Christian Bale, friends, movies

The Dark Knight

A running dialogue with Mark and Katie Andolina during the car ride home from The Dark Knight:

KATIE ANDOLINA: My only complaint is not enough Christian Bale.

ERIN: I agree. Did you all know that Christian Bale does a different accent for every movie he appears in?

BEN: He bothered to make up an accent for Reign of Fire?

KATIE: I’m not sure where I’d fit this one in the Christian Bale Pantheon though.

MARK ANDOLINA: Did you like this or Iron Man more?

KATIE: Hmmm. Tough call. But I think I’d go this one.

MARK: I might actually go with Iron Man, although this was great too.

BEN: What did Medved say about Dark Knight?

MARK: I’m a week behind. I might go straight to Friday’s show to hear it. I’m sure he loved it.

BEN: My only complaint is that I knew it was Chicago. Gotham’s supposed to be mysterious, not the corn cob towers in broad daylight.

KATIE: Or traffic jams on Wacker. That’s where we got our car towed, remember?

MARK: How could I forget.

ERIN: Were you all aware that Christian Bale was handpicked by Winona Ryder to play Laurie in Little Women?

KATIE: Did you know that he’s a devoted animal lover, has two dogs, and adopted three cats which were all strays he found?

BEN: Were you all aware that Mark could totally take Christian Bale any day of the week?

MARK: I could, and I have.

KATIE: That’s why I married you, Marko.

ERIN: How would you not want to die in that movie?

MARK: I don’t think I’d especially like a pencil to the skull.

BEN: I wouldn’t be a fan of having a bomb sewn into my stomach.

ERIN: I might have damaged my liver by waiting until after the movie to pee. I just didn’t want to miss anything.

MARK: Yglesias had a good line about how this was not a PG-13 film. It was something like, “If Christian Bale stubbed his toe and said the f-word a couple times, then it would’ve been an ‘R’ movie. But lots of violence and mature themes, PG-13.”

KATIE: Christian Bale never says the F-word.

ERIN: The girls in the bathroom afterwards said they wanted resolution with the Joker. Was he just left there hanging?

BEN: I guess so. I thought they were going to set Two-Face up for the next movie, but I guess that’s not happening.

KATIE: Andy Sweeney was right about it being dark. He said he came home and wanted to watch Mr. Bean to cheer up.

MARK: I think we should hug Piper when we get home.

ERIN: Speaking of Mr. Bean, were you aware that Christian Bale made his professional debut opposite Rowan Atkinson on the London West End stage?

BEN: Were you aware my jawline and his jawline fought in high school and mine totally kicked its ass?

MARK: Were you aware Christian Bale trained for ten weeks in dancing and martial arts for the dance sequences in Newsies and Swing Kids?

KATIE: Honey, how did you know that?

MARK: I listen when you tell me things. And I didn’t want to feel left out.

BEN: Were you aware Christian Bale wasted two hours of my life with Equilibrium?

ERIN: What do you guys have planned for the week?

MARK: Well, I could get the week off if someone gets motivated to have a baby.

KATIE: I’m working on it.

BEN: What’s the first date someone picked on your delivery date prediction calendar?

MARK: Yesterday. I picked today, so I lost.

ERIN: If someone picked a date in November, would you still be friends with them?

KATIE: No.

BEN: Erin and I like to play a little game after we see a movie in the theaters called, What Was Your Favorite Trailer?

KATIE and ERIN (in robotic unison): Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale.

MARK: The Watchmen looked pretty interesting.

BEN: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a trailer for a movie that’s not releasing for two years.

KATIE and ERIN: Were you aware that Christian Bale has been in two versions of the John Smith/Pocahontas story? He provides the voice of Thomas in Pocahontas and plays John Rolfe in The New World.

BEN: Were you aware that the IMDB page for Christian Bale is burned into our monitor?

MARK: We have the same problem!

KATIE: Were you aware Christian Bale dropped an amazing 63 pounds for his role as the emaciated insomniac Trevor Reznik in The Machinist with only a single vitamin consultation with a nutritionist to guide him? For the most part, he only ate salads and apples, chewed gum, smoked cigarettes and drank nonfat lattes.

BEN: Were you aware that’s the only Christian Bale movie my wife won’t see?

ERIN: Were you aware that Andy Sweeney does a great Patrick Bateman impersonation? You should ask him to show you.

MARK: Christian Bale’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

KATIE: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.

ERIN: I saw Christian Bale scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.

BEN: He once punched a hole in a cow to see who was coming up the road.

MARK: His poop is considered a currency in Argentina.

KATIE: He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies.

ERIN: If you drop a phonograph needle on Christian Bale’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds.

BEN: One time I was with Christian in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. He goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Christian Bale! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘Christianbale’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

MARK: Christian Bale had a four day heart attack…a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.

KATIE: They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach.

ERIN: He once inhaled a seagull.

BEN: The Pope told him it was okay to have a mistress.

MARK: He has dandruff the size of mice.

KATIE: I read he was ranked 18th in the preseason NCAA Football polls.

ERIN: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

BEN: He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.

EVERYONE: To Christian Bale!

(Everyone raises an imaginary stein of beer. Long silence.)

MARK: How long have we been parked here in our driveway?

KATIE: According to my watch, two hours.

ERIN: I need to pee again.

BEN: That’s our cue.

 

(With apologies to the writers of every Bill Brasky sketch ever.)

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4 thoughts on “The Dark Knight

  1. That was pretty much amazing…even the put-downs still make me picture him and his amazing face. Oh, and I thought I should share that I was watching Newsies yesterday!! It’s on our DVR!

  2. OK, I was thinking of Jason Bateman, who famously played announce Pepper Brooks in Dodgeball, instead of Patrick Bateman, who famously flexed and pointed into a mirror while doing it with a hooker in American Psycho. I definitely do a mean Patrick Bateman impression.

  3. We thought you were just playing coy with your first comment- glad to see you figured it out. You are the only one who can do that impression and consistently get laughs. What if Jason Bateman had been cast as Patrick Bateman, and his sister Justine Bateman as the prostitute?

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