First of all, congratulations are in order. You backed what was clearly the best team in the NFL this year. Last night’s dramatic, come-from-behind victory will go down as a Super Bowl classic. Santonio Holmes has become the new Dwight Clark. James Harrison rumblin’, bumblin’ and stumblin’ 100 yards for a touchdown just before the half resulted in him, and us, needing oxygen to recover. Former University of Pittsburgh star Larry Fitzgerald had a phenomenal game but was polite enough not to steal the show. Your coach Mike Tomlin, the youngest coach to ever win a Super Bowl, sure seems like a classy guy. And of course your franchise now has more Super Bowl rings than any other NFL team. So, again, congrats.
This doesn’t change the fact you are the most obnoxious people on the face of the earth. It pains me to say this because many of you are in fact close friends of mine. I have lived among you. I have listened to the bleating of Myron Cope on many a Steelers broadcast. You are, individually speaking, extraordinary people of good humor and sound judgment.
When you get together and start waving your terrible towels though, I cannot express just how much I hate you. You mirror the cocky, unsportsmanlike behavior of your team. Your local media champions are smug (Ron Cook), loony (Gene Collier), or reprehensible (Mark Madden, thankfully now fired). Even in the Bubby Brister years, you could not stop talking about the 70s and the Steel Curtain. And they’re called the Bengals, not the Bungles. At least have the decency to call an inferior opponent by its name.
You have every right to gloat. What other team has accomplished what you have? And you are still near and dear to my heart, Pittsburgh. You are a good city. So I implore you to claim the spoils of victory in a spirit of humility and gratitude. Yinz have offered Western culture such valuable things as steel, pierogies and Pittsburghese. When the year 2029 rolls around and the second coming of Neil O’Donnell has led your team to a 3-13 season and you’re banking all your hopes on Kordell Stewart’s third cousin resuscitating your lagging franchise, you don’t have to blather on about Ben Roethlisberger taking such vaunted NFC opponents as Arizona and Seattle behind the Super Bowl woodshed. Please, put down those towels and your Iron City and demonstrate the class which all western Pennsylvanians are capable of n’at.
I know you won’t. But I had to ask.