sports

Erin Vore Assesses the Big MLB Midseason Trades

Erin, who attended her first baseball game at age twenty-something, offers her thoughts on this week’s deadline deals in Major League Baseball.  Special bonus:  Anagrams of players names peppered throughout the post.

Ken Griffey Jr. to the White Sox.  Cincinnati to Chicago?  Big deal.  Big whoop.  Whoopdy frickin’ do.  Frickin’ frick frig.  Who cares?  Lame-o.  Blamo.  Wamo.  Oboe.  Bonobo.  Monkey-brains.  Gorilla-breath.  Barf-breath.  I’ve heard about this for so long it makes me sick.  I’m bored.  I’m boring myself just thinking about it. 

Anagrams for Ken Griffey Jr. include:  Feign Jerk Fry, Fen Jerky Frig, Fern Jerky Fig.

Manny Ramirez to the Dodgers.  I knew a Manny once.  He had six toes and a mole the size of my eyeball on his left cheek.  He also puked all over my Rainbow Brite Trapper Keeper.  Damn you Manny!  I don’t know who Manny Ramirez is, but I can tell you right now, I don’t like him.  And I don’t know who these so-called “Dodgers” are either, but what are they dodging and why?  Oh right, Los Angeles.  Must be dodging bullets and silicone. 

Anagrams for Manny Ramirez include:  Maze Marry Inn, Arm Zany Miner, Raze Mar Inn My.

Jason Bay to the Red Sox.  Well this move makes sense for everyone, no?

Anagrams for Jason Bay include:  Banjos Ya, A Jab Nosy, A Jay Snob & Nay As Job.

Eighteen thousand minor league prospects to the Pirates.  Same story, different year. The Buccos unload anybody who is remotely good to acquire promising young prospects who turn out not great but good enough so that in five years they’ll be used as midseason trade bait for — wait for it — more promising young prospects. It has been fifteen straight losing seasons since Sid Bream drove a dagger into the hearts of Pirates fans everywhere. FIFTEEN. And we’ve just sealed the deal on number sixteen. Criminy, how long must we wait? We’re not even asking for the playoffs, just eighty-one wins. That’s it! That’s not asking much! Please! We’re desperate! (Ben will now hand the computer back to Erin.)

Pudge Ramirez to the Yankees.  Ole Pudge-butt’s making the move from stinktown to downtown.  Goodbye MI, hello NY!  I’m happy about this firstly because I’ve been to Detroit* once in my life and decided never to visit again.  I was seven, and my sister’s soccer team had a tournament in Detroit, so the fam packed up the red station-wagon and puttered our way up north.  The only thing I remember about Detroit is that it smelled like fish marinated in toilet water.  New York on the other hand has given me three great memories:  twice at camps in high school and once in the Big Apple, the Mighty Red Delicious, the Braeburn of my eye.  Secondly, the name Pudge is cool.  Think of all the really cool people in this world: Paul Newman, Johnny Cash, Isabella Rossellini, Jeff Tweedy. Now insert the name Pudge for the first names.  Still cool?  Let’s see.  Pudge Newman?  Yup!  Pudge Cash?  You betcha.  Pudge Rossellini?  Holy coyote- that’s hot!  Pudge Tweedy?  Get me his album, STAT!  Even cooler would be Judge Reinhold.  Judge Pudge.  In the words of Michael Ian Black, this is so mind-blowing that it’s blowing my mind all over my face. 

Anagrams for Pudge Ramierz are easily the coolest of any traded player, therefore I will list ten: Grazed Umpire, Gazed Impurer, Daze Grumpier, Graze Dumpier, Agreed Zip Rum, Remade Rug Zip, Reader Gum Zip, Aged Prize Rum, Regard Emu Zip, Maze Prude Rig.

 

*Erin & Ben do recommend the Detroit airport for layovers.  It’s easy to get around, isn’t so noisy, and has a sushi place that, after eating there, has not made Erin & Ben sick.

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6 thoughts on “Erin Vore Assesses the Big MLB Midseason Trades

  1. Ben why did you not want to take credit for the wealth of baseball knowledge that your wife possesses? I’d have included my name in the title too….:)Erin, this was hilarious. Humor just pours out of you…keep writing.

  2. I’m sorry, but your best anagrams are null and void. It’s Pudge Rodriguez, not Ramirez. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  3. As someone who attended his first MLB game when he was in his thirties (ok, well into his thirties) my sympathies are with Erin Voreblog on this one. But why even make up funny names, when Coco Crisp and Milton Bradley are provided free of charge by MLB?

    *Assistance was provided in the writing of this comment by Amy E Price, who attended her first MLB game in the womb, and frequently thereafter.

  4. OK Pudge Leathers. So this is how you want to play it? I’m gonna clue you in on a little secret: I don’t give a mouse’s teat about baseball. In fact, I’d like to eat the entire sport with a plastic spork and then spit it out in my stool.

    However, I suppose I should do Mr. Rodriguez some justice. Therefore, the anagrams: Grudged Euro Zip, Dodge Prize Guru, Druid Geez Group, Druggie Zed Pour & Did Urge Zero Pug.

    Hey! That was still pretty funny. You should call me out more often.

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