Some of our readership seems to have gotten the wrong idea about our little pumpkin-defacing friend, Beelzebub the Squirrel. Let’s clear some things up:
He is not cute and furry. He is evil incarnate. Nor is he divine retribution for the behavior of our cat toward a certain “sweet cherub” of a child. (We are not contesting that said child is not in fact a sweet cherub.)
Some further photographic evidence:
Beelzebub as a child. Like Phillies fans, he booed Santa Claus.
Beelzebub’s first mug shot. It started with birdseed but quickly escalated to crack cocaine.
As a wayward teen, Beelzebub engaged in suicidal free falls from great heights yet always landed feet first. He frequently aimed for small children.
It was only a matter of time until he discovered small firearms.
It was only a matter of time until he discovered large firearms.
It was only a matter of time until he became a Sith Lord.
He employed the Force lightning — fatally — on his only son.
Beelzebub served two tours in Nam. For the Viet Cong.
Disillusioned and suffering from PTSD, Beelzebub took to playing Extreme’s “More Than Words” outside subways for money. He squandered it all on meth.
He liked to ride without a helmet.
The evil truth behind every power outage you’ve ever had.
He liked to say that beer tasted better through a straw.
Beelzebub went 12 rounds with Lennox Lewis before trying to chew Lewis’s nose off. “He came at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows,” said Lewis.
Hoping to catch on with Emmet Otter’s Jug Band, Beelzebub took up the banjo. He could have been good if he hadn’t already sold his soul to the devil.
A clueless elderly person awaits having her face chewed off.
The cover of Beelzebub’s extremely unsuccessful hip-hop album, “Straight Pimpin’.” Rolling Stone said, “Music has been set back three centuries by this abomination of an album.”
Sent into a downward spiral from the critical backlash, Beelzebub finds solace in cannibalism.
If you see this creature at your door, do not let him in. He just wants to mug you and steal your purse. And praise the unholy Prince of Darkness.
We think the evidence is more than conclusive. Next Tuesday, vote NO on Beelzebub the Squirrel. He’s a menace to our society. Let’s banish him to the dustbin of history.