Various Epithets Directed At The TV Before And After Helen Phillips Won The Biggest Loser Tonight



  • “Just because she loses weight she thinks she can wear a Paris Hilton dress?” (Erin)
  • “Tara’s probably thinking about that cookie Helen ate which cost Tara ten grand.” (Ben)
  • “Even if Helen wins, no one will respect her because everyone really loves Tara.” (Erin)
  • “Plus Helen sold out her daughter! She’s the anti-Ron!” (Ben)
  • “Is it me or does Jerry keep checking out Alison Sweeney’s boobs?” (everyone)
  • “She should probably stop lifting her arms. Those things are gross. (sister/-in-law Ellen)
  • “Cheerio, Ellen. I’ll do you one better: As the great Bob Dylan once said, the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind like the underflab of Helen’s arms.” (Scooter Thomas)
  • “I don’t #$&%^*@ believe it.” (everyone)
  • “This is so disappointing.” (Erin)
  • “I can only imagine what the comment boards on will say tomorrow.” (Ben)
  • “She truly is the Biggest Loser but not because of her weight loss but because she is a sucky mother. I hope she balloons up to twice her size I bet this trashy old lady spends all of her winnings on herself and not her daughter.” ( “Rose,” on
  • “I will NEVER watch this show again….Helen was such a very, very selfish person….I won’t even call her a “Mother”, she sacrificed her child … and looked sick, instead of healthy, so I am questioning how she actually lost the weight at home, I have lost all faith in the “character” of this show…….so I for one, will never watch it again. Kudos to Tara & Mike for doing it the right way!” ( “Kat,”
  • “UUUUUGGGH!!!!! I cannot STAND Helen!!!! Such a Selfish Person!! This was HANDS DOWN my most disappointing Loser Finale EVER!!! Across the Stage is her 190+ pound daughter -DISGUSTING!!! I for one cannot wait for the new season in September to cleanse the CRAP from last night. On the bright side, HELLen will NEVER maintain 117 pounds. I HOPE SHE GAINS IT ALL BACK.” ( “thatswhatshesaid,”
  • “I didn’t like Helen, but I’m glad she has the money now to get that badly needed nose job.” ( “Lisa,”
  • “Though she is no doubt buoyed by the elation of this nationally televised moment, I suspect that Helen will — in time, perhaps sitting in the back of a limousine as she shuttles off to another commercial shoot or corporate shindig hawking The Biggest Loser brand name on products such as The Biggest Loser Total Body Bands, or maybe The Biggest Loser Juice Extractor & Citrus Juicer — note the subtle yet persistent awareness that in place of her soul is a gaping black void of nothingness, an abdication of the emotions and impulses that make one human — her maternal instinct, corrupted by her desire to trample her daughter’s chances at victory simply to ensure her own survival, or her compassion, traded like thirty pieces of silver for a cookie that cost her biggest rival a chance at a rightfully deserved ten thousand dollars — and that this realization will cripple her on an emotional and spiritual level, so that when she looks in the mirror she will see, literally, nothing; her greatest desire, that she would decrease in bodily mass only to earn an earthly crown which moth and rust will destroy, twisted into her greatest nightmare: that she has lost not just physical matter but the spiritual matter which makes one human, and that the endgame of her perverted desire to prevail by any means possible is that she now weighs absolutely nothing, she fails to exist, she has become zero pounds of that which makes us human. How sad.” (Scooter Thomas)
  • “I hate Helen.” (Ben and Erin)

2 thoughts on “Various Epithets Directed At The TV Before And After Helen Phillips Won The Biggest Loser Tonight

  1. I like how you indulge heartily in gulity-pleasue TV such as the Biggest Loser then claim some sort of moral superiority over the contestants, however despicable they may be. Kudos! When can we get a scathing legal analysis of case of the borrow lawnmower from Judge Judy?

  2. No irony is lost on you, Yellow Thunder. You should have been an English major.

    p.s. We were just finishing our Judge Judy post.

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