marriage, Scooter Thomas

Division of Labor Within the Vore Household

Some married couples have separate bank accounts. The Vores have separate laundry baskets.

There was a time, in that honeymoon phase of marriage in the fall of 2004, when Ben was still allowed to do Erin’s laundry at the Squeeky Clean in Sylvan Park. Until he put a sweater and two shirts into the dryer that did not belong there. (Not on purpose. Honestly.)

Since then, we have kept our dirty clothes separate and achieved laundry harmony by leaving each to his and her own. Of course, the point of marriage is two people acting as one unit, so while we have tried to share certain chores and household responsibilities, with others we have found it helpful to keep them separate.

In this spirit, we offer to you a Division of Labor within the Vore household as a guide to perhaps even enhance your own marriage and/or relationship. We’re not experts, we just look like ones!

SPIDERS

Erin: Put cup over them so they can’t run away or attack until Ben comes home.

Ben: Remove cup and kill.

TRASH & RECYCLABLES

Erin: Remind Ben to carry to curb on Wednesday night.

Ben: Carry to curb on Wednesday night.

WHEN RECYCLABLES AREN’T PICKED UP FOR SIXTH WEEK IN A ROW

Erin: Calmly call and request a personal pick-up for the sixth time.

Ben: Helpfully remark, “Are they blind? It’s sitting on the curb.”

CAT VOMIT AT 3 A.M.

Erin & Ben: Try to pretend she/he didn’t hear it; pray the other one will get out of bed first.

FOOD COLLECTION

Ben: Go on hunting, trapping and gathering expeditions every other day.

Erin: Supplement fresh kills with groceries from Kroger.

INVESTIGATING ATTIC FOR CRITTERS

Erin: Alert Ben to any suspicious sounds that merit immediate attention.

Ben: With flashlight, bravely stick head into attic much like Michael Biehn in Aliens.

ANYTHING AFTER 11 O’CLOCK P.M., SUCH AS TURNING OFF THE HALL LIGHT OR MAKING COFFEE FOR THE MORNING

Erin: Groan and point.

Ben: “What are you trying to tell me? I don’t understand.”

LOCATING MISPLACED ITEMS SUCH AS BILLS OR A SCREWDRIVER OR BEN’S WALLET AND KEYS

Ben: Search in vain for thirty minutes up to six days.

Erin: Wait for Ben to ask for help; immediately locate item.

MAKING THE BED

Erin & Ben: Flap, drape, smooth and tuck with Olympic precision.

Scooter Thomas: Lie in middle of bed for entire process.

APPLICATION OF RASH CREAMS

Ben: Lie still.

Erin: Apply liberally.

INSERTION OF GLASS EYE

Erin: Sit very still.

Ben: Pop that sucker in there.

CARE & UPKEEP OF BEN’S PEG LEG

Erin: Wash, rinse, water-treat, stain and dry.

Ben: Pillage refrigerator for food while Erin works.

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2 thoughts on “Division of Labor Within the Vore Household

  1. to call ben’s worn clothing dirty belies the true filth that emanates from his pores. having briefly lived with the lesser half, i became too acquainted the stench dense like a cloud hanging over is laundry basket. laundry harmony? save yourself.

    btw, my cat’s really into me making the bed, too. what’s up with that? maybe we should have a playdate?

  2. DISHES
    Eric: Load, Wash and Empty dishwasher. Wash by hand all “delicate” dishes, including multitude of microbrew pint glasses.
    Ellen: Carefully stack all used and/or soiled dishes on counter. Also, purchased Dirty/Clean magnet for dishwasher door.

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