriber to Guns & Ammo, Beelzebub was ecstatic to receive the Beretta PX4 issue.


Beelzebub never travels without his hookah.


Friends wearied of his constant Mission Impossible reinactments.


Upon completing Defense Against The Dark Arts, Beelzebub could apparate into any feeder he wanted.


Beelzebub’s collaboration with “Weird Al” Yankovic on a Sir Mix-a-Lot spoof did not chart.


Pitchfork said his musical collaboration with various canned goods “defies categorization or numerical value. We have no idea if this is the future of music or the end of the world.”


Beelzebub’s stint on the Canadian World Cup squad was short-lived after an ill-advised bicycle kick led to a career-ending groin pull. 


Despite being near-sighted, he is known to wear an eye-patch when he’s packing.


To make ends meet, Beelzebub collaborated with Hallmark on a series of very lame birthday cards. He called the experience “humiliating.”


His boxing foes said he frequently hit after the bell, below the belt.


Republican critics say Beelzebub is the real leader of the free world.


Art historians are unanimous that this is not an improvement upon the original.


In conclusion, when you step into the voting booth next month — please, vote no on Issue Beelzebub.


3 thoughts on “Vote NO on Issue Beelzebub

  1. I think he’s been to our house too. We once had 5 pumpkins on our front porch…now we have zero. My poor children were scarred every time we opened the front door and another pumpkin was defaced. Jack now points to the squirrels in the woods and says, “No No No” every time we’re outside (regardless if he actually sees one or not). And our 2 Jack-o-lanterns? Currently sitting in my dining room to preserve them until Halloween. Beelzebub is definitely operating out of the Deer Park area…

  2. My parents walked Sam around the neighborhood multiple times last weekend and said Beelzebub’s path of destruction was evident everywhere. He is a blight upon our community. He is evil incarnate. VOTE NO ON BEELZEBUB.

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