Thanks for being with us! Erin will kick us off this evening until Ben gets home from work.
What do we consider a successful Oscar evening? 1. District 9 bringing home some kind of major hardware. 2. A shot of Jack Donaghy goodness. (It’s been three weeks since the last “30 Rock”! Do you know how much Bob Costas we’ve seen in the meantime? Our Jack Donaghy/Bob Costas ratio is all out of whack.) 3. An endless supply of Trader Joe’s Gummy Tummies Penguins. And 4. A Nic Cage and/or Christian Bale sighting.
We have to watch upstairs because the digital converter box downstairs doesn’t pick up ABC. There’s no joke here.
8:22 p.m. Tina Fey looks super sexy for a funny lady in her black, sequin, one-shoulder dress. I hate the people interviewing celebrities before the Oscars. One interviewer is trying to ask Miley Cyrys a serious question which leads to an even better question: Why is Miley Cyrus at the Oscars?
8:24. Sherri Shephard just told Jeff Bridges that he looks “lummy, I mean yummy.”
8:25. Thank gaaawwd Kate Winslet isn’t nominated this year. Her sob-fest speeches last year made us want to drink our own urine.
8:26. Taylor “Human Pectoral” Lautner is being interviewed by Sherri Shephard. In response to her question about what he did to prepare for the Oscars, he replied, “I had to get a suit.” Way to go, Taylor!
Mariska Hargitay just walked by. Ben threw a banana at the TV. (This is a lie. He was still at work. But he would’ve thrown a banana had he been in the room.)
8:27. Meryl Streep looks “matronly.”
8:29. The “Filet o’fish” commercial just scared the poo out of Scooter Thomas. It features a vibrating phone which always scares the bejeezus out of him. It’s like the DEFCON 1 signal for cats or something.
8:30. The Oscars begin. Carey Mulligan looks like an elf. And Jeremy Renner looks like a hobbit. A hobbit who can disarm bombs. If they had a kid, it would be the most talented bomb-defusing hobbit-elf hybrid EVER.
Twist! Neil Patrick Harris just appeared. I [Erin] was not allowed to watch “Doogie Howser” once he started having sex with Wanda.
8:35. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin appear.
Christopher Plummer looks oooold.
Vera Formiga was just pointed out. We could never name our baby Vera. She’d (if she/he is a she) would sound like a hooker. Vera Vore. No good.
8:40. First funny joke of the evening. Steve Martin says, “Gabourey and I have something in common. In our first movie, we were both born a poor black child.”
8:50. My sister Bevin just texted, “Oh my god, Zac Efron is so hot, and what’s wrong with George Clooney?”
8:59. Ben gets home and kicks “Little Prawn” out of his seat. There are 3 Gummy Tummies left. He asks who’s wearing the worst dress of the evening. “Sarah Jessica Parker. Hands down. If you google her and a picture comes up, it will break the monitor.”
9:02. Ben reads the post thus far. “You weren’t allowed to watch ‘Doogie Howser’ after he started having sex? I had to watch that episode with my parents.”
9:06. T-Bone Burnett co-accepts the Oscar for Best Song. Erin: “I always expect T-Bone Burnett to be a large, black man.”
9:12. Is Robert Downey Jr. wearing transitions lenses? Erin on Tina Fey’s dress: “I want to give birth in that dress.” Seriously.
9:15. The Hurt Locker snags its first award of the night for Best Original Screenplay. Erin: “He [Mark Boal] looks like Jason Reitman and Matthew Leathers’s love child.”
9:16. How did Jane Seymour get a seat next to Jason Bateman? We hope he makes fun of her necklace.
9:17. Someone claiming to be Molly Ringwald appears onstage for a John Hughes tribute. We are speechless for the next six minutes.
9:23. Why does Samuel Jackson always wear a beret? You know what rhymes with beret? Bidet. If you didn’t watch this bidet sketch on SNL last night, we recommend you do so now.
9:29. We check in with Matthew Leathers. He is way funnier than we are.
9:38. Ben Stiller walks out dressed up like a Na’vi and tries to talk like one. James Cameron looks pissed. The last time Ben saw that look was in 10th grade French class when Mrs. Windsor appeared as though she wanted to murder him in cold blood for mangling her native language. She wasn’t an inch over 4’8″. She was also the inspiration for the gypsy woman in Drag Me To Hell.
9:51. Erin thinks Queen Latifah looks “thinner than usual.” Little Prawn goes into “incubating” mode, wherein he curls up on Erin’s stomach and purrs like a train. Our unborn child probably suspects the apocalypse is underway.
9:59. Mo’Nique brings home Best Supporting Actress. Erin needs to pee. Little Prawn does not budge.
10:02. Erin: “I wish I had a diaper.”
10:06. Erin thinks Sigourney Weaver “dresses appropriately for her age.” Yes, she’s a raging ageist. We are going to lose all of our Golden Readers.
10:08. If any more Avatar winners work “I see you” into their acceptance speeches, we’re going to … um … we’re … we’re going to get really mad about it!
10:09. Ben: “Why is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing a shower curtain?”
10:10. Ben: “Why does it look like lasers could shoot out of her eyes at any minute and incinerate Helen Mirren?”
10:15. And there’s a sturdiness to it? The bidet? It can accommodate a fairly heavy carriage?
10:21. What’s a horror movie montage without Leprechaun? What a crock.
10:22. Kathy Bates slamming James Caan’s feet with a sledgehammer is only the second scariest scene she’s ever filmed. The hot tub scene in About Schmidt will always be #1.
10:26. That creepy albino guy from The Da Vinci Code just won the Sound Editing Oscar. Good for him.
10:27. He barely left the stage and he just won again! This one is for Sound Mixing. Now he’s just being a selfish jerk. Go flagellate yourself, buddy.
10:34. True story from Ben’s workplace today: A woman walked up to the registers with a book and a magazine. She sniffled and wiped her nose with a Kleenex while Ben scanned her items. He felt something wet on the magazine. As he waited for her credit card to go through, he found a snot rocket on his index finger.
10:43. Ben watches a replay from Orlando’s win over L.A. earlier in the day. Few things make him happier than Kobe missing a game-winner at the buzzer. The Lakers have a three game losing streak going.
10:46. Sarah Jessica Parker and J-Lo apparently decided to coordinate shower curtains.
10:48. Erin is out cold. Ben is at a loss to explain the interpretative dance going on as the nominees for Best Score play. This could go downhill fast.
10:51. We’re glad to see breakdancers are getting work in today’s fragile economy.
10:53. Michael Giacchino wins for Best Original Score. “Lost” fans, you should recognize this name.
10:56. Jason Bateman presents Up in the Air. He looks mightily relieved to be free of Jane Seymour.
11:02. And the water pressure? In the bidet? Should it prove insufficient is there an adjustment that can be made to possibly increase the pressure substantially?
11:06. Baldwin and Martin do a Snuggie joke (with an assist from Tyler Perry). Seriously guys, that was so last year.
11:08. Sam Raimi just got a shout-out! And Sandra Bullock just vomited dung beetles on Alison Lohman. I’m on a horse.
11:13. Keanu Reeves presents The Hurt Locker. Maybe because he was in Kathryn Bigelow’s Point Break? Does this mean Robert Patrick as T-1000 will present Avatar?
11:15. One of the foreign language nominees is The Milk of Sorrow. Foreigners are just better at movie titles than we are. The Sad Two Percent, based on the novel ‘The Milk of Sorrow’ by Alejandro simply doesn’t work.
11:27. Best Male Actor nominees. Shouldn’t George Clooney get negative points for Men Who Stare At Goats? Someone needs to suffer for that besides moviegoers.
11:29. Andy Dufresne salutes his friend Red. Thirtysomething men everywhere start crying their eyes out, grateful their wives and girlfriends are asleep.
11:31. The Dude wins Best Actor. Erin stirs and asks what’s going on. She hears him give props to his wife of 33 years, Sue. “That’s awesome,” she says. Unless she was snoring.
11:37. Five people have found our blog so far tonight by googling the phrase, “What’s wrong with George Clooney at the Oscars?” Three have found it by substituting his name with Molly Ringwald’s.
11:39. And should the bidet be damaged beyond repair how soon would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?
11:42. Best Actress nominees. Matthew Leathers writes, “If Sandra Bullock wins, I’ll be afraid for my life. Everyone here is armed to the teeth and ready to riot.” Is he watching this at Rikers Island?
11:48. Sandra Bullock wins. Matthew isn’t answering his phone! I’m dialing 911.
11:53. Best Director could be either a first-time woman, a first-time African-American, or a world-class jerk. Ladies and gentleman, your 2008 Democratic Primary!
11:55. Kathryn Bigelow shows up the boys. Good for her.
11:58. Whoa. The Hurt Locker gets Best Picture. Tom Hanks seemed to jump the gun there. No dramatic build-up or anything. Was ABC going to start executing innocent hostages backstage for every minute it ran long?
12:01. We didn’t think it was Best Picture of the year exactly, but The Hurt Locker was far superior to Avatar, and we were spared the sight of James Cameron gloating. We’ll take our Oscar Night victories where we can get them.
POSTSCRIPT: Erik Nelson at Salon makes the surprisingly persuasive case that Avatar “wuz robbed.” He also summarizes quite nicely what our reservations about The Hurt Locker were.
Also at Salon, a post mortem on the Oscar’s “Kanye moment” which we did not acknowledge in our live-blogging because we were pretty confused about what exactly was transpiring.
And from Anthony Lane’s recap, re: Taylor Lautner: He “looks more like a ‘Twilight’ action figure than a verifiable human.” He also takes on Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress:
In the end, the only object on show that forced me to speculate on life beyond our solar system was the dress worn by Sarah Jessica Parker, a lemon sheath topped with what appeared to be ironwork. Label-hunters tagged it as Chanel, cynics dismissed it as a nasty collision between the world’s cleanest shower curtain and the radiator grille of a Mack truck, but to me it was clearly the lightweight battle-dress worn by Ma’ami the She-Monarch from the third planet on the left past Pandora, already colonized by James Cameron as he prepares for his next adventure.