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Jeremy Piven Takes Your Questions *UPDATED* (x5)

SWM looking for morally bankrupt company. Let’s talk!

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Time magazine invited Jeremy Piven to its weekly Ten Questions forum. Regrettably, readers lobbed softballs. ( “Of all the different looks you’ve had on film, which hairstyle have you liked the best?” Seriously, Christian Zafiroglu of New Castle, Delaware?)

What we would have asked: “Why have you morally bankrupted yourself as a spokesman for such heinous, soulless companies as Buffalo Wild Wings and Cincinnati Bell?”

And did anyone actually see The Goods?

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(Mike LaSalle of the San Francisco Chronicle did. He didn’t like it.)

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UPDATE!: We have stumbled across Piven Online News, a fellow WordPress blog devoted exclusively to all things Jeremy Piven. We apparently missed celebrating Piven’s birthday (July 26), but PON didn’t. (See “News Coverage of JP’s BDay.”)

UPDATE 2!: UPDATE 1! was not a joke.

UPDATE 3!: What would be more pathetic: Starting a blog devoted to Jeremy Piven or a blog devoted to the Utah Jazz? This is not a rhetorical question.

UPDATE4!: Piven himself has condescended to answer your questions! Send them now!

UPDATE5!: Is Jeremy Piven the biggest jerk in showbiz? (And does he wear hair plugs?) Page Six tells all!

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8 thoughts on “Jeremy Piven Takes Your Questions *UPDATED* (x5)

  1. Stella in Cincinnati would like to know how much sushi an average-sized male needs to eat, on an hourly basis, to succumb to mercury poisoning?

    Also, how much mercury poisoning does an average-sized male need to suffer from to think making “marmaduke” into a movie is a positive career move?

    1. Answer: A lot. I had sushi with breakfast, lunch and dinner. Or should I say, I had breakfast, lunch and dinner with my sushi.

      But mercury poisoning is really nothing to joke about, Stella B.

      And I’m doing “Marmaduke” for the kids. Do you hate kids or something, Stella B?

  2. Hey, sir.

    Long time fan, first time question giver.

    I’ve been wondering, how exactly does John Cusack’s butt taste?

    As someone that made his way up through the farm system squarely on the Say Anything trenchcoat-tails of Mr. Cusack, you surely have acquired a palate for said delicacy.

    Regards,

    Matthew

    P.S. GIMME MY FIREBIRD KEYS!!
    P.P.S. HEY JENNY SLATER, HEY JENNY SLATER, HEY JENNY SLATER!

    1. Good question, Mr. Leathers. Like many exotic meats — quail, alligator, kangaroo — Mr. Cusack’s rump tastes a lot like chicken.

      (Jenny Slater has no idea what she’s missing.)

  3. Mr. Piven,

    First of all, I love your work. Nobody does five-o’clock-shadow-brooding quite like you.

    I’ve been wanting to ask you about this for awhile now. Can you please comment on this story?

    http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2009/08/10/2009-08-10_entourage_star_jeremy_piven_not_laughing_at_snl_alum_chris_kattans_jokes_during_.html

    So you faked the mercury poisoning to get out of a contract? And you look down your nose at Chris Kattan and his career? It seems like you should drop the rock, sir, seeing as how you live in a glass house.

    Thanks.

    Scott
    Mission, Kans.

    1. Scott,

      Regarding my friendly dialogue with Mr. Kattan, my rep made it rather clear when he said that we were just joking around, as actors do. Have you even seen actors joke around? Sometimes it involves yelling. And slamming doors. And death threats and knife fights. But it’s still just joking.

      I know, I know — it’s difficult for the untrained eye to see the difference. But trust me — if I ever murder Mango Kattan in cold blood, you can rest assured it’s just a friendly back-and-forth between two actors devoted to their craft.

      I’m glad you have noticed and appreciate my trademark five-o’clock-shadow-brooding look. It took years of staring at myself in the mirror to perfect it.

      As for glass houses, I have no idea of what you speak.

      And I passed through Kansas once. No offense, but it’s a real shithole.

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