Today we tackle the sensitive marital topic of whether or not to finish watching a movie — by yourself — that you began watching with your spouse but did not finish. Or: Starting and finishing a movie — by yourself — that your spouse may have rented with the intent of watching it together. Or: Watching ahead on TV DVD sets.
Seriously, you can’t wait for me?
We began this journey together. I drove to Blockbuster and called to see if you wanted to watch Body of Lies, Ghost Town, Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Australia. You said you were in a light-hearted comedy mood, so I went with Ghost Town. What could go wrong with Ricky Gervais*? (Plenty, it turns out — but we’ll blame Greg Kinnear.)
We watched forty, maybe fifty minutes before you conked out on the couch. Who can blame you? It was bad. You were tired. We’d both put in a long day. We went to bed.
Then, three days later when I suggested we put our heads down and barrel through (it was due back that night), we started watching for five minutes when you got that sheepish, guilty look on your face. You said, “What if I told you…”
“That you’re PREGNANT??” I said. I was absolutely convinced those were the next words out of your mouth, while at the same time baffled that you would choose this moment, halfway through Ghost Town, which we both knew was terrible though neither of us had said that out loud yet, to tell me that Scooter Thomas would one day have a younger sibling.
No, you said. It’s just that I already watched this. Can I just tell you how it ends so neither of us has to suffer?
Oh, my lovely wife, I could overlook this if it had been the first time. But was it the first time? No. Was it the second time? Not even. How many times has this happened before? Let me count them:
- “Dexter,” Seasons 1 and 2
- Pan’s Labyrinth
- “30 Rock,” Seasons 1 and 2
- “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” Seasons 2 and 3
- “Big Love,” Seasons 1 and 2
- “Extras,” Season 2
- “Prison Break,” Seasons 1 and 2
- The Faculty
- The Ballad of Jack & Rose
- “The Sopranos,” Seasons 1-6
Are you seeing a trend here?
Marriage is about being joined together. One flesh and all that. But what can I do when you’ve been going behind my back … with movies and TV shows I think I’m sharing with you for the first time? It’s so disillusioning.
But I am of small account. I will proceed no further. I repent in dust and ashes.
I can’t help it that you work weird hours. I only have a narrow window of time when I get to relax. And see all those seasons of television.
You know how I am with surprises. I can’t wait! I want to know now! Birthday presents, Christmas presents, secrets — it’s torture! Why do you put me in a situation where I have to endure such temptation?
Besides, I always watch them again with you. And you wouldn’t know any better if I didn’t tell you. It’s just that Ghost Town was so bad and I couldn’t bear watching it again.
The real question is: Why are you such a slow-poke meanie?
If I waited for your lazy butt all the time, think of the movies and TV shows we’d never finish. (Answer: All of them.)
I’m like Bob Harper on “The Biggest Loser.” I’m pushing you to be your best.
Also, when you come home from basketball on Wednesday nights you smell like The Swamp Thing’s crotch.
But I love you!
p.s. Your stromboli was much better tonight.
* = Speaking of Ricky Gervais. (h/t Mark Hoobler)