Cincinnati Bengals vs. Tennessee Titans. This one’s personal for me, as Cincinnati and Nashville are the two most recent cities I have resided in. Both are decent cities: Nashville has a bomb-diggity music scene, local flair, and the best choice in coffee shops to suit your mood; Cincinnati has closer proximity to family, friends with whom I grew up, Skyline Chili, Graeters Ice Cream and LaRosa’s Pizza. Have I written a post about how much I love food? No? Well, the answer is WAY MORE THAN I LOVE FOOTBALL. Therefore, I think I’ll flip a coin to determine who I want to win in the sporting match. What? It landed on its side! That’s never flippin’ happened before! Guess that means we should all skip the game and take a group nap instead. Final score: 0-0. Crowd dies of boredom.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Indianapolis Colts. In a match between hulking sea-farers of yore and a breed of horse, sea-farers win every time. I don’t know how a viking could lose. Unless the horse threw a pike with his wee-hoofed shoes through the armor of whatever enemy he’s fighting, it’s just not gonna happen for the colts. Also, one of my favorite old SNL commercials depicted a viking named Big Red. He was invincible. He sneezed out tiny bits of colt-meat through his gaping nostrils. Final score: Vikings, 31-10.
New York Jets vs. New England Patriots. Fact: Tom Brady is out for the season. Fact: Brett Favre now plays for the Jets. Fiction: The Vores are best-selling authors. Fact: Ben has a man-crush on both Tom and Brett. Fiction: He once called Brett for marital advice. Fiction: Brett told him to bring home flowers for Erin every night. Fact: Ben and Erin are going on a double-date with Tom and Giselle this evening. Fact: I just lied about the previous Fact. Fact: I’d rather do another colon cleanse than watch football. Fiction: Colon cleanses are fun. Final score: Jets 20, Patriots 13, Colon cleanses 0.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Cleveland Browns. Question: What’s boring and sweaty and sucks up four hours of your life? Answer: The Steelers/Browns game. Ben loathes the Steelers with a passion. He thinks they’re arrogant, smelly and ill-spoken. And don’t get him started on Steelers’ fans! When Pittsburgh plays on television, Ben cooks up a hoagie with french fries and slaw, throws it at the screen, then yells, “In your face ‘n ‘at!” I hope Pittsburgh wins. Final score: Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 13, Hoagies with french fries and slaw minus 10.
Philadelphia Eagles vs. Dallas Cowboys. I hear the worst country singer in the world will continue to attend the Cowboys games in support of her manpanion. This is a good idea for several reasons. First, the more time Simpson spends watching Romo play ball means less time innocent bystanders spend listening to that musty claptrap she calls a voice. Second, writing about the whole does-she/doesn’t-she-distract-him-from-quarterbacking (is that a verb?) is way more interesting than writing about the actual game. But look for the Cowboys O-line to hold off Philly’s aggressive blitz schemes and give Romo the time he needs to find Owens, Witten or Crayton, who’ll benefit from single coverage. Final score: Romo/Simpson 3, Humanity 2.