Ben Is A Tricksy Hobbits; A One-Act Play.

[scene: The Vore living room. Outside the window lays the bleak, southern Ohio landscape. Inside, Erin is sitting on the couch and Ben on the chair. They are both admiring their new Digital Converter Box which allows them to watch the clash of the titans that is the biannual Cincinnati Bengals-Cleveland Browns game. It is at this moment that Ben hatches his scheme…]

BEN: Hey, I’ve got something to play you.

ERIN: Is it something that will save Matt Masterson’s soul?

BEN: No. Well, maybe. Here, just listen. I want you to guess who this is.

[Ben inserts CD into stereo. Gentle piano. A man sings, “Load the car and write the note.”]

ERIN: This sounds familiar. I know I’ve heard his voice before.

BEN: Keep listening.

[“One foot in and one foot back, but it don’t pay to live like that.”]

ERIN: Why can’t I place it? I know it’ll come to me.

BEN: Oh, it’ll come to you.

[“Brooklyn, Brooklyn, take me in. Are you aware the shape I’m in?”]

ERIN: This is going to bug me. Give me a clue. What’s the first letter of his name?

BEN: The first letter of the band’s name?

ERIN: Yeah.

BEN: Do you like it?

ERIN: Yeah. I really like it.



[ERIN furrows her brow, indicating serious thought. SCOOTER THOMAS walks in and plops his girth down on his Trader Joe’s Double Wide Cat Scratcher. He begins licking his nether regions.]

ERIN: Were you not going to tell me the letter unless I liked it?

BEN: No, I was just curious.

[“That woman she’s got eyes that shine, like a pair of stolen, polished dimes.”]

ERIN: I’m going to need another letter.

BEN: But you really like it?

ERIN: Yes. Next. Letter.

[“Three words that became hard to say/’I’ and ‘love’ and ‘you.'”]


[ERIN thinks for a moment. A look of understanding comes over her face, followed closely by regret, anger, shame, and, finally, resignation.]


BEN: Yes.

ERIN: That was dirty.

BEN: You said you liked it.

ERIN: Well … well … you like Luna Bars!

(This is true.)




[For context: See Erin’s previous take on TAB.]

8 thoughts on “Ben Is A Tricksy Hobbits; A One-Act Play.

  1. Ben, we have discussed the Luna Bar thing, and I support you. This is an excerpt from the Official Luna Bar website: “Men too can enjoy LUNA bars! There is nothing in a LUNA bar that is not good for men.” Also, if any of you are interested, the general consensus of the various Luna bar web forums is that Luna bars do not, in fact, cause men to grow breasts.

    1. This is very reassuring. I will stop spending so much time investigating my upper torso in the mirror every morning.

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