Your regularly scheduled Friday Recommends is being preempted by this very special announcement.
We wrote earlier this week that Knowing is the worst movie we’ve ever seen. You must understand the tremendous personal anguish it caused us to reach that critical judgment. We like Nic Cage. We want other people to like Nic Cage. It pains us to hear Nic Cage’s good name maligned for the cinematic missteps of his past. We acknowledge they exist. We aren’t trying to rewrite history. We just believe Nic Cage is more than the worst movie he’s ever made. (You can fill in the blank with your movie of choice. Ours would be The Wicker Man).
But Knowing was so fantastically bad that we were reduced to laughter during the climactic scenes, scenes which we doubt director Alex Proyas intended to be laughed at. We left the theater wondering, How can we redeem this moviegoing experience? (Can we redeem this moviegoing experience?)
The answer we came up with: Let’s share this movie with our friends. In other words, we want you to go on a date with Voreblog.
Originally we intended to do this on Sunday. Weekend plans have now pushed it back to a weeknight, specifically next Tuesday, March 31, at Kenwood Towne Centre. Start time is 7:15 p.m. And because it’s Tuesday, tickets are just five bucks!
Why, you might be asking at this point, would I jump at the opportunity to watch a film which the Vores have called the worst movie of all time? We would suggest four reasons:
1) The redemptive power of Mystery Science Theater 3000. For those of you non-Misties, MST3K was about a man launched into the loneliness of space with only bad, B-list and C-list movies to keep him occupied. The man, Joel (later Mike), builds two robot companions to help him get through the films. The show is you, the viewer, watching the same movie that Joel and the Bots are watching. Their silhouettes are in the bottom right corner. They keep a running commentary during the film, ranging from highbrow to lowbrow, satirical to juvenile, silly to sublime, their jibes and barbs running the gamut of pop culture. Why are they doing this? To stay sane.
That’s why we’re inviting you to watch Knowing with us. So we can all stay sane.
2) We have tussled with many a Nic Cage critic in this space, and watching Knowing with you very excitable, very impassioned, occasionally deranged individuals would be our way of saying, “You were right this time.” Think of it as a peace offering. See, we are laying down our arms. We seek unity. We want to dance on the ashes of this wretched film with you.
3) We want to challenge you. (Hence this being previewed as “the Knowing Challenge.”) Look at you sitting there in your comfort zone. You disgust us. There’s a ketchup stain on your shirt. You appear not to have bathed or attended to basic grooming for months now. And your fly is down. This has to end. You’re in our world now, soldier! Time to report for duty!
and 4) We will pay for one of you to join us. How can you win a date with Voreblog, you ask? By correctly answering the following trivia question: What’s the first Nic Cage movie that the Vores watched together? We started dating in 2003, although we didn’t necessarily see this movie in the theater. (We’ll go ahead and link straight to Cage’s IMDB page to save you some time.)
The first person to respond with the correct answer gets a free ticket from us next Tuesday night.* We’ll also share our popcorn and, depending on who wins, possibly let you take a sip of our Coke. But that’s unlikely. (Germs and all.)
The winner will be determined by the time stamp on the comment. We’ll announce the winner on Monday. (This will still give you plenty of time to figure out what to wear on your date with Voreblog.)
Regardless of who wins, we hope to see you Tuesday night!
* = Some restrictions may apply. The winner must be able to actually use the winning ticket on Tuesday night. Cats and other non-humans are ineligible as they are not allowed in the theater. Must be 18 to enter.