sports

Erin’s Week Two NFL Picks

Cincinnati Bengals vs. Tennessee Titans.  This one’s personal for me, as Cincinnati and Nashville are the two most recent cities I have resided in.  Both are decent cities: Nashville has a bomb-diggity music scene, local flair, and the best choice in coffee shops to suit your mood; Cincinnati has closer proximity to family, friends with whom I grew up, Skyline Chili, Graeters Ice Cream and LaRosa’s Pizza.  Have I written a post about how much I love food?  No?  Well, the answer is WAY MORE THAN I LOVE FOOTBALL.  Therefore, I think I’ll flip a coin to determine who I want to win in the sporting match.  What?  It landed on its side!  That’s never flippin’ happened before!  Guess that means we should all skip the game and take a group nap instead.  Final score: 0-0. Crowd dies of boredom.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts.  In a match between hulking sea-farers of yore and a breed of horse, sea-farers win every time.  I don’t know how a viking could lose.  Unless the horse threw a pike with his wee-hoofed shoes through the armor of whatever enemy he’s fighting, it’s just not gonna happen for the colts.  Also, one of my favorite old SNL commercials depicted a viking named Big Red.  He was invincible.  He sneezed out tiny bits of colt-meat through his gaping nostrils.  Final score: Vikings, 31-10.

New York Jets vs. New England Patriots.  Fact: Tom Brady is out for the season.  Fact: Brett Favre now plays for the Jets.  Fiction: The Vores are best-selling authors.  Fact: Ben has a man-crush on both Tom and Brett.  Fiction: He once called Brett for marital advice.  Fiction: Brett told him to bring home flowers for Erin every night.  Fact: Ben and Erin are going on a double-date with Tom and Giselle this evening.  Fact: I just lied about the previous Fact.  Fact: I’d rather do another colon cleanse than watch football.  Fiction: Colon cleanses are fun.  Final score: Jets 20, Patriots 13, Colon cleanses 0.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns.  Question: What’s boring and sweaty and sucks up four hours of your life?  Answer: The Steelers/Browns game.  Ben loathes the Steelers with a passion.  He thinks they’re arrogant, smelly and ill-spoken.  And don’t get him started on Steelers’ fans!  When Pittsburgh plays on television, Ben cooks up a hoagie with french fries and slaw, throws it at the screen, then yells, “In your face ‘n ‘at!”  I hope Pittsburgh wins.  Final score: Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 13, Hoagies with french fries and slaw minus 10.

Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys.  I hear the worst country singer in the world will continue to attend the Cowboys games in support of her manpanion.  This is a good idea for several reasons.  First, the more time Simpson spends watching Romo play ball means less time innocent bystanders spend listening to that musty claptrap she calls a voice.  Second, writing about the whole does-she/doesn’t-she-distract-him-from-quarterbacking (is that a verb?) is way more interesting than writing about the actual game. But look for the Cowboys O-line to hold off Philly’s aggressive blitz schemes and give Romo the time he needs to find Owens, Witten or Crayton, who’ll benefit from single coverage.  Final score: Romo/Simpson 3, Humanity 2.

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3 thoughts on “Erin’s Week Two NFL Picks

  1. I’m not sure when Benjamin swooped in her and added his two bits, but I’m pretty confident it was only with football facts and not with winning jokes. She’s funnier than you, Male Vore, deal with it.

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