Ranking who’s currently wearing the pants in the Vore household.
Entering the list at #3.
6. THE DRYER LEFT BEHIND BY THE FORMER TENANTS Last week: N/A
Bit the dust last week. A piece of crap. Working in its favor: Being removed from the premises today between 3 and 5 o’clock. Future prospects: None. Will no longer appear in Power Rankings ever again.
5. COLORFORM NIC CAGE (down) Last week: 2
In sharp decline after being chewed on by Scooter Thomas. Future prospects: Bleak. This is not the sort of thing most Colorform figures recover from.
4. BEN (even) Last week: 4
Only thing saving Ben from last place is recent uptick in household productivity, particularly his handling of the dryer situation (purchasing a new one at Recker & Boerger at great scratch-and-dent price). This barely offsets his appalling lack of dishwashing, late nights at work this week, or decision to finish an episode of “Dexter” last night in lieu of tucking his wife in. And yet again he neglected to include the basement trash (a k a, Scooter Thomas’s litter bags) in the weekly curbside pickup. Has also dragged his feet on finalizing a Christmas card list. Not a strong showing. Working in his favor: Delivered impromptu foot massage last week. And filled up Erin’s tank when he borrowed her car. Working against him: Probably did it just to offset his otherwise dismal performance. Also, suffered fantasy football meltdown after Kurt Warner’s catastrophic performance on Monday night, resulting in loss of final playoff spot to Matthew Leathers. Chewed on by Scooter Thomas? Mercifully, no.
3. NEW DRYER Last week: N/A
Entering list at #3 with promise of its 6 cubic feet extra-large capacity and DuraDrum™ interior. Four heat selections! Six dry cycles! Fluffs and dewrinkles! Also offers added convenience of end-of-cycle alert sounds with adjustable volume. Future prospects: Strong. Downside: Dented. And an uninvited member to the December budget.
2. ERIN (up) Last week: 3
Has taken charge of holiday social planning, demonstrating leadership and superior organizational skills. Single-handedly managing kitchen duties, both cooking and cleaning, of late. Strung exterior Christmas lights. Owned Ben in “Dexter”-watching competition over weekend. (Ben not aware competition was taking place.) And now two days away from Christmas break! Working against her: o-for-2 in Settlers of Catan over past week. Plus, next disc of “Dexter” still on hold at library, allowing Ben to catch up. Also forgot to fill up Scooter Thomas’s food dish last Friday. Chewed on by Scooter Thomas? No, but he knows where she sleeps.
1. SCOOTER THOMAS (even) Last week: 1
Once again, has dictated the emotional stability and overall functionality of the Vore household. As S.T. goes, so goes the Vores. When he’s in a good mood, everything runs smoothly. Imposed his will on Colorform Nic Cage and avenged embarrassing tabloid photo op. Outperformed other household members in maximizing heat absorption from vents, as seen below.
Finally, almost finished with year-long project of reading Proust! Cause for concern? Keeps chewing on the toilet paper. We thought he kicked this habit long ago. Future prospects: Strong. But faces stiff challenge from newcomer Dryer.