When no less an authority than The New York Times uses its editorial space to promote healthy colons, you know it’s something you should have on your radar. And when no less an authority than Voreblog test drives two different colon cleanse treatments from Trader Joe’s, you can rest assured that the results will be educational and potentially life-changing. Below are our findings, published with the pseudonyms Patient A and Patient B.
A CASE STUDY IN THE RELATIVE MERITS OF TWO COLON CLEANSES, AS RESEARCHED AND TESTED BY VOREBLOG
Study Participants: Both members of Voreblog, hereby named “Patient A” and “Patient B”
Colon Cleanses Tested: Super Colon Cleanse (4 pills/3x a day), used by Patient A; Trader Joe’s Total Body Cleanse (3 sets of pills/3x a day), used by Patient B. Both patients cleansed for a two week period.
Patient A’s colon cleanse is the one featured in this ten second video.
It’s what keeps you regular, silly.
Initial Reactions to the Packaging: “I like how sleek mine looks. It’s kind of gross that yours has a drawing of an intestine right on the front” (Patient B); “Is it safe to take a product that has Buckthorn and Senna? And what is Psyllium Husk Powder and why should I be putting it into my body?” (Patient A)
Origin of Study: Patient A and Patient B came home from church a couple Sundays ago and ate lunch in front of the TV. It was there they stumbled upon an infomercial touting the efficacy of a particular colon cleansing product, praised by numerous people in enthusiastic testimonials and two guys dressed up like doctors although neither had the title “Dr.” in front of their name or “M.D.” behind it. While certain phrases like “excessive impacted fecal matter” were a bit off-putting, Patient A and Patient B were riveted. They immediately drove to Trader Joe’s and bought the two colon cleanses noted above.
Background: Patient B has been told by a doctor to schedule a colonoscopy this fall. Patient A often lies awake at night wondering if his/her colon is normal, and how he/she would know if it wasn’t, and when it was that the word colonoscopy went from something he/she associated with grandparents to something he/she was perfectly comfortable discussing with the total stranger ringing Voreblog up at Trader Joe’s.
Did You Know? A healthy colon is essential to good health. Everything we eat ends up in our bowels as toxins. As these toxins build up, we end up with various diseases, such as being overweight, constipation, and candida. We don’t know what candida is, but it is a member of the fungi kingdom and looks like this.
Pills ingested: 172 (Patient A), 162 (Patient B)
Number of times gag reflex kicked in: “Every day” (Patient A); “My pills could probably kill a horse” (Patient B)
Number of bowel movements: 41 (Patient A), “I lost track” (Patient B)
Weight lost: 1/2 lb. (Patient A), 1 lb. (Patient B)
Description of gas during test period: “foul and never-ending” (Patient A), “like hot death” (Patient B)
Number of times test subject wanted to quit: “just about every hour” (Patient A); “two or three times” (Patient B)
Verdict: “I would do this again if forced to at gunpoint, but I’d have to be 100% certain the gun was loaded” (Patient A); “As much fun as going on the Scrambler at Kings Island after eating five slices of pizza” (Patient B); “I really thought I’d feel emptier inside” (Patient A); “Well I think I understand the concept of a black hole now” (Patient B); “I honestly have no idea what that means” (Patient A); “There are some really disgusting websites about people doing colon cleanses” (Patient B); “You mean like ours?” (Patient A); “But we didn’t include pictures” (Patient B); “So would we recommend this to our readership? Wasn’t that the point of doing this?” (Patient A); “There was a point to doing this?” (Patient B); “Weren’t we going to educate people about healthy colons and preventative steps to take and rate these products and stuff?” (Patient A); “I thought we were doing it just to link to Phil Hartman’s Super Colon Blow commercial” (Patient B); “I think this will probably be our most unpopular post of all time” (Patient A); “Not if we end with Phil Hartman” (Patient B); “But I can’t figure out how to post videos from Hulu yet” (Patient A); “Then we have failed” (Patient B).