Our cat and occasional guest blogger Scooter Thomas requested that he be allowed to write today’s post. We have granted his request.
Far be it from me to question the sanity of my dear owners, who are, all things considered, decent people if not occasionally vulgar (the female), boorish (the male), or condescending (both). Regardless, they fill up my food dish once a day, so I’ll count my blessings.
They have recently pulled a stunt, however, which baffles the feline mind. As if in accordance with some lunar cycle, they have once again planted a fake tree in my favorite sitting spot upstairs.
I seem to recall these shenanigans taking place more than once before. This begs a number of questions:
- Why must my owners vacillate between tree and non-tree? Back in my day, you made a decision and stuck with it, popular sentiment and opinion polls be damned. None of this wishy-washy, namby-pamby, tree-or-no-tree? nonsense. For all their supposed virtues, my owners are clearly petty, spineless creatures devoid of conviction.
- Why must they plant the tree in my favorite sitting spot? (I’ll answer my own question: They are nimrods.)
- What arcane code of decorum requires that little trinkets and tchotchkes be hung on this tree amongst a string of multi-color lights? I’d swat them all down if they didn’t hang so tantalizingly out of reach.
- Why are so many of the trinkets and tchotchkes crude renderings of myself in various states of girth? I count at least six.
- I’ve saved what is perhaps the most important and pertinent question for last: Why put a fake tree inside a house in the first place???
I’ve long resigned myself to the exquisite pleasures of cohabitating with stupider life forms. But these kinds of stunts leave me speechless. Though I risk repercussion for openly flouting the powers that be, there comes a time when one must speak truth to power. That time is now. And I will remain silent no longer.
EDITOR’S NOTE: While we refrain from editing/censoring his posts (no matter how slanderous), we are posting these pictures of Scooter Thomas — who recently collapsed in front of his water dish and then leaned forward to lap the water because he apparently could not muster the strength to stand — as further proof that he is nothing but a corpulent freeloader.
BONUS! Scooter Thomas’s friend Oscar The Cat (whom you can friend on Facebook) has sent this informative link entitled “17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat.” Fact: Scooter Thomas could not outrun Usain Bolt.