This man resolves to place first in a cloud marathon this year.
Tonight, for fun, we googled “how to keep New Year Resolutions” and came up with a hit for a site called eHow, which claims to offer practical advice on “How To Do Just About Everything.” A quick glance around the site confirms that it really does mean just about everything, including “How to Say No,” “How to Make an Origami Snowflake,” “How to Understand Common Screws,” “How to Tell a Deadbeat Parent How You Really Feel,” and our favorite, “How to Bounce Back When You Are So Angry.” (The author, ljstraight, offers this helpful advice, which we have refrained from grammatically correcting: “Talk to your family on what is upsetting you so much. When your angry believe me you will be expressing you feelings more than once.”)
So far as resolutions go, eHow member Bob Strauss had these tips:
- Aim low.
- Don’t overload yourself.
- Tell everyone you know.
- Reward yourself.
- Wait until spring.
So, taking Bob’s advice, we’ve now decided to amend yesterday’s resolutions. Here is our new, revised list:
- Eat locally, within about a 3000 mile radius.
- Cook & eat in more, or maybe bring home takeout and reheat it.
- Work out/run more, or pay someone to do it for us so we don’t feel overloaded.
- Adopt another kitten, or just wait until next year.
- Participate in the great colon cleanse of 2009, or don’t and say we did.
Phew! That feels much more doable now. We’re going to reward ourselves with some brownies. Thanks, eHow!
We couldn’t resist clicking on ljstraight’s link, which took us to other eHow submissions he (she?) has authored. Here’s “How to Walk in Their Shoes” ( “Try calming them down gently. This may be as simple as a big hug”), “How to Remember” ( “Forgetfulness doesn’t have to be scary”), “How to Make a Great Sauce For Fish” ( “I would recommend starting out by figuring out how many pieces of fish you are serving”), and “How to Find Small Treasures” (which — surprise! — is a guide to rock collecting. ljstraight says, “First, it’s always more fun sharing this fun time with your best friend. Give one a call!”).
Apparently people actually get paid to post these things on eHow. Hmmmmmmmmm.
New question of the day for the seventh Voreblog Readers Forum: What expertise do you have to share for Voreblog’s readership? How to Throw Your Wrestling Opponent Through a Plate Glass Window? How to Woo Celebrities Like Bridgette Nielsen? How to Make Friends With Other People Who Like Rock Collecting? Don’t send it to eHow for money — comment here for absolutely no compensation at all! If we’re lucky, maybe ljstraight himself will chime in too.
UPDATE: We just found another link for the “Top Ten Resolutions Not To Make This Year.” Only after clicking on it did we realize it was a link to the online edition of Cosmopolitan. Still, you can’t argue with avoiding resolutions like:
- losing five pounds ( “hot chicks like Jessica Biel and ScarJo are proof that toned and curvy are the new skinny”)
- buying into all the latest trends ( “it’s okay to be a slave to fashion … just be a slave to cheap fashion”)
- winning back your ex-boyfriend ( “we give you some permission to engage in some rebound relationship therapy”)
Incidentally, wouldn’t Slaves To Cheap Fashion be a great band name?