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Things To Do In Denver When Your Friend Katie Gets Hit On At A Bar By A Short*, Shady Guy Named Adam


The bartender failed Photography 101.


Step #1: Prepare Ben to be Katie’s boyfriend. Be sure to have Ben take off wedding ring as Adam is walking across the room. (It fits perfectly on Erin’s thumb.) Concoct a quick back story for the relationship. Establish appropriate physical boundaries for the imaginary relationship.

Step #2: Introduce Ben as Katie’s boyfriend. Have Ben assert his superior height by standing close to Adam and saying, “And who are you?”

Step #3: After Adam explains his prior meeting with Katie, an encounter a couple months back which involved relentless hitting-on, have Katie say to Ben, “That was right before we started dating.” 

Step #4: Introduce back story. For a higher degree of difficulty, surprise one another by adding increasingly preposterous subplots. Example: Katie: “We met at a 7-Eleven and I couldn’t pump gas. That’s when Ben came over and helped.” Ben: “I couldn’t believe Katie didn’t know how to pump gas. But I wasn’t going to pass up the chance to meet a smokin’ hot girl.”

Step #5: Have “single” friend Erin gush about how perfect Katie and Ben are together. Example: Say “you two were just made for each other.” Or, “I still can’t believe you two met at a 7-Eleven.” Or, “Really, that’s probably the most bizarre story I’ve ever heard about two people getting together.” (Possible rejoinder from Katie: “7-Eleven’s are just very special for us.”)

Step #6: Initiate subtle, appropriate physical contact. Examples: Putting arm around one another. Meaningful gazes into one another’s eyes. Light, playful shoulder punches, hand touches and back scratches. 

Step #7: Have Erin seize opportunity to make conversation with the gentleman sitting next to her at the bar. Determine appropriateness of him being a possible suitor for Katie. Ask him very direct personal questions about his age, job, interests and long term aspirations. Mentally catalogue all pros and cons for later conversation with Katie. 

Step #8: Have Ben and Katie whisper conspiratorially in one another’s ear. Possible lines to whisper: “Would some light hair-tousling be inappropriate?” “I think Adam is hitting on Erin now.” “This must be how Abraham felt when he said Sarah was his sister and then Abimelech slept with her.” “Did Adam just ask Erin to go to Brazil with him?” “I’m going to destroy him if he makes a move on her. Destroy him.”

Step #9: Determine when this has gone too far. Forcibly intervene in Adam’s latest hitting-on. Suggest the party continue down the street at The Spot. Tell Adam it was a pleasure meeting him and wish him a good trip to Brazil. 

Step #10: Curse the bartender for failing to take an in-focus picture from five feet. Proceed to The Spot.



* = As defined by Katie, “Anything below 5′ 10″.” Or six inches taller than Adam.


6 thoughts on “Things To Do In Denver When Your Friend Katie Gets Hit On At A Bar By A Short*, Shady Guy Named Adam

  1. Oh to have been witness to this event. The picture is a little blurry- but Katie he looks like he could be cute despite his shortness… maybe he just needs lifts in his shoes?

  2. Oh to have had you as a witness to this event. In addition to lifts in his shoes, he needs basic etiquette training, a muzzle, and a clean bill of health from the local health clinic.

  3. sounds like typical vore shenanigans have invaded the denver area. Try not to pick anymore wives being so close to UT and all – Colleen and I are still trying to make it work with the extra family members we picked up whilst in SLC for an hour.

  4. Step 11: Inform Ben that Katie’s older (taller) brother will be purchasing all beers at the next gathering. We can also toast the Stockton / Sloan Hall of Fame selection.

  5. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats. Please profusely thank Katie for finding herself in such a situation as to provide this much entertainment in retrospect. I’m glad you didn’t need to destroy him.

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