When not writing footnotes, Mike Allen (left) and Erik Brueggemann (right) are bodybuilders.
by MIKE ALLEN and ERIK BRUEGGEMANN
This was an email exchange over a day or so by Mr. Allen and myself (Erik) – I have not fixed any typos cause they’re emails and who the hell cares – it also must be mentioned that one of us sent most of his from his phone and he doesn’t really like capitalizing (it’s too much work). We thank Ben for giving us this opportunity – I thank Ben for allowing me to listen to voicemail messages from Mike complaining that I’m dropping the ball and not getting this done. Mike thanks Paul Rudd.
M -> E
What are you going to write about?
Are you seriously going to recommend that stupid Coolio cookbook?¹
I guess it couldn’t get much worse than the Kanye West photo or multiple plugs for Joseph-Beth that they’ve been hacking out.
E -> M
them crooked vultures, deadwood (just to see how many times I can say cocksucker² in a paragraph), barb johnson, and jerking off.³
M -> E
He just recommended Barb Johnson. Or was that another plug for where he works?
I was recommending Role Models to him back when it was new. He’s ignored me for nearly a year now.
How could you not find this funny?
E -> M
And I will continue to ignore everything you say – dude, the barb johnson event was last week. This week’s event is with, hold on – do you smell something – it smells like brimstone…
But – seriously, barb johnson writes better than 99% of the other writers out there. Except maybe pete dexter – spooner is hilarious. sample sentence:
“The fish sticks were about as appetizing as a plate full of limp dicks.” (I’m paraphrasing).
While we’re on topic: what about deadwood mike, isn’t that your thing – did you really want to lead off with role models? Really? It’s your bed champ – so which is your preferred method for deadwood absorption – is it the show or the book. Oh, wait? Do you still read books?
I would quote from deadwood (the book) about what a waste a certain bodily fluid is at it puddles on the floor but let’s just let you use your imagination: go get a thimble full of pond water, look at it under a microscope, and see those things – those are amoebas and they will die.
M -> E
Seriously? Barb Johnson is your pretentious-writer-posing-as-a-REAL-artist that you’re pushing now? Because I remember your infatuations with Ray Pollock (2008), Cormac McCarthy (2007), Chuck Palahniuk (2006), etc. etc. etc.¹*
Don’t judge me for picking Role Models. Paul Rudd is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. There I said it. He’s a poor man’s Jason Bateman for Christ’s sake.
I can definitely get down with some Deadwood — you can NOT beat Ian McShane. As evidenced by:
I also tried for about a year to get Ben to watch that. I think he rented the first three seasons of Charmed instead. What can I do?
E -> M
1) Pollack still stands, 2) mccarthy would be our dear friend penny, 3) palahniuk has been worthless ever since fight club – is your memory really that bad? It must be since you have forgotten paul rudds performance in – _________ ²* – although he was hilarious in I love you, man.
Ben tried to get me to watch charmed. That and sabrina – ben has a thing for witches – he always wants me to watch the craft with him.
M -> E
Yes, he was hilarious in I love you man. He was also hilarious in Knocked up. He’s great in Role Models. He even wrote the thing. And that douchebag from the American pie movies is even kinda funny in it.
I thought there would be some weird werewolf thing with Ben. Did you see his forearm in those photos from his trip to Cleveland? It looks like Popeye made love to a Chia Pet. Gross.³*
Ok, so what do we have now for the recommends? Deadwood? Role models? Your Barb Johnson book?
Who knew this would be so much work?
E – > M
I believe we are missing some music – can you think of any outstanding music that came out this week? You know how ben is always talking about wilco.
This is work – probably why bens often fall flat but are genius when he doesn’t think about it (perhaps this is an allusion to something besides voreblog posts?¹** What do you think mr. Vore?).
M -> E
I would recommend downloading at least one song (I like No one loves me and neither do I) from the Them Crooked Vultures album.²**
There’s got to be at least one Josh Homme band for everyone and this isn’t a bad intro (heavier than desert sessions, lighter than queens of the stone age or eagles of death metal, less stoned than kyuss).
E – > M
I really have nothing else to day.
What have we learned? Mike likes to make fun of me and vice-versa and we both love to make fun of Ben. Mike and I enjoy the same things. Forced comedic efforts almost always fall flat.³** Doing this was like a homework assignment you procrastinate on until you’re forced to do it by vore+ (hence, my vore recommends post from months ago that was going to be called “babies” that I failed so miserably on and never did). I’m sorry ben and I hope you’ll forgive me but I have three kids. But I will recommend this to vore+ specifically: make a friggin baby – keep on trying and you’ll at least have some fun and burn some calories and you’ll be outstanding parents. And this to Mr. Allen – move in together for the love of christ. Stop dragging your feet. She will let you play with your G. I. Joe’s in your underpants at 2AM – colleen lets me, hell sometimes I even let her be Snake Eyes.
So, to close with – to ben and mike: get’r done.
That is all.¹***