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Poll Results

Thanks to all who participated in the first Voreblog Readers Poll. (It was a nice round number of twenty, although some abstained from answering all of the questions. Apparently the Jeremy Piven question may have been too personal for some.) We invite ABC’s George Stephanopoulos to analyze the results with us.

 

The results are in. George breaks it down for us. On a black telephone.

 

Question #1. Who is your favorite member of Voreblog?

  1. Scooter Thomas (55%)
  2. Vincent D’Onofrio (20%)
  3. Erin Vore (15%)
  4. Ben Vore (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “Clearly, the people who read this blog do not do so because they particularly care for the Vores. I suspect they’re a rather disreputable pair with poor hygiene and negligent social skills. Scooter Thomas usually polls well no matter what. Voters like lethargic, chunky, disheveled-looking creatures who can be slightly condescending and have the ability to type. Hence Vincent D’Onofrio polling well too.”

2. Is Jeremy Piven a jerk or what?

  1. Absolutely (63%)
  2. Some of the time (21%)
  3. Stop slandering his good, BW3-shillin’ name (11%)
  4. No opinion (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “The results suggest that most of the Voreblog readership 1) hails from Cincinnati; 2) was once a Cincinnati Bell customer; 3) got food poisoning at BW3s; or 4) worked with Jeremy Piven during a commercial shoot. I couldn’t stand those interminable spots. Why does America passively accept such smug media personalities? I can’t fathom what the life of a slick, well-coiffed and conceited talking head is like. No idea. None.”

3. Harsh accusations have recently been leveled against Scooter Thomas. Do you:

  1. Find them to be scurrilous attacks impugning his character (40%)
  2. Agree with the substance of the charges and find Scooter Thomas to be a preening, snobbish toad (30%)
  3. Just wish the candidates would talk about the issues (30%)

Stephanopoulos: “Again, people love Scooter Thomas, although a significant number of respondents point toward a potential Scooter Thomas backlash should he become further embroiled in scandal. I’ve heard whispers of voter fraud, though, coming from some shadowy special interest groups loosely affiliated with Mindless Comfort. I’d also note the craving for a more serious, substantive campaign this year, not just tit-for-tat and lipstick-on-a-pig and who-can-drink-a-gallon-of-milk-in-an-hour.”

4. The best TV show that the Vores watch and blog about is:

  1. 30 Rock/Arrested Development (32%)
  2. The Wire (16%)
  3. Big Love (5%)
  4. None of these (15%)

Stephanopoulos: “A dead heat between 30 Rock and Arrested Development. This is really an unsatisfying outcome. I want a WINNER. A tie is just two first-place losers. Whoever set this poll up better not be in control of our national election. I’m so worked up about this I just mussed my hair a little.”

5. On November 4th I will cast my vote for:

  1. Barack Obama (58%)
  2. John McCain (22%)
  3. Joe the Plumber / Ted Nugent / A Jewish carpenter (5% apiece)

Stephanopoulos: “Obama fares better among the Voreblog demographic than in the nation at large, and I suspect that’s partly a result of third party candidates like Joe the Plumber, Ted Nugent and a Jewish carpenter really slicing away from McCain’s voting base more than Obama’s. If you replaced those three challengers with a human Voltron of Hillary Clinton, Rachel Maddow, Dennis Kucinich, Frank Rich and Jed Bartlet, then it’s a different ballgame.”

6. I find the Hold Steady’s music to be:

  1. Other/indifferent (34%)
  2. The most offensive, cacophonous dreck ever recorded (28%)
  3. Aesthetically pleasing and fist-pumpingly good (22%)
  4. Not as good as Jesse Malin (11%)
  5. “Who the hell knows?” (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “What you see here is general apathy toward the existence of The Hold Steady (typified by the write-in response), and strong dislike from those who bother to care. I’ll refrain from interjecting my own musical preferences into this discussion except to add that two people who answered this question and comprised the 11% endorsing Jesse Malin have impeccable taste. Jesse Malin is the MAN. I’d give up my ABC gig in a heartbeat to be one of his roadies. A heartbeat. You just have no idea how offensive Diane Sawyer’s breath is.”

7. Our parents think we should have had kids yesterday. What do you think?

  1. Don’t ever have kids unless you want to kiss a life of lesiure goodbye (36%)
  2. Have kids now (32%)
  3. Steal, like in Raising Arizona (32%)
  4. Adopt / Have kids in five years (0%)

Stephanopoulos: “The Voreblog demographic seems to be split pretty evenly between people who despise babies (let’s call this demographic “swingin’ singles”), people who do not despise babies (“parents”), and amoral types who seem to think it’s appropriate to steal someone else’s child (also known as “Coen brothers fans”). I would not recommend letting these three groups intermingle and would strongly advise against showing up at a Vore house party. I’d venture it’s not a pretty sight.”

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