Memo to the Squirrel Who Defaced Our Pumpkin

Meet Beelzebub.


He ate the donkey out of our pumpkin this weekend. (Note the diabolical eyes, burning like the fires of hell.)

So if he’s reading this, we want him to hear us loud and clear:

You’re gonna die, clown.

More photographic proof of his nefariousness:


The gaping hole in our pumpkin is but a fraction of the gaping hole in our soul.


“My will is to do thy work, O Dark Lord.”


“I long to fill my gut with the pumpkin seeds of abomination.”


What child will want candy from a house with an aesthetically displeasing, ferociously nibbled Cyclops pumpkin?


9 thoughts on “Memo to the Squirrel Who Defaced Our Pumpkin

  1. We wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Beelzebub turned out to be a distant cousin of Patches, the evil squirrel of Mission, KS, who assaults innocent children. Oh to be rid of these infernal creatures!

  2. Far be it for me to tell you how to take care of your pumpkin but my wife recommends hair spray on the pumpkin. I recommend covering it in gasoline and lighting it when he is standing on it… then having some dinner.

  3. Hmmm. First of all — it wasn’t Patches, it was Nubs; so named because he had half a tail. Second, I find it interesting that you co-opted my son’s tale of woe, when the ENTIRE TIME I read this post, I kept thinking, “Yes, Lord. Justice. You have brought justice upon the Vores for the pain and anguish that Scooter Thomas caused the sweet cherub you sent to this earth in the form of my son David.” Check my post again. Don’t the glowing eyes look awfully similar to those of the squirrel? DON’T THEY? ANSWER ME!!!!!!!

  4. Maybe it was also the squirrel who left a bowl of pretzels and hummus sit in the sink underneath the faucet for two days, causing them to transform into bloated slugs of soggy, bread-like matter.

    I’m troubled by the ease with which Beelzebub seems to be entering and exiting our house.

  5. All I can say is that I experienced a similar event while living in Chicago…although I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t a snuggly little squirrel that was the culprit, but a DISGUSTING city rat! Maybe you should be thankful that it was only an evil squirrel that visited you!

  6. he must have family in st. louis. we were okay with our “nubs” eating our pumpkins, but when they started on baby max’s, all empathy was lost. i mean, come on…it’s his 1st pumpkin…and you’re just going to munch right through it? you filthy animal.

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