sports

Our Two Cents

Dear Vores,

Thank you, Erin, for your razor-sharp analysis of the midseason trades in Major League Baseball. Have you spoken with Ken Griffey Jr. since the trade? Could your lack of enthusiasm regarding it be part of the reason he is sucking it up right now?

A Concerned White Sox Fan

Dear Concerned,

Maybe the reason Griff is sucking it up has more to do with the fact he has no extra-base hits in August than the fact I could care less? And yes, he has called. I told him to relax and just go to his happy place. I also said it wouldn’t hurt to hit more home runs. Look for him to turn things around soon.

Erin

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Dear Vores,

Does Scooter Thomas really throw up that much? If so, shouldn’t he maybe be in a better home or something?

Hilda Tuffer

Dear Hilda,

We are not exaggerating Scooter’s propensity to barf. His previous owner warned us about his digestive difficulties and encouraged us to lock him in the bathroom during his vomiting outbreaks. If his food dish gets low, he panics because he seems to think it might never be refilled again. When it is refilled he then gorges himself, apparently still thinking it might never be refilled again after that. Hence the vicious downward spiral of binging and purging. The only success we’ve had is in keeping his dish as full as possible at all hours of the day — contributing, we suspect, to his ample girth. He also barfs when he gets nervous: during a break-in, say, or when the doorbell rings, or just when the thought crosses his mind that his food dish might not be completely full. Current economic woes and rising gas costs also seem to be weighing on him as he contemplates the possibility that IAMS Weight Control Indoor Cat Food might go up in price and outside of his owners’ budget.

regards, The Vores

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Dear Vores,

I am an 18-year-old male, and every day I face judgment, cruel remarks, disapproving stares and other harassment. The reason? I want to be a tattoo and piercing artist. I currently have a tattoo which covers my chest and back as well as more than 20 piercings. I also have a tattoo of Darkwing Duck on my forehead. At school I am judged and stereotyped at the beginning of each year and would go out of my way to prove I am a nice, respectable human being with feelings. Can you help?

Future Skin Artist, Port Huron, MI

Dear Skin Artist,

A “nice, respectable human being with feelings”? Good one! We know your type. You probably have a prison map inked on to your body and you’re planning to use it to get out of jail after you rob a bank. If you’re used to cruel remarks, try this one: We heard when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. Yes! (Vores high-five each other)

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Dear Vores,

Seriously, that’s the best you can come up with? My mom knows better insults.

Skin Artist Again

Dear Skin Artist Again,

Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow she spits butter.

regards, The Vores

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Dear Vores,

But I’m using teeth whitener strips! Can’t you tell a difference?

Future Skin Artist’s Mom

Dear Future Skin Artist’s Mom,

Your teeth really do look much whiter. Keep up the good work. Now it’s time to work on full body hygiene though. Because you’re so greasy you use bacon as a band-aid.

warm regards, The Vores

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Dear Vores,

I saw last night on Access Hollywood that Chris Kattan and his wife are separating after just eight weeks of marriage. What went wrong? And is his wife’s name really Sunshine Tutt?

Corky’s Biggest Fan

Dear Corky,

Chris and Sunshine were in town last weekend and told us it had been a rocky eight weeks. They asked us for advice and we told them about the patented oven-mitt-conflict-resolution method, wherein the two parties take turns speaking and can only do so when one has the oven mitt. Sunshine seemed willing to try, but soon Chris was perched on the sofa Mr. Peepers-style with the oven mitt in his mouth. It was sad really.

The Vores

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Dear Vores,

Seriously, who does Hubie Brown’s hair? And why does it sometimes appear green on the sides? Also, why does it always seem like he’s looking just to the side of the camera? Like here. It really freaks me out.

Scott Guldin

Dear Scott,

Excellent questions. If I’m Hubie Brown, chances are I’m color-blind, hence I cannot see which camera has a red light on, indicating it is the “hot” camera I should be looking at. To compensate for this, I pick a spot somewhere in the middle of all the cameras and hope no one notices. This would also explain the green tinges in my hair. But that’s if I’m Hubie Brown. Now if I’m, say, Gregg Popovich, I tell my team to get the ball in Tim Duncan’s hands and let him win the game for us. The real question is, What if you’re Vinny Del Negro? What do you do then?

best, Ben

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Dear Vores,

We hear you make pesto using the basil leaves from your garden. Do you prefer extra virgin olive oil or just regular in your recipe? Also, I want to murder my cubicle mate for listening nonstop to Warm 98. If I hear Bonnie Raitt’s “Something to Talk About” one more time I am going to snap.

Harry in Cincinnati

Dear Harry,

Arsenic is a white, tasteless, odorless powder with much historical success to recommend its effectiveness. It was especially favored among the ruling classes in Italy, notably the Borgias, in Renaissance times. Just a touch in his coffee when he goes on bathroom breaks should do the trick. If this fails, we’ve found that most shivs fit very comfortably in any standard size briefcase.

all best, The Vores

 

If you have a question for the Vores, please send it our way.

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2 thoughts on “Our Two Cents

  1. Dear Vores,

    Are we influenced – perhaps unduly – by the media that permeate our lives? How much are we a product of the films, books, shows, and yes, even websites, that we consume? And should the purveyors of that culture be held to some kind of moral standard for what they produce for us?
    Let me illustrate with a real-life example.
    After work today I went for a run in upscale Hyde Park with two companions. As we clipped down Edwards rd. at a brisk pace, we passed the swanky, upscale sushi resturant Beluga. As we approached, my running companion – let’s call him Latthew Meathers – raised his head and intoned loudly:
    “I want some bah-looooooooo-ga-ah bay-bies.”
    Now the thought of this young man seeking a carnal union with a whale which was nowhere to be seen, seemed to unsettle the good Hyde Parkies.
    As we passed the outdoor dining patio at the Vineyard Cafe, a middle-aged woman yelled ‘savage!’, and lobbed a slice of baguette with brie at us, which hit me square in the head.

    Harassed in Hyde Park

  2. Dear Harassed,
    We advise you to cease any social contact with this “Latthew Meathers.” Nor do we feel responsible for his actions. We should not be held accountable for the unruly behavior of a few bad apples. You don’t see us throwing shards of broken glass at girls or hanging pictures of Kathy Ireland all over our bedroom walls just because we read it in someone’s blog. (Well, one of tried hanging pictures, but the other insisted they come down.)

    Most importantly, did you salvage the baguette and brie? It’s important on long runs, especially at a brisk pace, to get those extra calories. And it helps curb your post-run snacking.

    best,
    the Vores

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