Christian Bale, poop, Uncategorized, Utah Jazz

2008: Highs & Lows

We are writing our year-end post from the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio, where our car broke down tonight after we drove over a nail and got a flat tire. Since checking in, we’ve been debating what exactly La Quinta is Spanish for. We previously believed it was Spanish for “The Plunger,” based on our experience at the La Quinta in Gainesville, Florida, where Ben clogged the toilet not five minutes after checking in. Since our room did not have a plunger, Ben had to inquire at the front desk, where he was informed that La Quinta stocked exactly one plunger, which the front desk attendant handed to Ben in front of six other people waiting in line. “Should I return this here?” Ben asked. “No, we’ll pick it up later if just leave it outside your room,” the attendant said. “Sort of like a scarlet A,” Ben said. “Like a what?” the attendant said. “Nothing. Thank you,” Ben said. After plunging the toilet, Ben left the plunger outside the door. It was still there two days later when we checked out.

Moving on. 2008’s highs and lows.

LOWS

  • We spend the night of December 30 at the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio.*
  • There is absolutely nothing good on TV.
  • There is no plunger in our room.

HIGHS

  • We did get a special AAA rate on our room.
  • The Animal Planet Channel just showed a man kissing a shark, resulting in the shark biting the man’s mouth, resulting in thirty-five stitches.
  • We just saw a commercial for Snuggies. This may actually be the number one highlight of our year.

OTHER HIGHS

  • We celebrated our first year as homeowners.

LOWS

HIGHS

LOWS

  • The Utah Jazz did not win an NBA championship.
  • And now Carlos Boozer is going to undergo arthroscopic knee surgery.
  • Ben is in next-to-last place in his NBA fantasy league because he took Boozer in round three and Kevin Martin in round five.

HIGHS

  • The Hold Steady released a new album.

LOWS

  • The Hold Steady released a new album.

HIGHS

LOWS

  • We failed walk-on tryouts for the Philadelphia Eagles to one of those cursed McPoyles.
  • We sold our shares of Paddy’s to Mac for half a sandwich.
  • We lost ownership of Paddy’s when a hobo beat us at a dance marathon.

HIGHS

  • We successfully completed the 10k Turkey Trot.
  • We successfully completed the Music City Half-Marathon.
  • The baboon heart transplant was a huge success.

LOWS

  • Ben got two — now three — flat tires.
  • Erin got a speeding ticket.
  • We were finally nailed for tax evasion and served 20 years.
  • Also, Christian Bale’s family continues to be crazy. (He deserves so much better.)

HIGHS

  • We took trips to Missouri, Portland and–

 

Pardon us. Scooter Thomas has just asked to say a few words.


LOWS FOR SCOOTER THOMAS

  • I could not protect my owners’ home from a break-in.
  • I am scared by the doorbell.
  • I had to go to the vet.
  • I could not conquer the infernal red pen light.
  • My Kitty Hooch no longer has the same potency as it did in June, and my owners have not bought me a new one.
  • My portfolio is shot.
  • My 401k is hemorrhaging money.
  • I wake in the morning with a sense of impending doom, exacerbated by the fact my food dish is almost never replenished in a timely manner and–

 

[The Vores take the computer back from Scooter Thomas.]

 

Sorry about that.

HIGHS

  • We kicked our glue-sniffing habit.
  • We are in contract negotiations to become sponsors for Snuggies.
  • Another twelve months without Hirschsprung’s disease!

LOWS

MORE LOWS

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  • Now That’s What I Call Christmas! CD a huge disappointment.
  • Erin’s scurvy continues to be a major social stigma.
  • We have been banned from Cracker Barrels nationwide after that little incident in February.

YET MORE SPIRIT-CRUSHING LOWS

  • We did not get a pony for Christmas.
  • Our cameo in Iron Man ended up on the cutting room floor.
  • Nobody bothered to tell us that pegging your jeans stopped being cool in 1990.

LET’S END ON A HIGH

  • We get a free continental breakfast tomorrow morning.

 

Thank you, La Quinta. Spanish for “life saver.”

 

We’re off until next Monday. See you in 2009.

 

—–

* = Scott Guldin, we know a sign when we see one. We will never stand you up again.

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3 thoughts on “2008: Highs & Lows

  1. Hold it, who’s the espanol teacher here? La quinta means “I would like a number 3 with cheese,please.”
    Sorry bout your wheel dudes. Hope you enjoyed the inn.

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