Our cat and occasional guest blogger Scooter Thomas asked for the opportunity to address the viral video, “So Your Cat Wants A Massage?” We have agreed to let him write today’s post.
Thank you, owners, for the opportunity to comment upon a certain Internet video which explains, in scintillating detail, the carnal pleasures you can afford your feline through the simple but salacious technique known as “cat massage.”
Haven’t seen it? Here it is. (And a hat tip to Ryan Mecum for calling this to my owners’ attention.)
Phew! I need to take a cold shower!
1) Is there a luckier cat on the face of the earth than Champ? That devil.
2) Use two hands indeed! What’s that lazy left hand doing while the right one strokes our chinny chin chin? Put it to work!
3) The instructor (or “angel from God,” I don’t know which) hits on a crucial point when she explains the variant ways humans and felines experience time. What may seem “excruciatingly slow” to you, you harried, manic and forever-in-motion nitwits, is to cats an expanse of orgiastic pleasure stretching to infinity.
4) In thinking upon my “best mega-meow moments,” three come to mind:
The first was when my owners gave me my first (and still only) Kitty Hooch toy.
The second was when I was neutered. That was a mega-meow moment in the wrong direction.
The third was the rapturous experience of hearing Wilhelm Furtwängler conduct the Vienna Philharmonic in performing Brahms Symphony No. 1 in C Minor. What majesty!
5) I do want to touch upon the unfortunate tendency of the feline body to drool during moments of intense physical pleasure. As the instructor notes, we do sometimes forget to swallow, a lamentable trait that has not yet been purged from our collective genetic make-up through natural selection. But it is indeed a “very expressive and unconscious form of approval,” so have a towel or something ready for us, please.
6) I’m a bit touchy about having my chest muscles stroked, but I know other cats who would kill for such treatment. Consult your feline before diving in.
7) It is just a matter of time before your cat will start “demanding” cat massage. Better to acquiesce to our needs. Remember: We know where you sleep!
At this point, proceed directly to your feline of choice and introduce him or her to seventy times seven minutes of heaven.