From the man who brought you Zombie Haiku comes: Vampire Haiku! Yes, that’s right! Ryan Mecum, whose skill and expertise as a wedding DJ is unrivaled, returns with the story — told entirely in haikus — of William Butten, a passenger on the Mayflower who (spoiler alert!) turns into a vampire. While Vampire Haiku unfolds in the same format as Zombie Haiku, Mecum expands his premise to cover almost 400 years as Butten is present at such notable events as the Boston Tea Party, the Alamo, the Civil War ( “the Antietam leftovers/kept me full for weeks”) and Woodstock. He also dates Emily Dickinson, laments the release of Bram Stoker’s “tell-all” novel, and — our favorite part — offers a critical assessment of Twilight ( “if sunlight makes you sparkle/you’re a unicorn”). But what unifies all this popping in and out of American History 101 is Butten’s yearly pilgrimage to D.C. to watch the July 4th fireworks and catch a glimpse of his first immortal love, Katherine.
Once again, we are torn between two conflicting impulses: to quote this book in its entirety for you, and our deep and abiding respect for copyright laws. Therefore, we will sample but three haikus from this fine volume to whet your bloodlust:
Our first kiss was bad,
for when she began necking,
I began bleeding.
I only need blood,
but sometimes I eat apples.
Well … Adam’s apples.
Like a juice box straw,
it’s hard to suck through knee veins.
Aim for arteries.
A fine independent bookstore in your neighborhood is eager to sell you a copy of Vampire Haiku today. Get yours!