Ranking who’s currently wearing the pants in the Vore household. Previous rankings here.
Entering the list dead last.
7. OUR PLANTS. Previous ranking: N/A
In his song “Circle of Life,” Elton John told us, “Some of us fall by the wayside / And some of us soar to the stars / And some of us sail through our troubles / And some have to live with the scars.” It’s clear which of those categories describe our plants, which have suffered terrible neglect thanks to Sam’s arrival. As Matt Masterson put it, “The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.” Future prospects: Bleak. I mean, just look at them.
6. COLORFORM NIC CAGE (down). Previous ranking: #5
Suffered the indignity of being removed from the header image during the recent redesign. And The Sorcerer’s Apprentice was a box office catastrophe. Future prospects: Mixed. Good: A friend loaned us Kick-Ass. Bad: Colorform figures are not suitable for infants.
5. SCOOTER THOMAS (down). Previous ranking: #1
The most precipitous drop in the ratings goes to Scooter Thomas, who finds himself banished to #5 with the arrival of attention-hogging Sam. Multiple baby gates restrict his access around the house, and, were his litterbox a plant, it would look like the image above. Also not working in his favor: His kneading/humping episode with the shawl given to us by our Aunt Andi. A desperate gesture bespeaking his tormented soul. On the other hand: At least someone in this house is getting some action. Future prospects: Grim, unless he figures out a way to get Sam out of the picture. Or grows opposable thumbs so he can work the latch on the gates.
4. ERIN (down). Previous ranking: #2
Despite her new mother status, Erin has squandered the affections of Scooter Thomas. And pulled something in her lower back putting Sam in his car seat. And become a plant murderer. Working for her: A week of nightly foot rubs from husband Ben as an anniversary gift. Working against her: The looming menace of mastitis. Prospects: Good to strong. Breastfeeding = super-fast metabolism = more Graeter’s ice cream, please!
3. BEN (up). Previous ranking: #4
The self-proclaimed “swaddle expert” of the house, Ben has benefitted from not having boobs and thus avoided the pressure of being the go-to guy at four in the morning. He has parlayed this into another strength: being the go-to diaper-changer, though he has been peed on six times. (Note: “Peepee-Teepees” are worthless. But you cannot return them after they’ve been peed on. It’s a sham.) Has also played good cop to Erin’s bad cop with Scooter Thomas, stealing his affection by having a higher tolerance for shawl-humping. Cause for concern: Several chapters behind Erin in Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, causing her to question his commitment to healthy sleep and happy children. Future prospects: Promising, if he can collaborate with a disgruntled S.T. and mount a run at the top two spots. Less promising if there’ll be more of this:
2. GRANDPARENTS. Previous ranking: N/A
Coming on strong at #2, grandparents have capitalized on newfound status with cards, congratulations, gifts and nonstop goodwill. Known to clap son-in-law on back and say, “You did real good,” Jon G. has planned fishing trips with Sam through the summer of 2017. Did you know? Jon G. recently called the doctor and said (actual quote), “This is Jon Beers. My youngest daughter just had her first child, and my oldest daughter has a bad case of the runs.” Future prospects: Sky high. And the Vores visit Ohio again this weekend! This also means Ben and Erin are likely to receive another hunk of Jarlsberg cheese.
1. SAM. Previous ranking: N/A
An impressive debut for someone with diaper rash who can’t feed himself. Despite these shortcomings, Sam has managed to bend everyone to his will, inserting himself at the center of the Voreblog universe. He single-handedly destroyed numerous species of plant and unseated Scooter Thomas from the top spot in the rankings with a ruthless combination of cuteness and utter dependence. In addition to wielding inordinate control over everyone’s sleep schedules, Sam also trailblazed his way onto the front of Jon and Susie’s refrigerator, the first and only time anyone has claimed that spot. (Everyone else is relegated to the side.) Future prospects: Strong. He looks like he’s here to stay.