Brothers don’t shake hands; brothers gotta hug!
Erin came home from the Cincinnati opening of Legally Blonde last night around 11 o’clock. Ben was half-asleep.
“How was your day?” she asked.
“Did you have a good class this evening?”
“You’re not sleepy, are you? Because I’m kind of wired.”
“Oh! How was ‘Lost’? Tell me all about it!”
This was the point at which Ben — previously feeling just a little guilty he couldn’t maintain a conversation with his wife after a long day for both of them — felt no guilt whatsoever. While Erin may have cared about how his day and his class went, she could care less about “Lost,” no matter that her feigned enthusiasm suggested otherwise. This marked the fifth straight episode Erin has not given “Lost” the time of day. Instead of watching with her husband, she has elected to variously do these other activities:
- Attend the musical Legally Blonde, which she reports was hilarious.
- Take a bath.
- Check Facebook.
- Finish schoolwork.
- State out loud remarks such as, “Why hasn’t Hurley lost any weight in six years?”, “I wonder what’s happening on ‘The Biggest Loser’ right now,” and “When does this show end again?”
- Poke Scooter Thomas.
Although he could see through his wife’s schemes, Ben made the effort to recap the episode for her.
“The episode started a really long time ago, they didn’t say when, and there was a shipwreck and this woman swam ashore. Oh, and she was pregnant. She stumbled into the jungle and met Allison Janney, who was really creepy –”
“–and did you know who went to Kenyon and so did Paul Newman and Bill Watterson!–”
“–I actually wasn’t going to mention that this time. Can I continue?”
“So Allison Janney delivers the woman’s baby and it’s Jacob. But then the woman has another baby — I’m actually glad you didn’t see this episode, she was in a world of pain — and it’s the Man in Black (or, in an aside I would have said had Tad Smith been in the room, a “Bad Twin“), except she doesn’t have a name for it. And as soon as Allison Janney sees it she knows something’s wrong, so she grabs a rock and smashes the woman’s head.”
“Yeah. So the two of them grow up and play games that the Man in Black invents the rules for and then one day Allison Janney–”
“Did her character have a name? Or do you need to keep calling her Allison Janney?”
“Her character did not have a name.”
“Allison Janney took them to this spring or underwater waterfall kind of thing and it was glowing with light. That part was a little cheesy. She said one of them would have to replace her as the island’s protector, but she didn’t say which one. It was pretty clear that she liked the Man in Black more than Jacob though, or maybe she just identified with him more. She was the one who left the game for him to find and she knew Jacob couldn’t lie–”
“Boredom. I’m getting a little bored.”
“Anyway, Jacob and his brother are running around the island one day when they discover there are other people there. Then Man in Black sees his dead mom, although for some reason Jacob can’t see her. She tells Jacob’s brother that he can leave the island and that Allison Janney isn’t his real mom — she is. So that part was interesting because it made the Man in Black a sympathetic character and not just a killing machine. Although by the end you realize that the Man in Black that we’ve always known isn’t really Jacob’s brother, but I’m getting ahead of myself.”
“Heaven forbid you spoil it for me.”
“So Jacob’s brother decides he’s going to run away and use the people to help him find a way off the island, and they start digging wells trying to get to the source of the Island’s power, because the Man in Black can’t find the magic Light Cave that Allison Jan — his mom — showed him when he was a kid. We also found out that Man in Black had something to do with the donkey wheel.”
“Oh, right. The Mystical And All Important Donkey Wheel.”
“Man in Black’s mom gets fed up one day and knocks him on the head, and at first I thought maybe she killed him, but she just knocked him out long enough to show Jacob the Light Cave so he could be the island’s protector and relieve her of her duties. She was like Richard Alpert because she couldn’t age or die, but I think she was getting pretty tired of holding down her post. I don’t know how much we should believe anything she said either, because she was a manipulative, mom-killing, loom-weaving loon.
“Man in Black wakes up again and realizes all of his people and his hard work have been obliterated by Allison Janney — I’m hazy on this part, but I think she turned into the Smoke Monster — and he goes and stabs her in the back. She’s actually pretty happy about that because she thanks him. Jacob finds out, drags his brother to the Light Cave, and throws him down there. At first I wanted to believe he was trying to help him out and grant him his wish to get off the island, but I talked to Tad afterwards and he pretty much convinced me that Jacob knew what he was doing and that he was killing his brother. Allison Janney did say something about how going down there severed your eternal soul from your physical body, which sounds kind of painful. But the episode was pretty good at making Jacob sympathetic too.
“So his brother goes down the stream into the Light Cave and then shoots back out as the Smoke Monster. Jacob is walking around later and he sees his brother washed up along the stream. He’s dead. So he buries him next to his mom by the Caves — meaning they’re the Adam and Eve skeletons from season one, remember? As if the viewers were too dumb to put two and two together, they hit us over the head with that by cutting in old footage, which was a little lame.
“Ultimately I’m left with more questions. Allison Janney’s character said something to the effect of, ‘Every question I answer will lead to another question,’ which was basically the writers flippin’ the bird to any ‘Lost’ completist who wants all the answers before it wraps up. We’re one hour closer to the end and they did nothing to resolve the Sideways timeline last night. We still don’t know WHY the Man in Black can’t leave the island. We do understand Jacob’s emphasis on free will a little better, since he never really had a choice to protect the island. I mean, it wasn’t like he was going to tell Allison Janney ‘no’ when she brought him to the spring. I don’t know whether he means for Jack to replace him as the island’s keeper or whether he’s setting up something that would require no one to be the island’s keeper. We did figure out that the little Peter Pan boy who the Man in Black saw earlier this season was Jacob as a kid. And I think that pretty much covers it.
“Are you going to watch the finale, even though you’ve skipped out on most of the season? It’s two-and-a-half hours.
[light, feminine snoring]
“Great. Now I’m not tired anymore.”
Recaps from Zap2It and Doc Jensen, plus a New Yorker profile of “Lost’s” music guru, Michael Giacchino (J.J. Abrams tells Ross that “‘Lost’ would not be on the air today if it were not for Michael”), and an Entertainment Weekly gallery of “Lost’s” dead.