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How To Hunt — And Kill — The Dreaded Chupacabra: The Terrifying Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum

Chupacabras

The chupacabra (literally, “goat sucker“).

 

If you have not yet decided to live in fear of the chupacabra, it’s time. From wikipedia:

The name comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats. Physical descriptions of the creature vary. Eyewitness sightings have been claimed as early as 1990 in Puerto Rico, and have since been reported as far north as Maine, and as far south as Chile. It is supposedly a heavy creature, the size of a small bear, with a row of spines reaching from the neck to the base of the tail. …

In at least one sighting, the creature was reported to hop 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the chupacabra’s eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

 

In other words, cancel those summer vacations to Puerto Rico and anywhere between Maine and Chile.

If the above paragraphs did not immediately produce a chilling effect upon your soul, you should consider the possibility that you do not in face have a soul. This is no laughing matter. Even if you don’t own goats or other livestock, you can’t afford to take the chupacabra for granted. That would be a mistake — a fatal one.

The Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum is simple: How would you hunt and kill the feared chupacabra? It will be incumbent on us to think outside the box on this one, people. Lives may depend on it.

In the meantime, Scooter Thomas will be staying indoors as he has often been mistaken for livestock.

The NBA Playoffs Readers Forum has picked back up as well, featuring hard-hitting commentary on Joakim Noah’s offseason activity; heated exchanges about slander and potential infringement upon the intellectual property of certain comments made in Google Chat; a zinger from Matthew Leathers; and detours into the NHL Playoffs, with Scott G—– masquerading as a Chicago Blackhawks fan just to spite true hockey aficionado Jenny McDevitt. Join the discussion and comment here!

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25 thoughts on “How To Hunt — And Kill — The Dreaded Chupacabra: The Terrifying Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum

    1. LOL look I’m from Honduras. You are white and probably got time and money to come over here if you wanted to. This is no joke here, it’s killed livestock and ppl have dissappeared here. Just because you believe it is ridiculous doesn’t mean it really is. Unless you are the owner of the TRUTH and know all. Excuse me but I have no sense of humur about this. I’m even contemplating going on a hunt… poor hard working ppl are seeing these things and they don’t even go out at night anymore. Excuse me again but this was offensive, making fun of a serious situation to some. Just wanted to give my opinion plz don’t write back with insults or bs. Heres TODAYS newspaper article about it: http://www.latribuna.hn/2011/07/04/terror-provoca-extrana-criatura-en-lepaterique/?utm_source=La+Tribuna+-+Honduras&utm_medium=facebook (sorry it’s in spanish and sorry it doesnt contain the pics inside but look at the man holding the bones under where it says: “Terror provoca extraña criatura en Lepaterique”).

  1. Ben,

    I appreciate the effort here. I really do.

    It’s obvious you took a lot of time researching Chupacabra. The seven minutes you spent on Wikipedia must have really thrown off the rest of your day.

    But is this really serious?

    How would you hunt and kill chupacabra?

    You might as well make the question: “What are your plans for catching the wind?” or “Give us your strategies for drinking a gallon of milk in an hour” or “How could a PR firm make Kobe likable?”

    You’re not giving much credit to ol’ Chupes here.

    As I mentioned in our GChat (surprised you didn’t quote it here), my friend and I discussed this at length for nearly a week.

    I asked him again for this thread, and he said: “Start with lots of goats and chickens. Mix in lots of sleepless nights and monastic patience. Wait with a gun until you get a clean shot, just like any other animal.”

    That’s where he and I diverge. Chupacabra is in no way like any other animal.

    It just isn’t.

  2. Scott,

    This is why I was hoping you might spearhead our anti-chupacabra efforts. You’ve been on the frontlines (or at least discussed this with others who have been on the frontlines, or talked about what they would do if they were on the frontlines).

    Frankly, I’m also disappointed by your defeatist posture.

    Did your Cubs not suit up this year because of the staggering weight of a century’s worth of thwarted expectations?

    Did your Bulls phone it in after Rondo assaulted BM in Game Five?

    Did Levin O’Connor give up on his dreams to go pro after tearing his comedic ACL?

    No! Hell no!

    We won’t go quietly into the night!

    p.s. My research on Wikipedia this morning was a good twenty-two minutes.

  3. Nerd Alert – The X-Files episode dealing this creature (season 4 episode 11) is one of the better ones – that is if you enjoy some social commentary from sci fi shows. Who doesn’t!

  4. I think you start by making friends. Get his formidable defenses down (fangs, red eyes, bloodlust, etc).

    And then, when he confides in you about how lonely it is for him, make fun of him!

    Long after the sulfuric stench clears, his shame will remain.

  5. 1) Get Nic Cage in a bear suit.

    B) Take Mr. Bescak’s suggestion of “making friends” one step further……think Pepe le Pew and his cat girlfriend.

    3) Wait for Nic Cage while wearing said bear suit to punch said chupacabra in the face.

    6) Make sure everything is being filmed, as this will probably be Nic Cage’s greatest role ever.

    F) And possibly greatest performance…..

  6. Challenge the chupacabra to a game of You Don’t Know Jack. Then, while his/her attention is focused on the computer, have Cy Wainscott sneak up from behind and engage him/her in some rigorous editorial commentary.

    At some point, the chupacabra will fall over, lulled into a trance. Then you make your move, either to capture or kill. That’s up to you.

    (If our esteemed former Collegian advisor is not doing well these days, this post basically makes me an ass. I sure hope that is not the case.)

    1. ZING!

      I like a feisty Fuoco. Heaven forbid she train her formidable powers of wit and irony on me. Rue the day.

      1. That was a poorly executed ZING! A few points.

        1. I don’t know of any psychologists who are actually able to collect $200 per session.
        2. I keep my verbal contribution to conversation in session less than 1/3 of the total jibber jabber said.
        3. Cashmere > Fuoco
        4. Fuoco = Poop

        With regard to how I would hunt and kill the chupacabra, I would probably not kill the poor guy. I would drink a few beers with him and then head over to the Fuoco house to make her a delicious batch of tub chili.

          1. We were starting to worry that Andrew Cashmere’s absence from this Readers Forum meant he had been eaten by the dreaded chupacabra.

  7. Fools.

    I’m reading this.

    Sharing every harebrained strategy you devise to outsmart me only makes me stronger.

    You are playing into my scaly reptilian hands by tipping your pathetic, mortal hand.

    I will enjoy leaving a sulfuric stench behind with your mangled flesh.

  8. Train a grizzly bear to follow your commands and arm the grizzly bear with a chainsaw.

    Because a grizzly bear with a chainsaw is a KILLING MACHINE.

    You gotta outsource this. Did you see that picture? That thing looks tougher than one of Lunchbox’s sperm.

    I’m just saying.

  9. one thing…… the chupacabra doesnt mistake you for livestock, it just likes to kill and eat you. To stop it first of all, avoid it. If that doesnt work than dont run, it will know your scared and attack… stand youre ground and look it in the eyes and let it no youre not going any where. If it attacks you anyways restrane it and poke its eyes, but if it starts to run at a stan off chase it and make sure it leaves and becarefull from now on!

    1. Got a recent report here in Honduras (where I live). I agree with you sir, they are not just animals or regular creatures. We got lot’s of villages (nearly 9-10) being attacked by these entities. I’ve seen the pictures of the livestock (here’s the link from today: http://www.latribuna.hn/2011/07/04/terror-provoca-extrana-criatura-en-lepaterique/?utm_source=La+Tribuna+-+Honduras&utm_medium=facebook) I apoligize it’s in spanish and if you need a better picture of the aftermath I can scan the images. LEt me be blunt: they leave behind the smell of sulfuric acid (lot’s of reports of witnesses say that), I believe they are Jinn. These ppl are poor and live in tiny houses with no protection. I was initiated years ago into a “society/brotherhood” where mysticism is practiced. I am well trained in martial arts and weapons and know a lil enochian and sanskrit. I want to go to one of these places and stablish communication with them as I don’t believe you can just kill them. A rapport must be stablished. I would be a disbeliever but I saw one in a little town here called “Marcala”, it means “between mountains” in old Lenca dialect. I saw the bent legs, small stature and red eyes (didn’t smaell sulfur but we were in an open field with wind that night). They say they fly, they don’t they levitate….very quietly. Hre’s a video I found similar to what I saw(the head was different though): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U3Lqth6uq8&feature=no240light . Ok sir I just want your opinion on this: “Should I procede to engage them? And what else do you know? I’d appreciate your insights.”

  10. how to kill a chupacabra: SHOOT LIKE MAD THEN RUN cuz he’d be PO then KEEP SHOOTING AND RUNNING then videotape the Dead body to show the wolrd what you did!!!!(you may die first, if so Sorry
    !!!!!)

  11. This is the biggest hunk of goat poop I have seen. I am a real Chupacabra hunter. My talents and skills know no range because I have seen this beast with my own two eyeballs. I was even on a documentary about how sweet my huntin skills were. Check it out to see how the real Chupa hunters roll.

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