friends, movies, Nic Cage

The Morning After

Five good souls braved Knowing with us last night, and none tried any hanky panky. The thought of any hanky panky was certainly the last thing on anyone’s mind during the bloodbath festivities. The consensus among our guests, particularly Matthew Leathers, was that Knowing was not in the same category as, for example, the wretched 8MM. Mark Hoobler remarked that, had he been watching Knowing on DVD, he would have at least stuck it out until the end. That’s one of the reasons we hated Knowing so much: It wasn’t half bad to start out with. It could have been just a mediocre movie. But somewhere along the way — and if you asked us, we’d pinpoint the exact moment being when Nic Cage’s son Caleb looks out the window to behold an apocalyptic vision of hell on earth, replete with a flaming moose bursting forth from the conflagration — Knowing went off the rails. In a post-movie roundtable discussion, we addressed a few key questions, such as:

  • Did L. Ron Hubbard write the screenplay? (Really, he didn’t?)
  • Why did the boy and girl who were abducted befriended by aliens both take a rabbit with them on the spaceship? Is it like Noah’s Ark and the animals two-by-two? Or is it symbolic of the fact that this young Adam and Eve will need to do it like rabbits to repopulate the human race? Or is it just because nobody cared anymore?  
  • Were the aliens really extras from a Depeche Mode video shoot?
  • Is there a direct correlation between the length of Nic Cage’s hair and the awfulness of the movie?
  • Which preview generated more laughter: Sorority Row or Crank: High Voltage? (Or Drag Me to Hell?)
  • Did Nic really describe his character as “almost cinema verite … so that it would make the experience more terrifying for you and perhaps more visceral in some way”? (Answer: Yes.)
  • Did one review of Knowing really state, “What might have been a profound philosophy on existentialism is churned into a dull affair swirling around the vortex of Valium that is Nicolas Cage”? (Answer: Yes.)
  • And did that same review also declare, “While the effects work is excellent, it’s quickly tarnished by Nic Cage stumbling around the chaos not getting anything accomplished. I can think of no better summary for Knowing than the previous sentence”? (Answer: Yes.)
  • Did Erin really buy Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 7 in A Major” off iTunes after hearing it in the movie? 
  • Will the five people who joined us last night ever speak to us again? (Answer: Unclear.)

Now that we’ve given you the opportunity to see this film, we’re going to spoil it for you in one final, cleansing act of retribution for the wrongs it has perpetrated on us (twice), on five of our good friends last night, and on untold millions. Here’s how it ends: Cage, who has deciphered an apparently random string of numbers which predict every major global catastrophe of the past half century, as well as one catastrophe yet to occur, attempts to save his son (and the world) from solar flares which will destroy the planet. Only he doesn’t. That’s right, everyone dies in a CGI orgy of destruction. Everyone except Cage’s son and a young girl named Abby, who are invited by aliens who may or may not be angels into a crystal spaceship and flown to some Edenic planet in another solar system where they will, one guesses with a bit of revulsion, restart the human race. 

You have no idea what a relief it is to get that out. We, like Nic Cage, had to prevent our own global catastrophe, which would have been you watching this movie without an idea of what you were getting into. To borrow one of the more-guffawed at lines from the movie: Yes, they needed to go where the numbers wanted them to go. Our numbers want us to take a giant #2 directly after viewing this dumptastic film.

To our friends who joined us last night: You are better people than we will ever be. We understand that you’ll never want to see us again. But thank you for keeping us company. We invite you to use the comments space as a safe, constructive place for you to process what you saw last night and/or denigrate us personally.


12 thoughts on “The Morning After

  1. I forgot about the flaming Mooses! It was not the sight of them; it was that sound, that sound that came out of their mouths. It was about the funniest thing in the movie.

    I assumed each one of the many spaceships that left the Earth each had a pair of male and female kids (and perhaps bunnies) that were deposited on planet Eden. Upping the odds for a quicker repopulation.

  2. Your comment, Mr. Hoobler, reminds us of your quip last night that it would be awkward for either Caleb or Abby, the Adam and Eve of this planet Eden, to fall for another Adam or Eve who had also landed on the planet. What exactly does one say in that situation? “I know you and I are supposed to repopulate the human race, but I would rather do that with Lisa over there. She’s way hotter.”

  3. Any chance this movie you’ve been describing is an elaborate April Fools hoax? It sounds entirely too ridiculous for words. (To be fair, however, many other movies fit into that category as well.)

  4. (Um, allow me to clarify: I know it isn’t really an April 1 fake. I might live in the library, but I do see the light of day every few weeks.)

  5. If indeed Knowing was simply someone’s sick idea of an April Fool’s joke, it’s still out-of-bounds. Waaaaayy out-of-bounds.

  6. My thoughts condensed:

    Not Cage’s worst movie. Just not a good movie, at all.

    Rose Byrne was awful, just awful. This contributed to the overall mediocrity more than Cage’s performance.

    The big time effects were laughable. The scene were Nic stumbles around the plane crash was very poorly done. That could have been riveting. And let’s not get started on the flaming moose (not gay moose). This contributed to the mediocrity.

    Overall, I actually think the story could have been successful. I really do. Put it in better hands, say, Guillermo del Toro and Ryan Gosling (dreamy!), and I think it could have been a decent popcorn flick. I’m all for Aliens and solar flares, but let’s not make it laughable.

    P.S. My favorite part of the whole movie was the Aryan shooting beams of light out of his mouth. It was very Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China. Killer.

  7. Rose Byrne was awful. She really stood out in Troy, so I was hoping for better here.

    There should be more Voreblog movie nights, just with better movies. And Erin and Ben should be split up, so I do not have to listen to the making out. I thought it was the Moose again. Who makes out while the world is being incinerated?

  8. We thought it was cool to make out while the world was being destroyed. Like Tyler Durden and Marla Singer at the end of “Fight Club.”

    (Speaking of, maybe we should start a Voreblog Fight Club in addition to Voreblog movie night?)

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