The Dreaded El Chupacabra!
Our friend Mike Allen was in Austin, Texas, last week with his wife Camille. Being in such an arid climate, Mike was naturally concerned about a run-in with the dreaded El Chupacabra. Camille had never heard of the diabolical beast and assumed Mike was making it up. Oh no, Mike told her. I’m not making it up.
Mike then sent Ben the following text last Monday at 11:30 a.m.
Im in austin. Heading out tomorrow with my guides in search of the elusive chupacabra. Ill keep you posted.
What follows is our correspondence via texts throughout the week. We’ll let you judge for yourself what actually took place in Austin. A warning to the faint-of-heart: If The Blair Witch Project were condensed into thirty texts, and then you replaced the witch with a chupacabra, that’s essentially what this experience is going to be like for you.
Judge for yourself whether or not to proceed.
[Mike’s texts are in italics; Ben’s are without.]
[10/4. 1:21 p.m.] We have procured most of our supplies. Juan and Miguel are experienced guides and I have high hopes for our success.
[10/4. 2:11 p.m.] I hope your guns have scopes. Miguel is blind as a bat. He shot me in the arse on our last expedition.
[10/4. 4:17 p.m.] AR15s with night vision scopes, hollow point tracer rounds. Its a chupacabra Ben, not a f***ing deer.
[10/4. 6:02 p.m.] Looks like were set to depart at dusk. Im anxious and I cant shake an ominous feeling.
[10/4. 6:18 p.m.] Bring an extra pair of undies for Juan. He’s going to need them.
[10/4. 6:25 p.m.] Ill weed out the weaklings soon enough. Also im on my ninth Mexican Coke today so my blood sugar is slightly out of whack.
[10/4. 6:48 p.m.] Godspeed, my friend. If you don’t make it back, can I have your G.I. Joe collection?
[10/4. 6:55 p.m.] Yes but you should know that Recon and Flint are on the expedition with me. And erik has had lady j for several months now. I was afraid to ask for her back.
[10/5. 7:42 a.m.] Tough going last night. Im exhausted. Several promising tracks. Im gonna finish my kfc double down and catch a little sleep.
[10/5. 8:33 a.m.] Glad you’re still alive. Don’t sleep in the same room as Miguel. He snores like a combine.
[10/5. 9:15 a.m.] Sadly Miguel did not make it my friend. Such is the price we pay in search of the Dreaded Chupacabra.
[10/5. 9:42 a.m.] Trouble sleeping. There is an ominous feeling around camp. A pervasive sense of doom. Also were running low on Mexican Coke.
[10/5. 9:53 a.m.] And i feel that Flint and Recon are staging some type of mutiny. At least i can trust my second in command the Hamburglar.
[10/5. 11:31 a.m.] Hamburglar is your second in command? Not She-Ra? You are screwed.
[10/5. 12:02 p.m.] He served his time Ben. Cant we move on? Also SheRa has a restraining order against Miguel.
[10/5. 1:58 p.m.] Miguel sounds like a train wreck. You should never have brought him. He’s the Charlie Brown of chupacabra expeditions.
[10/5. 2:05 p.m.] Actually you may be right abt the Hamburglar. The remainder of our Mexican Coke, three burrows and several Kings Island vouchers are missing. My copy of Its Hard Out Here for a Shrimp remains. Thank god for that.
[10/5. 5:33 p.m.] Though were now 7 cases of Mexican Coke lighter, Im confident the Dreaded Chupacabra will reveal itself tonight.
[10/5. 9:31 p.m.] It might be time to lay off the Mexican Coke my friend. I think the hallucinations start after the third liter. You need to stay frosty.
[10/6. 10:43 p.m.] Ill tell you when Ive had enough youre not the boss of me. Alright sorry man i lost my head there. Its just that i know were so damn close…
[10/6. 10:46 p.m.] That’s why you need to stay sharp. El Chupa does not pardon the weak.
[10/6. 10:51 p.m.] I know i know. This beast has taken a toll on me. Ill confide that i keep one spare bulet just in case it comes to it. God help me i want that damn dog.
[10/6. 11:01 p.m.] If I were there I’d make us pinky swear to shoot the other if it came down to it. Death before dishonor. Or a chupacabra mauling.
[10/6. 11:08 p.m.] I wish you were Ben. The thermal imaging just picked up movement! Gotta go.
[10/6. 11:10 p.m.] Remember, short controlled bursts! And don’t cross the streams!
[10/6. 11:23 p.m.] Damn it. Were dropping like flies. Im on his trail!
[10/7. 3:13 p.m.] Will you be dining on chupacabra flank tonight? More importantly, is She-Ra okay? She hasn’t returned any of my calls.
[10/7. 9:01 p.m.] Are you still alive?
[10/8. 10:22 a.m.] I’m sending top notch reinforcements: An army of metrosexual men wearing man purses. El Chupes will not see the sun rise ever again…
[10/8. 11:02 a.m.] At dawn I emerged from the jungle with only my rifle, two bottles of Mexican Coke and a small sliver of my sanity. Sadly i am alone the sole survivor wearing only my boots and tighty whiteys. I curse El Chupacabra a thousand times.