food, Uncategorized

Heroic Forgetting

Eating industrial meat takes an almost heroic act of not knowing, or, now, forgetting. – Michael Pollan, The Omnivore’s Dilemma

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SCENE: McDonald’s Drive-Thru

[A man pulls up to the pick-up window. It is very late.]

DRIVE-THRU ATTENDANT: Here’s your triple quarter pounder.

MAN: Huh? I didn’t order that. I ordered a southwest salad without chicken and apple dippers.

DRIVE-THRU ATTENDANT: No, you ordered a triple quarter pounder. It’s 12:30 in the morning and you’re the only customer I’ve had in the past ten minutes.

MAN: You say potayto, I say potahto. Whatever. I’ll just eat the beef.

[MAN grabs the bag and scarfs the burger down with barely disguised bloodlust.]

——————–

SCENE: Jeff Ruby’s Steakhouse, Cincinnati, OH

[A couple is seated at a table. WOMAN wears a Donna Karan Jersey Dress, black, with a bateau neckline, cap sleeves and banded tie detail at a gathered natural waist. MAN wears a Savile Row suit. His shoes are New & Lingwood British Stamford Loafers.]

[When they talk, the couple leans in to exchange intimate whispers.]

[WAITER approaches with their meals.]

WAITER: For the madam, we have the chili rubbed dry aged bone-in rib, 24 oz, with cipollini onions & sisho peppers. And for the gentleman, we have the rack of lamb, in-house dry aged, natural jus. Bon Appetit!

[The couple stares at their plates, speechless.]

WAITER: Is there something wrong?

WOMAN: I thought I ordered the baked polenta triangoli with wild mushroom bolognaise and braised escarole.

MAN: And I specifically ordered the porcini crusted tofu in the red wine sauce with the root vegetable gratin.

WAITER: Regrettably we do not serve either of those dishes. Are you aware that you are at a steakhouse?

WOMAN: A steakhouse?

MAN: You jest!

WAITER: No, I’m quite certain this is Jeff Ruby’s Steakhouse. I’ve worked here for four years.

WOMAN: Arthur, for heaven’s sake, you must have taken a wrong turn!

MAN [does a facepalm]: What a dithering idiot I can be.

WOMAN [to the waiter]: He can be so absent-minded sometimes.

MAN: Well, Patricia, since we have this bounteous feast in front of us…

WOMAN: It would be a shame for it to go to waste…

[MAN and WOMAN exchange glances, then tuck away with gusto.]

———————

SCENE: Prehistoric times

[CAVEMAN is hiding in the bush with SON. Both hold spears.]

[WOOLY MAMMOTH saunters by.]

CAVEMAN: Aha! Dinner!

[CAVEMAN spears WOOLY MAMMOTH with expert skill. MAMMOTH falls with a single shot. CAVEMAN and SON run over to fallen prey.]

SON: Wait, dad — this is wooly mammoth! You say you no eat meat! You say it compromise your good conscience!

CAVEMAN: This wooly mammoth? You is sure?

SON: Pretty sure.

[CAVEMAN grunts. SON scratches his armpit.]

CAVEMAN: Oh well. Tofu taste like pterodactyl crap anyway.

SON: Yeah!

[SCENE.]

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One thought on “Heroic Forgetting

  1. Isn’t the below the proper way to do dialog?

    MAN: You jest!

    WAITER: No, I’m quite certain this is Jeff Ruby’s Steakhouse. I’ve worked here for four years.

    WOMAN: Arthur, for heaven’s sake, you must have taken a wrong turn!

    ARTHUR [does a facepalm]: What a dithering idiot I can be.

    WOMAN [to the waiter]: He can be so absent-minded sometimes.

    ARTHUR: Well, Patricia, since we have this bounteous feast in front of us…

    PATRICIA: It would be a shame for it to go to waste…

    [ARTHUR and PATRICIA exchange glances, then tuck away with gusto.]

    and it’s Quinoa.

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