“If only Erin Vore were a Bond girl…”
A running dialogue with Mark and Katie Andolina during the car ride home from Quantum of Solace:
ERIN: My only complaint is not enough Daniel Craig.
BEN: But he was in almost every scene.
ERIN: Still not enough Daniel Craig. The movie was under two hours! It should’ve been four.
KATIE ANDOLINA: I couldn’t believe you got up to pee during the movie.
ERIN: It was an excruciating decision. I strongly considered just wetting myself.
MARK ANDOLINA: How much was our popcorn anyway? That thing was puny.
KATIE: Four seventy-five.
MARK: Four seventy-five? For three handfuls of popcorn?
ERIN: Why aren’t we still talking about Daniel Craig?
MARK: He’s dreamy.
ERIN: And those eyes! I bet they used special effects to make them that blue.
BEN: I think they used special effects on that lizard in the desert.
KATIE: Really? I thought it looked normal.
BEN: It would be a strange thing to use special effects on. But it sure looked fake to me.
MARK: I wouldn’t want to get an axe between the toes like the bad guy did.
KATIE: I would not want to be drowned alive in crude oil so that my lungs were filled with it.
ERIN: Even if it meant you could spend one night with Daniel Craig?
BEN: Did anyone else think the end of the movie bore an unnerving resemblance to the last ten minutes of Backdraft?
KATIE: What did everyone think of the song?
MARK: I thought it was a waste of three minutes.
ERIN: It was way better than Chris Cornell.
BEN: Or Madonna.
MARK: This doesn’t change the fact it was a waste of three minutes.
ERIN: I still don’t forgive Marc Forster for inflicting us with Monster’s Ball.
BEN: That’d be a terrible movie to see on a first date. Glad that never happened to me!
[Awkward silence. ERIN stares out window before changing subject.]
ERIN: Did you know that Daniel Craig started acting in school plays at the age of six, making his debut in the Frodsham Primary School production of “Oliver!” Here, read these interesting tidbits so you all can keep up with me.
[ERIN hands KATIE a page of IMDB trivia about Daniel Craig.]
KATIE: Did you know the first Bond movie Daniel Craig saw was Live and Let Die with Roger Moore?
BEN: Did you know the first Bond movie I saw was The Living Daylights with Timothy Dalton?
MARK: You can only go up from there.
ERIN: Did you know Daniel Craig was voted Esquire’s “Best Dressed Male” in 2006? Let’s stick to the sheet, people.
KATIE: Ahem. Did you know Daniel Craig is a good friend of supermodel Kate Moss?
[KATIE hands sheet to MARK. Everyone passes it around as they speak.]
MARK: Did you know Daniel Craig is a fan of the Liverpool Football Club?
BEN: This is stupid.
ERIN: Do it!
ERIN: Slower! So everyone can hear.
BEN [sighs]: Did you know Daniel Craig is more of a man than I’ll ever be?
[Offers sheet to ERIN, who refuses it and recites the rest from memory.]
ERIN: Did you know Daniel’s girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell made her first public appearance at the world premiere of Casino Royale? And that he is the first Bond actor to have been born after the series began? And that he is the shortest actor to play Bond, despite standing at a formidable five feet, eleven inches?
BEN: He’s probably just five nine, they like to exagg–
ERIN: HE IS FIVE ELEVEN.
BEN: [starts crying]
ERIN: He also quit smoking before Casino Royale and is a big fan of Robert Altman films and ranked 29th in The Guardian‘s 2008 list of the most powerful people in British culture and he was once incognito at a cinema here in the states and someone asked if he had ever been told that he looks like Daniel Craig.
KATIE: What he’d say?
ERIN: He said no and walked away.
MARK: Ben, do you need tissues or anything?
BEN: I want this car ride to be over.
ERIN: I want to see the movie again. Now.
KATIE: We could, um, walk the rest of the way.
MARK: Katie, we’re still in Loveland.
KATIE: No, really, I’m in the mood for a walk.
MARK: A six mile walk?
ERIN: I love getting together with you guys!