On a Friday
ERIN: Well, Sam’s gone down and it’s New Year’s Eve. What should we do tonight?
BEN: We’ve got season five of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”
ERIN: Put it in!
BEN: But “Wheel of Fortune” just came on.
ERIN: What does it say about us that we’ve watched “Wheel of Fortune” four nights this week?
BEN: It says that we’re ecstatic that we get Channel 9 downstairs now.
ERIN: I’m afraid it says a lot more than that.
[BEN and ERIN watch “Wheel of Fortune.” Neither one gets the final puzzle, which is “Background Music.”]
BEN: But “Jeopardy” is next.
ERIN: Do you really like the taste of those cookies?
BEN: You mean these Trader Joe’s Reduced Guilt Ginger Cat Cookies For People? Why yes, yes I do.
ERIN: I don’t like the aftertaste.
BEN: What does it taste like?
ERIN: I’m not going to tell you because it’ll ruin it for you. Like when I said Miller Chill had vomit aftertaste.
BEN: You’re right. That ruined it for me.
ERIN: Alex is kind of being a jerk tonight.
BEN: He’s always a jerk. He thinks he’s so superior just because he has all the answers written on cards for him?
[One of the contestants blurts out a response without ringing in. ALEX TREBEK tells her she must ring in. She rings in and says the response. ALEX TREBEK says, “No.”]
ERIN: What a jerkface.
BEN: I hope he got coal in his stocking this year.
ERIN: Your toenails are disgusting. You really should trim them immediately.
BEN: I was waiting for you to make a comment. I’ll do it tomorrow.
ERIN: Why don’t you do it now?
BEN: Because if I do it now then I’ll have to say that I spent New Year’s Eve trimming my toenails.
ERIN: Your nasty caveman toenails.
BEN: They’re not that bad.
ERIN: When are we going to do our monthly budget for next year?
BEN: Should we do it now?
ERIN: Did you pay all the bills for December?
BEN: Yes. Except for the ones that came this week. Verizon and Duke.
ERIN: Well there’s still a lot of unopened mail in the bin.
BEN: If it’s a USAA or AmEx bill, you don’t need to worry. I pay those online.
ERIN: I always worry when I see unopened bills. Especially from October.
BEN: None of those are from October. Are they?
ERIN: If you pay them online, why do we still need paper statements?
BEN: I guess we don’t. I just like to have a back-up in case.
ERIN: In case you decide not to open it?
BEN: Have you been hanging out with Alex Trebek lately?
ERIN: This one has.
[SCOOTER THOMAS saunters into the room and sits down in front of the television, staring.]
BEN: What’s up with him?
ERIN: He’s got a man crush on Alex.
BEN: Or something.
ERIN: “Sunny” time?
BEN: Sure. I’ll pay bills while we do it.
[BEN and ERIN watch four episodes of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” including “The Waitress is Getting Married,” an episode in which Dennis and Mac encourage Charlie to sign up for Match.com. While setting up his profile, they ask him what his favorite food is. “Milksteak.” Hobbies? “Magnets.” His likes? “Ghouls.”]
ERIN: Who are your favorite characters this season, and who are the most despicable? Go. And we all agree Frank is the most despicable, so he doesn’t count.
BEN: My favorite will always be Charlie. But I think this is a good season for Mac. I also really like Dee this season and think she’s become the most despicable.
ERIN: Everyone’s really terrible to her.
BEN: She’s really terrible to everyone. Like when she told her high school boyfriend who had acne that he’d grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.
ERIN: I like that she’s as despicable as the guys. Equal opportunity and everything.
BEN: What time is it?
ERIN: I think it’s ten or so. I’m kinda tired.
[BEN turns on ABC’s “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve with Ryan Seacrest.” KE$HA is performing and admonishes the crowd to “Make 2011 our bitch!”]
BEN: We’re too old for this.
ERIN: Did you just say you’re too old for “Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve”?
BEN: I’m too old for Ke$ha.
ERIN: I’m excited for next year, but I’m really going to miss this one. It was such a good year. I loved being pregnant. I love our Sammy.
BEN: I love our Sammy too. But he’ll be one next year! We’ll get to throw a birthday party!
ERIN: That will be fun. But he’ll also be one year closer to being a teenager.
BEN: Hey. Hey. Attitude check. What would Ke$ha say, huh?
ERIN: That’s the question we should be asking ourselves more often.
BEN: Does Dick Clark even make an appearance on his own show anymore?
ERIN: I want another baby.
BEN: We have a baby.
ERIN: I want ten babies.
BEN: You want ten babies? Are you for real?
ERIN [pointing at SCOOTER THOMAS]: I want him to stop judging us.
BEN: I don’t think that’s going to happen.
ERIN: Did you pay all of the bills?
BEN: Most of them.
ERIN: What about the unopened ones?
BEN: The paid unopened ones or the unpaid unopened ones?
[ERIN gives BEN the LOOK.]
BEN: I’ll pay everything tomorrow.
ERIN: Tomorrow is 2011.
BEN: Tomorrow is 2011. In the immortal words of Ke$ha–
ERIN: No, please.
ERIN: I’m tired, honey.
BEN: Me too, sweet pea.
BEN: Let’s go to bed.