Christian Bale, movies

Live-Blogging the 2011 Oscars!

Once again, Erin is kicking things off until Ben gets home. But first, a couple things of note.

1) Erin is going on day ten of being sick. She has been to the doctor, taken off work, gone back to work, been on the mend, then off the mend, to an Urgent Care center, and finally, thankfully, on drugs which have promised her health at some point in the near future. Hopefully.

2) She’s just taken her evening dose of antibiotic as well as a cough suppressant with a sleep aid, so this little venture in typing keys may end on the soon side.

3) Erin has an ear infection, like the one that babies and small children get, and can’t hear a whole lot of her right ear. Everything is muffled and extremely irritating. Therefore, she has the closed captioning on.

7:37 p.m.: Scarlet Johansson is STUNNING. Very pretty shade of purple, and I may be the only woman in America who doesn’t hate Scarlet.

7:42: Annette Bening is boring. Graham cracker and nose-blow break.

7:43: Valentino is orange. Also, his tongue is hanging out of his mouth a la serpent. Poor Anne Hathaway.

7:49: Folks, sorry, I’ve got nothing but snot and half-hearted hearing going on in this noggin of mine. You’ll have to wait for Ben to come home.

9:06: Ben comes home to find Erin passed out under a towering pile of Kleenex and crinkled graham cracker wrappings. Scooter Thomas’ water dish is full of NyQuil. Ben rustles Erin. “I’m sorry I failed you,” she says of her live-blogging. “But I felt like every keystroke was eating a piece of my brain.” It’s OK, honey. But I’m alarmed that Scooter Thomas is chain-smoking and doing charcoal sketches of Javier Bardem.

9:14: Aaron Sorkin wins for best adapted screenplay. He describes what it was like to chisel the screenplay for The Social Network into the stone tablets handed to him by God.

9:19: David Seidler accepts the Oscar for Original Screenplay for King’s Speech. Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress. That makes us 4-for-4 in the predictions department. Sam’s college tuition is riding on this.

9:25: Susanne Bier accepts for Best Foreign Film. We have not seen In A Better World but we did see After The Wedding, and it’s great. If Erin thought she had even a chance with Mads Mikkelsen, it’d be all over for Ben.

9:31: “If anyone beats Christian I’d be okay with Tear Drop,” Erin says of John Hawkes. But it’s Christian. Bale stands up and smooches his wife. “What a hooker,” Erin says.

9:32: CHRISTIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:33: Erin receives eight texts at once from all her Bale groupies. Our phone bill is going to be through the roof.

9:43: Trent Reznor wins for The Social Network in the Best Original Score category. Hans Zimmer narrowly misses Trent’s jugular with his poison blow dart.

9:46: Matthew McConaughey appears to have used Crisco in place of shampoo this morning.

9:52: Matthew Leathers tweets that he’s “genuinely upset” for Hans Zimmer. We don’t let terrorist sympathizers on our blogroll, Matthew. Goodbye, Mindless Comfort.

9:56: Seconds after saying that a clip from The Wolfman was “gross,” Cate Blanchett announces that the film has won for Best Makeup. She appears to be dry-heaving during the acceptance speech. We’re five-for-five, by the way.

10:03: Apparently Kevin Spacey is jealous he did not get nominated for Best Song in a Motion Picture this year. Tone it down, Kev.

10:09: Non-Oscar news: Kevin Love had a 37-23 against the Warriors today. What if Utah had snagged him from Minnesota instead of Al Jefferson? I’ve lost sleep over this. Really.

10:13: Amy Adams has difficulty opening the envelope for Best Documentary Short Subject. Reese Witherspoon had trouble too. Is the Academy worried someone will sneak a peek before the presenters open it onstage? Or is it pranking the presenters?

10:17: Woody does Auto-Tune. This is a low point.

10:20: Cameras cut to crowd shot of the Coen brothers. They appear to have been offended by the Auto-Tune as well.

10:22: Charles Ferguson wins for Best Documentary (Inside Job) and keeps it real, calling out the bankers. He’s going to get mugged by Lloyd Blankfein the next time he goes to the ATM.

10:39: Today at work I got the dreaded “Where is your non-fiction section?” I’m sorry, but I need a little button with this bird on it.

Judgmental Bookseller Ostrich - wheres nonfiction see the fiction sectio..

Put a bird on it!

10:44: Do you just rent Gwyneth Paltrow out for awards shows and “Glee” episodes? Is that how that works? This song is not nearly as good as the one where she was wearing ten inch heels.

10:53: R.I.P., Frank Drebin. I’m sorry you had to be memorialized by Celine Dion.

10:56: Scooter Thomas appears to have come down off his NyQuil high. He’s currently making God’s Eyes with used popsicle sticks and rainbow yarn again. I’m worried.

11:01: How many Bothans died to pull off all these costume changes for Anne Hathaway?

11:02: First (maybe only) surprise of the night: Tom Hooper gets Best Director for King’s Speech. Our streak is over. But Best Picture is a lock. Put a bird on it!

11:05: Did someone tell Annette Bening to dress for a “Battlestar Galactica” episode?

11:12: We can’t tell if Warren Beatty is a wax figure or not. By the way, he’s had sex with eight different women since the festivities began tonight. And he hasn’t even left his seat.

11:16: Natalie Portman wins Best Actress for Black Swan. What did she follow that up with? No Strings Attached, Your Highness and Thor. Natalie, Halle Berry is on line one for you.

11:24: Sandra Bullock delivers this nugget: “Actors act.” Mind-blowing, Sandra. (Or should we say, “Sandra. Sandra.”)

11:27: Colin Firth wins Best Actor. It’s raining men.

11:34: The fact that they’re playing Colin Firth’s speech over the montage of other Best Picture nominees? Yeah, that’s called foreshadowing.

11:41: King’s Speech takes Best Picture and thousands of schoolchildren in neon clothing bum rush the stage to sing “Over The Rainbow.” All the girls think James Franco is handsome but are leery of his fake arm. All the boys cannot believe they are in such close proximity to Anne Hathaway’s breasts.


15 thoughts on “Live-Blogging the 2011 Oscars!

  1. If she did have twins, it must be the case that immediately after pulling them free, a team of plastic surgeons descended to perform all sorts of tucks and fat-sucking.

    Also, I swear the clip they showed of Biutiful made it look as though Nic Cage starred.

  2. You read my tweets?!? This is such a pleasant surprise.

    And Hans WAS robbed. I thought Reznor’s score was off-putting, distracting, and too simple. BRRAAAAAAAAAAHM 4 LYFE.

  3. I sense a lot of discontent about the Reznor win, and as a composer myself, I’m touched to see such passion for Best Score.

    I would like to propose a rematch of sorts for the benefit of Voreblog readers. Trent Reznor and his collaborator on the one hand and Hans Zimmer on the other will each score a scene of the other being raped by an animal. Winner gets the Oscar, loser has the scene enacted upon him while the winner’s music is played. I trust Scooter Thomas would serve as judge in this matter?

  4. Reznor’s unfortunate win has sent me into a downward spiral and I’m worried I might hurt myself today.

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