[Screen is dark. Voiceover is read in deep, menacing voice.]
Voiceover: BEN VORE. HE COULDN’T PROTECT HIS OWN HOME FROM BURGLARS.
[Image: Two people in ski masks smash a window with a clawhammer. Cut to image of them leaving with a Macbook, iPod and digital camera. One figure takes a picture of the other holding the electronics in one hand and giving a thumbs up with the other.]
Voiceover: SO HOW WILL HE PROTECT OUR COUNTRY … FROM TERRORISTS?
[Picture of Osama Bin Laden. He is listening to an iPod. Text at bottom of screen says, BIN LADEN = HOLD STEADY FAN?]
Voiceover: BEN VORE. HE USES A WUSSY, EUROPEAN-LOOKING PUSH MOWER THAT DOESN’T EVEN RUN ON GAS.
[Image: Ben, sweating profusely, leans into his push mower and runs over a pine cone. He backtracks, kicks it out of the blades, and proceeds two more feet before he runs over another one. He curses.]
Voiceover: WHAT, IS HE TOO GOOD TO USE GASOLINE LIKE THE REST OF US? DOESN’T SEEM … AMERICAN, DOES IT?
[Clip from Zoolander when male models douse one another in gasoline.]
Voiceover: BEN VORE. IF THE PHONE RINGS AT THREE A.M. …
[Image of the Vores in bed with nightstand clock set to three o’clock. Phone rings. And rings. And rings.]
Voiceover … HE WON’T EVEN HEAR IT.
[Ben snores violently, knocking over mammoth pile of dirty clothes stacked beside his bed.]
Voiceover: BEN VORE. WEAK ON NATIONAL SECURITY. POSSIBLY EUROPEAN. KINDA SMELLS. AND WRONG FOR AMERICA.
[Cue Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” Ben, wearing eye patch and leaning on his peg leg, makes Abraham Lincoln look-a-like walk the plank of a pirate ship. Lincoln falls into water and is devoured by hungry sharks. Blood bubbles to the blue surface of choppy waves. Producer’s note: This will need to be heavily Photoshopped. And make the sharks have lasers.]
[Screen is dark. Voiceover in deep, menacing voice.]
Voiceover: ERIN VORE WANTS YOU TO THINK SHE’S A WOMAN OF THE PEOPLE.
[Soft, tinkly piano music. Image: Erin’s yearbook photo. Text at bottom of screen: HIGH SCHOOL CLASS PRESIDENT. MAKES COOKIES FOR THE NEIGHBORS.
Voiceover: BUT WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE DOES SHE HANG OUT WITH?
[Music abruptly switches to piercing minor key. Screams in background.]
Voiceover: ERIN VORE. ONCE ENGAGED TO WILLIE HORTON. DISTANT COUSIN OF BARRY GOLDWATER. MEMBER OF JOHN KERRY’S SWIFT BOAT. CLAIMS SHE INVENTED THE INTERNET. FORMER MEMBER OF TRINITY UCC. BUYS MAGAZINES WITH CELEBRITIES ON THE COVER. CAN’T SPELL.
[Image: Erin, sitting inside a Swift Boat between Willie Horton, John Kerry, Jeremiah Wright, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Dan Quayle, wears a t-shirt that says “I invented the Internet!” while a mushroom cloud explodes behind her. Producer’s note: We’re really gonna need some Photoshop magic on this one!]
[Screen is dark. Voiceover is read by cheerful feminine voice.]
Voiceover: The Vores want to be our First Couple. But just what kind of neighbors would they be? We asked their actual neighbors in Deer Park.
[Neighbor #1 is an elderly woman wearing a U.S. Flag sweater.]
NEIGHBOR #1: They don’t take very good care of their flowers. Look at the ones hanging on the porch there. Those begonias look pretty dead and ratty to me. How can they guard the wellspring of America if they can’t water their own plants?
[Neighbor #2 is a young, clean cut father. He stands beside his wife. Their three children are sitting down in front of them. He is wearing 17 flag pins.]
NEIGHBOR #2: Sure, they have an American flag hanging on their porch, but I notice it gets blown around and then caught up in the gutter a lot. And what does that say? Do the Vores think America is in the gutter? I mean, if they can’t follow protocol for the proper care of our flag, what’s stopping them from just feeding the Constitution into a paper shredder?
[The youngest child begins to cry. The mother consoles him.]
[Neighbor #3 is Ross Perot.]
ROSS PEROT: I don’t actually live on this street, but nobody talks about me anymore and I kinda feel left out of the action. Do the Vores need a running mate? I make great pie charts.
[All of the neighbors and Ross Perot are huddled together on a front lawn.]
EVERYONE [in unison]: Hey, Vores. Go back to Russia, you commies!