Scooter Thomas

Guest Blogger Scooter Thomas (now updated with “17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat”)

Our cat and occasional guest blogger Scooter Thomas requested that he be allowed to write today’s post. We have granted his request.

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Ahem.

Far be it from me to question the sanity of my dear owners, who are, all things considered, decent people if not occasionally vulgar (the female), boorish (the male), or condescending (both). Regardless, they fill up my food dish once a day, so I’ll count my blessings.

They have recently pulled a stunt, however, which baffles the feline mind. As if in accordance with some lunar cycle, they have once again planted a fake tree in my favorite sitting spot upstairs.

Behold.

I seem to recall these shenanigans taking place more than once before. This begs a number of questions:

  1. Why must my owners vacillate between tree and non-tree? Back in my day, you made a decision and stuck with it, popular sentiment and opinion polls be damned. None of this wishy-washy, namby-pamby, tree-or-no-tree? nonsense. For all their supposed virtues, my owners are clearly petty, spineless creatures devoid of conviction.
  2. Why must they plant the tree in my favorite sitting spot? (I’ll answer my own question: They are nimrods.)
  3. What arcane code of decorum requires that little trinkets and tchotchkes be hung on this tree amongst a string of multi-color lights? I’d swat them all down if they didn’t hang so tantalizingly out of reach.
  4. Why are so many of the trinkets and tchotchkes crude renderings of myself in various states of girth? I count at least six.
  5. I’ve saved what is perhaps the most important and pertinent question for last: Why put a fake tree inside a house in the first place???

I’ve long resigned myself to the exquisite pleasures of cohabitating with stupider life forms. But these kinds of stunts leave me speechless. Though I risk repercussion for openly flouting the powers that be, there comes a time when one must speak truth to power. That time is now. And I will remain silent no longer.

Thank you.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: While we refrain from editing/censoring his posts (no matter how slanderous), we are posting these pictures of Scooter Thomas — who recently collapsed in front of his water dish and then leaned forward to lap the water because he apparently could not muster the strength to stand — as further proof that he is nothing but a corpulent freeloader.

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BONUS! Scooter Thomas’s friend Oscar The Cat (whom you can friend on Facebook) has sent this informative link entitled “17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat.” Fact: Scooter Thomas could not outrun Usain Bolt.

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8 thoughts on “Guest Blogger Scooter Thomas (now updated with “17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat”)

    1. I’m flattered to say the least.

      I could not, however, imagine a world without your blog posts. In fact, I have long lobbied Voreblog for an “Ask Scooter Thomas” recurring blog topic. A simple Q&A, so that we may benefit from your feline insight into current events, mysteries of the ages, etc, etc.

      Alas, (and to borrow from your keen observations) both the female (drunk on cheap wine) and the male (disgustingly hairy) have yet to acquiesce to my demands. It is my contention that several well placed vomit mines may yet persuade them.

      Or you could just invite Erik over for bratwurst and cognac and an in-depth discussion of “It’s Hard Out Here For A Shrimp”.

  1. Truly appalling.

    My good friend Scooter Thomas is so parched for water due to the inhuma – I mean, inanimalane conditions at his house that he has to drag himself to his water bowl. And do his humans help him? No. They seem to have had no idea of his dehydration. They were probably doing human things. Building nuclear weapons or developing reality television shows. And when they do finally see him, clinging on to life, just barely able to muster the strength to reach his tongue to the bowl to moisten his lips!, what do they do? Do they help him? No. They rush to get their camera and mock him on the internet.

    This makes me want to hairball.

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