HIGH GAS PRICES
Love ’em! Want more of ’em! Nothing is more satisfying than forking over huge chunks of our paychecks for the sweetest-smelling liquid drug of all. Why hasn’t Greater Cincinnati Water Works offered clients the choice of having gasoline, not water, funneled into our showers? What rapture that would be, bathing in those sweet fumes!
The only downside is that prices appear to be going down. Let’s start a campaign to get it back over four dollars. Better yet, seven! Why can’t we mount a serious challenge to the Germans here? Although higher gas prices might have the reverse impact of weakening our addiction to foreign oil. That’s bad! We’re evilly ambivalent here.
These guys get a bad rap. That elite and condescending Wikipedia states that trans fats are “neither essential nor salubrious.” Hey, news flash, Wikipedia: They taste great. So we’ll tell you where you can stick your salubriousness. It’s time we embraced our inner trans-fattiness. We’re starting by bathing in lard every day.
Aww, isn’t he cute?
LIVING BEYOND YOUR MEANS
What a pansy nation we are if we can’t embrace debt. All this talk of fiscal responsibility and living within your means is boring beyond belief. Think of your friends who keep balanced budgets. Fun? Of course not. Who wants to hang out with those tightwads? Now think of your friends who are financial bingers. Fun? Sure are! Reckless, high-wire models of fun instability! From here on out, we’re measuring all of our friendships by this simple standard, and we’re cutting the penny-pinchers out. (BTW, Why did Henry Paulson only suggest $700 billion? Why not $700,000 gazillion?)
VOLDEMORT AND MARLO STANFIELD
Two words: Tragically misunderstood. FYI, a Voldermort/Stanfield presidential ticket would be unstoppable.
The Bean Flickers
2-2-0 | Manager: sweeneam
THE BEAN FLICKERS, TOMORROW’S OPPONENT IN YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE
What an honor it would be to lose to this exemplary model of fantasy football greatness. He has nurtured an open, supportive dialogue on your league’s chat board. He has offered helpful suggestions on where you can place certain parts of your body into other parts of your body. He is the Vince Lombardi of fantasy football commissioners. Oh how gratifying it would be to lose to this man. Let us pray that Donovan McNabb, Adrian Peterson and Reggie Wayne all suffer season-ending injuries tomorrow so that The Bean Flickers can taste sweet victory!