NBA, sports

NBA Finals Fail


The joke’s on us, people.


Scott Guldin (rightfully) calls us out for failing to get this thread up and running prior to last night’s horrific Game One.

Kobe after the game: “I just want it so bad, that’s all. I just want it really bad.”

Awww. Mamba wants it so bad.

Just like he wanted to beat those rape charges so bad.

Harsh? We don’t think so. Please, David Stern, ABC and NBA Inc., stop trying to force-feed the image of Kobe as a great guy and great teammate down our throats. He’s the best player in the league right now, but let’s leave it at that.

Our thoughts after Game One (which, obviously, we* missed live): Please, mercifully, let this series be over as quickly as possible. 

In the words of Tracyanne Campbell, “Lloyd, I’m ready to be heartbroken.”


* = “We” obviously means “Ben.”


28 thoughts on “NBA Finals Fail

  1. The interview between Magic and Kobe at halftime made me cringe. I believe one of the questions was, “I think you’re the greatest player ever. Do you agree?”

  2. This is my favorite Magic Johnson interview:

    As for Mamba, I continue to be amazed that this asshole has been able to rehabilitate his image to the point that we’re all pretending that he’s a great guy and team player. Bullshit. Bill Simmons has been all over this. Kobe is an asshole and I’m willing to bet $25 that none of his teammates can stand him (I don’t gamble so this is a big deal). Here are some Kobe being an asshole highlights:

    I don’t want to get into a debate of what happened in Colorado, but in the BEST possible scenario, he committed adultery, asked to do a completely disgusting act that is more about degradation than sexual gratification, and then threw a teammate under the bus trying to defend himself. The worst possible scenario is he is a rapist. Anybody think either of these are cool? Kobe Bryant is a piece of shit. He is the only person in the NBA I like less than Bruce Bowen, who I would love to see shank Kobe as he drives the lane.

    For some reason Kobe really set me off today.

    1. I am prepared for a response and questions. I’m sure Mr. Voreblog will make a special exception for Kobe change the blog rating to R.

      1. FULL DISCLAIMER: The comments portion from here down has not been screened by the MPAA. Things may get ‘R’-rated. The editorial board here is loosening its generally-more-PG-13 standards so as to allow an open dialogue between Andrew Cashmere and Yellow Thunder, two people already writing under pseudonyms.

        Gentlemen, the floor is yours.

  3. Anyone else besides me google to verify what the “disgusting act” was? I actually always thought it was something else. Anyhoo . . .

    As Andre from Kenyon would say, Kobe can suck on deez!

  4. Dear J.J. Redick,

    You are a short, white dude in the NBA. You also happened to attend Duke. Your sole purpose in life is to make wide-open 3s and protect the ball.


    Scott Guldin

    1. Perhaps one of the most ridiculous statements ever. Kobe continues to be a fucking asshole.

      I also don’t think we are embracing the temporary rating change to R. I’d like to point out that:

      1. Kobe is a piece of shit.
      2. I would love to piss on Kobe’s car door handle.
      3. Kobe can go fuck himself.
      4. Not going to say that word.
      5. Kobe is a huge cocksucker.
      6. Kobe is also a motherfucker.
      7. Not going to say that word either. The ‘T word’ makes me uncomfortable.

      Special thank to George Carlin for helping me push the limit. This will be the end of my rated R tirades about Kobe, but probably not the end of my tirades about Kobe.

  5. As expected, these Finals are excruciating to watch … especially after the way Orlando dismantled Cleveland. Mickael Pietrus: 2 points in 23 minutes, fouled out. J.J. Redick getting 27 minutes of PT. Rafer Alston playing like he remembers he’s Rafer Alston. It’s like a train wreck. Why can’t I look away?

  6. Well, was Game Three anything besides a blip on the radar?

    I’ll say here that I’d be willing to tolerate Mickael Pietrus’s victory parade head-bob, so long as he then promised to retire it forever.

    I’ve been hard on Rafer Alston, but he had a good game tonight. This does not change the fact that you don’t win a championship with Rafer Alston at point guard.

  7. And what kind of zen strategy is behind this? Other than that it just gives me more reason to consider Phil Jackson an arrogant jerk who likes messing with opponent’s heads?

  8. Ugh.

    Did I mention I hate the Lakers?

    And Kobe?

    You can add Derek Fisher to the list. And Pau Gasol. And Andrew Bynum. Trevor Ariza, too. And Kareem, just for old time’s sake.

    I’m not happy right now. Kobe played a terrible game tonight. I truly believe that. He shot 35% from the field. But all anybody is going to talk about is how gritty it was, what a great competitor he is.


  9. Maybe it’s because he wore a Jazz uni for a year, but I have a soft spot for Derek Fisher. Off the court, he’s a stand-up guy. So it’s a testament to just how much I hate the Lakers that I wanted to kidney punch him tonight.

    I second your vomit.

  10. Did you watch, Ben?

    Did you see the look on his face after he made the 3 in OT? That was enough to erase a lifetime supply of goodwill.

    I see your kidney punch, and I raise you a spork to my own eyeball.

    Also, are you guys OK for the digital TV conversion? Every time they have those PSAs, I think of you guys. You and very, very, very, very old people.

  11. SVG has lost two crucial games to 3’s so far in this playoffs. You would think that for a team who shot so many, they would, you know, be hip to defending that shot. I love Jameer’s face- “Yo, dawg, I got up on him best I could and our coach didn’t tell us to foul.”

    Kobe can eat my poop.

  12. Scott — I did not watch the game live. I did see the highlights, and I will admit that the predatory, gloating look on Derek Fisher’s face clearly indicates that he sold his soul to the devil. After sleeping on it, I retract my previous comment.

    We are in fact not ready for today’s digital switch. On NPR this morning they said that 2.5% of the populace was in our situation (and in the greater Cincinnati area only “several thousand”). Those numbers made me realize what a fringe minority we are, especially since we are under 82 years old.

    YT — I hate sports pundits who see every win as somebody else’s loss, i.e. “Jameer Nelson played bad defense” vs. “Derek Fisher hit a big shot.” But, as you say, that was not the case last night. Nelson looked surprised that Fisher pulled up for the shot. Really? He wasn’t thinking that any Laker — but especially his man — might attempt a three in that situation?

    I like Jameer Nelson, but why is he playing in this series again?

  13. We never cease to be amazed by your peerless prognosticating, Mr. Guldin.

    Hey, maybe you haven’t heard yet, but Kobe is really a great guy. This ring means a lot to him because people doubted him for so long. They said he couldn’t win without big brother Shaq. They booed him. Some called him not-nice names. And then poor Kobe had some dumb teammates who occasionally did things like turn the ball over or miss free throws. Oh, cursed Kobe! How much he has overcome! Thank goodness THIS monkey is off his back! Winning is the surest measure of virtue. All hail Virtuous Kobe! This means you!

  14. I had a nightmare the other night. Emily and I had somehow been captured by this drug cartel that lived in Deer Park. They kept us and other families at their compound where we were free to go make drug runs, but could not leave or we would be killed. I vividly remember a scene in the dream where Eleanor was walking around this shitty house looking really sad. I woke up really upset. Do you know who the leader of the drug cartel was in my dream? Kobe F’n Bryant.

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