marital tension, marriage, movies

Voreslang

An occasional series in which we share the lingo one might overhear around the Vore household. If you drop these phrases into regular conversation with us, we’ll smile and nod and exchange that appreciative look that says, “We’re not just friends, we’re blog friends!”

“Bubble Spa.” The preferred term to what is commonly known as farting in the bathtub. As in, “Oh, I thought you were in here taking a bath, but I see it’s actually a bubble spa.”

“Chinch Fries.” French fries, to the rest of the world. But to someone who grew up in the Beers household, the more accepted usage is “Chinch Fries.” Appetite for Chinch Fries increases exponentially after eleven p.m., especially if one is driving past a Wendy’s. Note: One never orders “Chinch Fries” over the drive-thru intercom; usage here reverts back to the more universally recognized “French fries.” Additional Note: There is much debate about whether it is acceptable to dip Chinch Fries in one’s Frosty. Some claim this practice represents an especially gauche upbringing in the cultural backwaters of rural Pennsylvania. Others rebut that argument by saying it just tastes good. Differences are usually resolved when both parties agree that they regret what they have just ingested at this late hour of the day and resolve to go on a run tomorrow.

“Dingee.” Pronounced like the rubber life raft (dinghy). The remote control. The following conversation takes place roughly every other night as we get into bed:

ERIN: Where’s the dingee?

BEN: I think it’s on your side.

ERIN: Did you even look on your side?

BEN: I don’t need to look on my side if I’m pretty sure it’s on your side. It was on your nightstand earlier.

ERIN: Well it’s not there now.

BEN: Is it on the floor by your purse?

ERIN: Have you even looked on your side yet?

BEN: It’s not on my side. I’m sure of it.

ERIN: I JUST WANT THE DINGEE.

BEN: The TV is five feet away! You could just lean over and turn it on!

ERIN: I NEED THE DINGEE.

BEN: Oh, it’s so far away! Five feet! I can’t possibly reach five feet!

ERIN: WHERE OH WHERE HAS THE DINGEE GONE??

BEN: Oh. Here it is in the covers.

ERIN: ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED.

BEN: I hate the @$%#*& dingee.

 

“FNS.” Pronounced in such a way that it sounds like “F & S,” or “Effin’ S!” Short for “Fresh New Sheets.” A FNS night is one when we’ve done laundry and changed our sheets. Typically expressed in a sort of luxurious sigh, as if slipping into a hot tub. Scientific fact: One always gets a great night’s sleep on an FNS night. (Chris Cooke is believed to have invented the term.)

“Kittens.” Alternate name for Scooter Thomas. Usage endows Scooter Thomas with especially un-cat-like abilities, as in, “Maybe Kittens will have dinner ready for us when we get home,” or “Kittens told me his favorite song of all time is ‘(Don’t Fear) The Reaper’ by Blue Oyster Cult.” Also connotes Scooter Thomas as a stand-in figure for one’s own point-of-view. Example: “Kittens told me he was outraged you haven’t massaged my feet tonight.” Alternate Example: “Really? Well Kittens told me he thinks you’re bastard people” (an obvious allusion to Kittens’s favorite movie, Waiting For Guffman).

“Starring in the movie of his/her own life.” A generous description of the terminally solipsistic individual. Phrase applies to several types of people you may encounter on a daily basis, including the excessively loud cell phone talker, the driver who feels obliged to occupy two lanes at once on the highway, or the woman at Starbucks who publicly reprimands you for perusing “her” New York Times Arts section even though she had left it on a table and taken it out of the already-read rack (it being there, of course, because someone else paid for it in the first place). The advanced starring-in-the-movie-of-his/her-life individual will capitalize on this moment and demonstrate his/her flair for the dramatic with theatrical looks of Can you believe this guy? to everyone else in the vicinity, as well as asides such as, “Thought he could finish my crossword, huh!” Few, however, are starring in the movie of their life more consistently than Jennifer Lopez, who trains and participates in three sports, rather than some guy named Michael Phelps, who merely participates in one. Note: You are living in these people’s world, not vice versa. Additional Note: Kittens is always starring in the movie of his own life.

“Where’s that red one gonna go?” Literally, “Why are you currently demonstrating the competence of a seven-year-old?” Usage veers away from the acerbic toward the more gently condescending. From The Royal Tenenbaums, when Raleigh St. Clair (Bill Murray) conducts tests on the supposed prodigy Dudley Heinsbergen. Raleigh gives Dudley a test to arrange his wood blocks in the same pattern as Raleigh’s and times him. One of the blocks is red, and as Dudley works Raleigh idly questions him with the phrase above. (Raleigh later concludes Dudley is colorblind, an assessment Dudley hears from two rooms away because he also has a “highly acute sense of hearing.”) Despite his best efforts, Dudley’s blocks look nothing like Raleigh’s. (“How interesting. How bizarre!” Raleigh says in bemused amazement.)

     Usage of this question in the Vore household typically occurs when one party is unable to perform the most elementary of tasks — say, locating the right key to unlock a door — while the other party is standing and waiting and probably holding several bags of groceries. Usage increases in the car when the passenger feels as though the driver is pulling a boner in traffic.

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