Friday Recommends, marital tension, movies, Nic Cage

Friday Recommends: Not Seeing These Movies On Valentine’s Day

In the current issue of Cincinnati’s alt-weekly CityBeat, staff writer Phil Morehart picks his “movies to avoid on Valentine’s Day” (or, “Love Me Nots”). “Cinema and the holiday d’amour make a perfect match,” Morehart says, before warning,

One thing is certain, however — if the wrong [movie is] chosen, your romantic evening will nosedive. Avoid films dealing with downer subjects or situations that might make you and your partner uncomfortable — strained relationships, infidelity. Take a pass on the new breed of hardcore torture porn as well. You don’t want to spend the evening cleaning the undigested remnants of your romantic dinner off of the floor. 

 

Moreheart goes on to list seven “prime offenders,” several of which might seem to be friendly fare if you knew nothing else about them besides their titles: Husbands and Wives, Scenes From a Marriage, Closer. He’s on his way to a good list, but we’d like to recommend a few more that he — and you — should avoid sharing with a loved one this Valentine’s season.

Monster’s Ball.  Bill Simmons describes the graphic Billy Bob Thornton/Halle Berry sex scene as “absolutely horrifying”: “I don’t think I’ve ever felt more uncomfortable in a room of people in my entire life.” So, if you’re walking through Blockbuster on a first date and your date picks up this movie and says, “I’ve heard this is really good!”, find a clean, expeditious way to jump through a plate glass window.

Requiem For a Dream.  Ditto.

Croupier.  This experience will be especially bad if you’ve really built up the movie beforehand. This movie and Closer are the two exceptions to the rule which says that any woman will jump for joy at the words, “Well it’s got Clive Owen in it!”

House of Sand and Fog.  Are you noticing a trend here? If Jennifer Connelly shows up in your ultimate date movie, odds are very good your relationship is sick and twisted and will end in death. (Reservation Road? Dark Water? Pollock? Little Children? The Day The Earth Stood Still? Folks, none of these movies end well.)

We Don’t Live Here Anymore.  Jennifer Connelly should have been in this movie. Instead, Naomi Watts does her best JC impersonation and everyone cheats on everyone else. This is basically a more pastoral Closer with slightly less foul language. Which is still no excuse to watch it.

21 Grams.  Another Naomi-Watts-doing-Jennifer-Connelly movie where everyone is really anguished and terrible things happen and when it’s over you just feel dirty and then curl up in a fetal position on the shower floor.

March of the Penguins.  Some of the penguins die! DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BAWL YOUR EYES OUT!!

Sahara.  Nothing — we mean nothing — is a bigger cinematic cold shower than Matthew McConaughey. You should feel the same about this whether you’re a man or woman.

Funny Games.  You are a depraved individual if this film gets anywhere near your DVD player on Valentine’s Day.

An Inconvenient Truth.  Regardless of how you feel about Al Gore, he should not be your go-to guy when it comes to setting a romantic mood. 

Jonestown. “Hey honey, want to watch a documentary film about religious fanaticism and mass suicide?” “What’s that dear? You’ve chosen to forsake sexual intercourse for the remainder of your time on this Earth?”

There Will Be BloodGreat movie, but in short:  There Will Be No Love Tonight.

The Standard of Perfection:  Show Cats. PBS documentary about what it takes to win the gold.  This is not a good date movie, unless your last name is Vore.  Then it’s purrrfectly romantic.     

 

Please, for everyone’s sake, fill us in on any we may have missed. And have a happy Valentine’s Day.

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28 thoughts on “Friday Recommends: Not Seeing These Movies On Valentine’s Day

  1. 8mm. snake eyes. wicker man. bangkok dangerous. next. ghost rider. windtalkers. city of angels. face/off. amos and andrew. con air.

    stay away from these. at least if you’re hoping to score with me on Saturday.

  2. Tad, I think you know which member of Voreblog is responding to your insidious remarks. Nic Cage is a god. The Rock, Peggy Sue Got Married, Raising Arizona, National Treasure? C’mon! He’s a genius. A slowly balding and quirky genius.

    In regard to your second comment: gross.

  3. As always, my go-to romantic movie is American Psycho. Patrick Bateman always gives the ladies a preview of what to expect: flexing in the mirror and pointing at myself followed by me running around naked with a chainsaw.

    This didn’t happen on Valentine’s Day, but Emily and I watched Kids on one of our first dates. In hindsight, it may not be a very good date movie.

    I remember being horrified/intrigued by Hallie Berry drunkenly yelling, “Make me feel so good…make me feel so good.”

    Finally, my ideal weekend would consist of beating the crap out of Nic Cage on Friday night, followed by choking Harrison Ford on Saturday morning.

  4. “Finally, my ideal weekend would consist of beating the crap out of Nic Cage on Friday night”

    You can reach me at 859.298.1286. Just tell me the time and place.

  5. Kids! Good one!

    Our list failed to include anything by Todd Solondz. Welcome to the Dollhouse. Happiness. Storytelling. He probably celebrates Valentine’s Day by sacrificing little baby unicorns.

  6. That’s funny, my top five list of people I would like to beat the crap out of is almost identical. The only difference in mine is I substitute Nic Cage for Ben Vore.

    The top 5 list did make me think that top 5 lists would be a fun topic for a Voreblog readers forum. Here are my top 5 top 5 list topics:

    -Top 5 all-time favorite albums
    -Top 5 beers/cocktails
    -Top 5 celebrities you get a free pass to hook up with if the opportunity arises
    -Top 5 pants shitting stories
    -Top 5 reasons Nic Cage is a douche

  7. Mr. Cashmere & Mr. Smith —

    Anytime, anywhere. Cage/Vore vs. Cashmere/Smith.

    To the death.

    Yo mamas so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

  8. We deeply regret we cannot continue this edifying conversation as we will be in a car for the next six hours. But we hope in our absence that someone will defend the honor of Nic Cage lest it continued to be sullied by ruffians.

  9. Courtesy of thejay.com………how to tell if you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie……

    If Nic’s hair is longer than four inches, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If Nic is mumbling his dialogue in an accent other than his own, you are probably watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If you turn on a Nicolas Cage movie and you notice Rosie Perez’s name is in the credits, you should probably watch something else. Otherwise you’re just gonna sit through a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If Nicolas Cage is playing a musical instrument of some kind, let’s say a Mandolin for example, then you are watching a WAY bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If at any point during the movie you hear this phrase: “Put the bunny down”, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t meant to be hip, ironic or in on the joke of its own badness. It’s just bad. Walk away.

    If Samuel L. Jackson is prominently involved in any way, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If you’re watching a Nicolas Cage action movie and notice that John Cusack is playing his sidekick, only he’s wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes like a normal person, because he’s pretentious and rebelling against the iron fist of creativity held by the major studios who make this crap (the same major studios who happen to be paying him millions of dollars to be in said crap, by the way), yet the fact that someone wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes (especially Lloyd freaking Dobler) can not ride a motorcycle, climb on top of a moving fire truck or help dispatch an uber-violent John Malkovich doesn’t give you pause, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. And are also mentally retarded.

    Do you like watching snuff films? Then why would you want to watch Nicolas Cage watch a snuff film? Put the bad Nicolas Cage snuff film DOWN!

    If his role requires him to have any muscle tone, for whatever reason, press stop on the DVD player and go watch some Family Guy reruns, because you’re watching a shitty Nicolas Cage movie.

    If even the sight of a blonde, dreadlocked, lips-to-11 Angelina Jolie can’t distract you from how boring, clunky, unfunny and out and out awful Gone in 60 Seconds really is (especially when Nic is getting chased by Master P. Like, huh? And also, shut up Giovanni Ribisi!), then it’s a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    Do not be fooled by the credit “Directed by Martin Scorsese”, you are still watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Turn it off and go watch The Departed instead.

    If Nicolas Cage is punching guys out, using double guns in slo-motion, blowing shit up and generally acting like a reject from Rambo-land, but the movie is NOT directed by Michael Bay, then why are you wasting your time? It’s just a bad Nicolas Cage action movie.

    Oh, hello Helen Hunt, good to see you. And what are you up to today? Appearing in a Nicolas Cage movie? Well, that’ll be bad then, won’t it? Don’t forget to powder the eight-head before your close-up. Wouldn’t want to blind the camera guy, now would we?

    If the director was stupid enough to let Nicolas Cage go blindly improvising into the night (Snake Eyes, I’m looking right at you), then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

    If you’re watching any Nicolas Cage movie where he’s wearing army fatigues, immediately get up, go down to the local army recruitment center and apologize for what you’ve done. Not only were you watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you were also taking a metaphorical dump on the U.S. military.

    If the Nicolas Cage movie you have on has the word “Man” in the title there’s a better than average chance you’re walking away disappointed. So make sure you either really like Tea Leoni (fat chance), have a soft spot for Wicker and/or Weather (Michael Caine softens the latter one), or are in the dire need of a Sam Rockwell fix (and really, who isn’t?), before proceeding with the watching.

    If Nicolas Cage is playing the brothers of Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz, well then… do I even need to say it?

    If the movie is a crappy remake of a crappy horror movie that nobody even liked in the first place, then you’re watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie (another red flag: the involvement of Leelee Sobieski in said crappy remake).

    Angelina Jolie couldn’t hottie her bad Nicolas Cage movie into a good one (or even a watchable one). Nor could Patricia Arquette, Carla Gugino, Gina Gershon, Monica Potter, Tea Leoni, Amber Valetta, Diane Kruger, Penelope Cruz or Meg Ryan (to some extent), respectively. So honestly, what chance does Eva Mendes have? Be forewarned.

    If you’re watching the trailer for the new Nicolas Cage superhero movie and find yourself thinking “Nicolas Cage, really? Was Ben Affleck not available?” and don’t immediately freak out that you’ve chosen Ben Affleck over Nicolas Cage, then don’t bother with Ghost Rider. Seriously. Save your money. Catch up on your TiVo. Go see one of the Academy Award movies (other than Babel). Hell, just go back and re-watch Daredevil. At least that superhero flick had a drunk out of his mind Colin Farrell walking around being bald, psychotic, and killing random bar assholes with toothpicks (not to mention an in-her-prime Jen Garner and a cameo by Coolio). And even Ben Affleck as a blind lawyer / red-leathered crime fighter isn’t nearly as ludicrous as Nicolas Cage playing a 45 year-old motorcycle stunt man who makes a deal with the devil to turn into a burning skull of fury (literally) and fight evil (played by Wes Bentley. Yes, that Wes Bentley, the plastic bag kid from American Beauty. I’m not even kidding. That’s the bad guy. Apparently Elijah Wood wanted too much money.). Yikes, is this moviegonna be bad, or what!

    Basically, if Nicolas Cage isn’t drunk, overweight, moony, exceedingly eccentric in a particular way (like, say, he steals babies for Holly Hunter), or bantering with Sean Connery, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.

  10. We get in a car for six hours and this is what happens to the comment thread?

    All of you who have remained silent should be ashamed of yourselves. Ashamed.

  11. I’ve had two responses to movies and both involved ladies verbally telling me they would not make out with me after watching them: they were “Cry Baby” in the sixth grade – “I will not kiss you, you are not Johnny Depp “and in the 11th grade “you expect some after that” after Natural Born Killers. I will also add that no pregnant woman should ever, ever watch “Taking Lives”. Although the movie that got me more action than any other “Good Will Hunting” I used that twice in one week and scored both times. I don’t think I’ve seen a Cage movie made after 1987 – “Raising Arizona” and “Valley Girl” I will watch repeatedly….if and only if for the jacked up turn the dad takes in the brilliant “Falling Down” as the crazy Nazi Surplus Store Owner – oh Frederic Forrest. Through the miracle of imdb I actually learned he is credited as Nick, Nazi Surplus Store Owner and that it looks like they are remaking Valley Girl – oh good christ why? I bet it’s going to star those kids from Slumdog: it will be great and probably better than Slumdog.

  12. I liked NC in “Matchstick Men.” He really went for it. It was cute.

    My suggestions for bad date movies:

    — “The Passion of the Christ”
    — “My Left Foot”
    — “Bad Santa”
    — anything else prominently involving Billy Bob Thornton
    — “The Piano,” mostly for the inexcusable yet recurring shots of Harvey Keitel naked.

  13. Two days later and Voreblog has still not figured out that Nic Cage is awful. His lines literally make me cringe. I would put his delivery on the same level as the detestable Horatio Caine in CSI: Miami. Just over the top and ridiculous.

    “I drive a Volvo. A beige one. So why don’t you cut me some FREAKING slack!!!”

    One of the worst lines ever. Luckily Sean Connery makes up for this later by telling us how to properly interact with the prom queen. Let’s not overlook his status as a well-known collector of Elvis memorabilia: commemorative plates, gold records, HIS DAUGHTER.

    Cage and Vore have gone too far and they will finally get theirs at Wrestlemania. Here is a picture of Tad and I preparing for our cage match with Nic Cage and Ben Vore. We are joined by our devious manager, Mr. Leathers.

  14. I’m really sad that I’m late to this party. I was in Chicago all weekend.

    Let it be said, let it be known, let it be written upon the tablet of thy heart: I LOVE NICOLAS CAGE.

    The list of fantastic movies by far out lasts the list of shitty ones:

    Fast Times at Ridgemont High
    Valley Girl
    Peggy Sue Got Married
    Raising Arizona
    Moonstruck
    Wild at Heart
    Honeymoon in Vegas
    Kiss of Death
    Leaving Las Vegas
    The Rock
    Con Air (It’s good, shut up)
    Face/Off (It’s really good, shut up)
    Bringing Out the Dead (borderline)
    Adaptation
    Matchstick Men
    National Treasure
    Lord of War (I really liked this)
    The Weather Man (Also really liked)

    Bad:
    Amos and Andrew
    Trapped in Paradies (although I will admit I kind of enjoyed this)
    City of Angels
    Snake Eyes
    8MM
    The Wicker Man
    Ghost Rider
    Next
    Bangkok Dangerous

    I only included the truly awful or truly great. We’re leaving out boring ones like Guarding Tess and It Could Happen to You.

    Overall, only shit like 8MM and Snake Eyes are his pure garbage films. You’re letting these few take over all the great stuff he’s done. But I might be biased, I like the movies some really hate, like Con Air, Face/Off, and Gone in 60 Seconds. Plus, “put down the bunny” is one of my favorite lines.

    So, as much as I’d LOVE to be the Mr. Fuji in this death match, I’m more on the side of the babyfaces. Therefore, I’m this one instead:

    I cannot wait to sit on your broad shoulders, Nic. I simply cannot wait.

  15. Also, my first date EVER was at a screening of Breakdown, starring the immortal Kurt Russell. Anytime you sit through 90 minutes of truckers kidnapping women, you’re almost guaranteed not to spend two hours flexing into a mirror, mid-coitus. Although, it might want you to start running around with a chainsaw, due to the lack of coitus.

    On a completely different note, here are a few movies not to see with a good guy friend:

    Velvet Goldmine
    Chuck & Buck
    Shortbus

  16. I’ll admit that I haven’t seen most of the movies on that list, but I’ll continue to base my hatred of him off The Rock, City of Angels, Con Air, and Face/Off. I may be alone in this, but I also put Harrison Ford in the same category of overrated actor as Nic Cage. He plays each character the same way and it seems like he forces his affect. Yes, I just said I don’t like Han Solo.

    I’m really liking the wrestling analogies. Tad and I are Demolition circa Wrestlemania IV: ass kicking heels who never lose and the crowd secretly want to cheer because we are so awesome. Cage/Vore and Rick Martel and Tito Santana: pansy babyfaces with huge cha-chas that get the crap pounded out of them. When Demolition beat Martel/Santana at Wrestlemania IV the crowd went batshit crazy, even though Demolition were the bad guys. Why? Because Nic Cage is a terrible actor.

  17. Whatevs, you guys are totally the Rockers at Wrestlemania V, who got squashed by the Twin Towers in like 4 minutes.

    Nic Cage is totally Akeem the African Dream, because he’s a white guy that can pull off any accent and ethnicity.

  18. A few thoughts:

    1. Akeem sucked. I was delighted when the Big Bossman turned on him and Slick.
    2. Slick was awesome. I can’t believe Jive Soul Bro wasn’t a Top 40 hit.
    3. One time Mr. Perfect pooped in a bucket under the ring during a match.
    4. I would rather clean Mr. Perfect’s poopie bucket than watch a Nic Cage movie.

  19. I have no response to that top-notch comment. But I do feel the need to post this video. My god, this racism tastes delicious!

  20. What has three days off the digital grid taught us? We are no longer needed to write this blog. Nic Cage, pro wrestling and a four-man staff of Andrew Cashmere, Matthew Leathers, Tad Smith and Scott Guldin are enough to power a blog on these days. This means we are retiring. It’s been fun.

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