Scooter Thomas

Scooter Thomas Weighs In on the 2008 Election

Our cat, Scooter Thomas, guest blogs for us from time to time. Today is one of those times.

Being the staunch Libertarian that I am, I will be casting my vote tomorrow for none other than Bob Barr. Then, like my owners, I’ll settle in on the couch for an endless night of perspiring, prognosticating, and poll-watching, with heavy doses of sauvignon blanc to help the blathering of Chris Matthews go down smooth.

While I am loathe to join the ranks of talking head punditry, I am just as loathe to withhold my insights from an audience clamoring for substance in the midst of so much vapid political commentary. Allow me to toss just a few predictions out into the fray:

Bob Barr will win the presidency. The moment when the Ohio returns come in for Barr, marking the greatest upset in electoral history, will also be the singular, simultaneous moment when Keith Olbermann, Sean Hannity, Charlie Gibson, Chuck Todd, Katie Couric and Campbell Brown all have perfectly-synced heart attacks. It promises to be the most-Youtubed video of all time. To fully enjoy this moment, go out and buy yourself a television that has six-frame split-screen capability.

I will maul any campaign worker who gets within twenty feet of me at the polling station. Seriously, I will rip their face off. I’m just there to vote in peace. You step to me, I will claw the living daylights out of your internal organs.

My owners will get loaded regardless of the outcome. If the returns come in according to their tastes, the wine will flow freely. If the returns are not favorable, they will drown their sorrows. Either way, twenty bucks says the male passes out in his boxers on the porch.

On the local front, Ohio Issue 6 — which would pave the way for Ohio’s first casino — will fail, to every Ohioan’s eternal shame. What’s wrong with wanting to unwind after a long day by shooting some craps? Or partaking in a little baccarat? Or bringing down the house with one’s sweet card-counting skills at blackjack? Nothing. Nothing at all … unless you’re a puritanical, self-righteous, buttoned-down goody two-shoes who fails to appreciate how life-enhancing, how necessary a casino would be. Seriously, I’m tired of racking up miles driving to Argosy and back six times a week. And no, I am not an addict. I can stop anytime. But it’d be so much easier to stop if the casino was right here in our backyard. Then the sweet, illicit thrill of the gambler’s high would be so prosaic. Nothing would help lower crime and prevent gambling better than building more casinos. Sadly, I do not think my fellow Ohioans are far-sighted enough to appreciate the foolproof logic of my argument.

Finally, as a postscript to this election season, I must say how deeply saddened I am that no major party — not even Mr. Barr and the Libertarians — addressed what I consider to be the greatest menace to our national security over the next four years: the Infernal Red Pen Light. It has been my personal nemesis for years, yet what I truly fear is this unconscionable monster getting its hands on some loose nukes. Can you imagine? Furthermore, I have seen nothing from our military that appears remotely capable of dealing with this threat. It can disappear and reappear at any moment. It can scale walls. And even when I am certain I have pinned it down under my paws, it eludes my grasp yet again, off to wreak more havoc and destruction. Our next president’s top priority should be locking down this tyrant and obliterating it. One cat can only do so much. It’s time to bring in the entire military-industrial complex.

That is all. Now go, do your patriotic duty.

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