marriage, movies, music

Vore Slang

Because you, our friends, are our primary audience here at voreblog, we want to give you a primer of sorts on the kinds of terms you might hear us toss around when we stop by unannounced to watch something on your hi-def TV or play your Wii or borrow some of your mulch for our flower beds. Because nobody likes to feel out of the loop when it comes to knowing the lingo, and the last thing we want is to alienate you, our friends. You can also amuse us by sprinkling these catchphrases into conversation with us. We’ll smile and nod and exchange that appreciative look that says, “We’re not just friends, we’re blog friends!”

“Bunny Brains.” To be oblivious to one’s own absurdity. As in, “She’s gone Bunny Brains, that one.” Refers, not favorably, to the Hudson, New York-based band that we had the misfortune of seeing before a Devendra Banhart show at Exit/In in Nashville. While the band’s MySpace page would like you to believe its music is best categorized as “Experimental/Rock/Other,” this is presumably because MySpace didn’t have a category for “Contemptible/Nauseating/Migraine-Inducing.” A prerequisite for forming a band, much less one that opens for Devendra Banhart, is that you can produce music. As in, notes that form melodies that create something loosely called a song. Bunny Brains failed at this on every level. And yet, when we watched them, we noticed a particular independent record store employee — hipster of hipsters — in the crowd, eyes closed, nodding her head in a manner that suggested she was hearing the sound on some higher wavelength than the rest of us music plebeians, and that she alone in that venue did not want to kill herself at that very moment but might in fact even be enjoying the show. Sometimes the cool kids are just too cool.

“Put it on my tab.” Pronounced “poodit on my taahb.” An evasive plea for forgiveness after multiple wrongs. From Dan in Real Life, a movie we did not like, though it yielded this enduring gem. Dan [Steve Carell] is pulled over for speeding for the second time by a Rhode Island state trooper and thinks this witticism will lighten his sentence instead of compounding it. The only hope in deploying this defense is that the aggrieved party will be wrong-footed into laughter. Success rate is very slim. You’re basically digging an extra foot in your own grave.

“Croupier.” A disastrous error in judgment. As in, “Telling that joke in front of my parents was a big-time Croupier.” Refers to the movie with Clive Owen, which Ben enthusiastically recommended to Erin. Mention of it now can lead to marital spats of typhoon-like force.

“Hold Steady.” Another disastrous error in judgment. See “Croupier.” Whether a Hold Steady is better or worse than a Croupier depends on the day and degree of transgression.

“Maybe it was an Internet Explorer problem.” Complete and total disagreement with your spouse. Example: “WordPress kept logging me off last night and I couldn’t save the post. It was really frustrating.” “WordPress is a website. It can’t log you off.” “Well, it did.” “It was probably something with Internet Explorer.” “No, I told you. I tried writing the same post three different times, and each time it froze at the exact same place and didn’t save.” “Hmmm. Maybe it was an Internet Explorer problem.” Phrase signifies an underlying contempt for the total fallacy of the opposing argument. Usually said as one is leaving the room.

“Meet me halfway.” To call someone out for total lack of effort. Usage increases late at night, when one marital party cannot find the strength to get off the couch and go to bed but claims she can if her husband will just loan a hand to pull her up. Once helping hand is extended, couch-bound member usually flops arm out in pathetic manner. Repeating “You’ve got to meet me halfway” in an increasingly earnest, televangelistic tone occasionally lights a fire underneath the sluggish party.

A Vincent. To perform an act of almost inhuman deduction, calling upon a breadth of knowledge and experience commensurate with Sherlock Holmes. Example: In Law & Order: Criminal Intent, when Vincent D’Onofrio’s character Detective Robert Goren opens a container of foul-smelling cheese and says, “That’s ‘rogetta.'” “You can tell that just from the smell?” his partner, Detective Eames (better known as Anna from What About Bob?), asks. “Label,” Vincent replies.

Or the time Vincent searches the apartment of a murdered Russian writer and, seeing her notepads, says, “She has legal pads filled with her handwriting. She still wrote in Russian.” “Don’t tell me you speak Russian,” Anna says. Vincent just stares at her. “Oh brother,” she says.

Or this exchange as noted on the IMDB quotes page:

Detective Alexandra Eames: What is that?

Detective Robert Goren: Fish scale.

Detective Alexandra Eames: Great, she was attacked by a shark.

Detective Robert Goren: Sharks don’t have scales.

Detective Alexandra Eames: [rolls eyes]

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