Scooter Thomas

Guest Blogger: Scooter Thomas

Editor’s Note: In the interests of fairness and civil discourse, we have allowed our cat Scooter Thomas a forum to rebut what he calls the “innuendo and scuttlebutt” which “have so far maked this insidious little blog of yours.”

 

                        

What do these eight images have in common? Answer: They all uphold — indeed, fortify — the malicious and unfounded notion that all the feline species is good for is: 1) eating; 2) being fat; 3) exuding an air of smug condescension; 4) enaging in slovenly behavior; and 5) aiding and abetting the most evil regimes on the face of the earth.

I cannot tell you how sickening I find these stereotypes. The fact they are all cartoons only reinforces just how cartoonish this vile canard of the shiftless, dim-witted feline archetype is. Furthermore, what saddens me most is that my two owners — otherwise good people, on the whole — have subscribed to this notion with such an ideological frenzy that I am forced to sacrifice good, valuable nap time to refute it. Also, due to my girth, my paws are a bit larger than most of the keys, so I am forced to constantly backtrack and delete. But such is my cross to bear.

First (and, if I may say, most damning of all): The so-called picture of me which appears on the “About” page of this blog is in fact not me. I fear it says something about the intellectual merits of most of my owners’ friends that they have bought into this misconception so completely, when it says on that very page that the cat pictured is not actually me. I will not waste the time and space to address this despicable photograph any further except to add that I would never be caught dead drinking Bud Light. I am a Zima man through and through.

Second: This business about me being a deadbeat is more outlandish rumor. If I were not here to help run this household, I sometimes wonder how my owners would even dress themselves in the morning (particularly the boorish male one). Let us count the ways I contribute to the smooth execution of household obligations:

  • I am on constant alert for the presence of that insidious red pen light.
  • I promptly lick excess water off the bathroom floor when my owners step out of the shower.
  • I am a sturdy back-up alarm, sitting on the heads of my owners when they have hit snooze one too many times. (Again, the loutish male is a chronic oversleeper.)
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever there is a break-in.
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever there is a thunderstorm.
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever the doorbell rings.
  • I assist gravity in its formidable task whenever my owners leave their luggage lying around.
  • Who else is going to use that perfectly good litterbox?

Finally, may I speak openly about just how freeing it is to be totally at peace with my body image? Unburdened by glossy magazine photographs and nefarious advertisements telling me I should be in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction about my looks, I love every pound on my body, all eighteen of them, especially my lower paunch and the mudflaps that form behind my rear legs whenever I sit down.

I should hope this would settle my little disagreement with the powers that be in this household once and for all, yet I fear you may be hearing from me again.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I hear the couch, a bottle of pinot noir and James Lipton calling my name.

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8 thoughts on “Guest Blogger: Scooter Thomas

  1. This really should have a disclaimer on it: do not read while sitting in an utterly silent library.

    Thank you, Scooter Thomas, for brightening my Monday.

  2. Is this going to be a weekly entry? PLEASE say it will be!?!?!?!?! Scooter Thomas, you are a wonderful kitty. Personally, I am a “dog person”, however you are making me appreciate cats and everything you guys go through on a daily basis. Everyone thinks you have it SOOO easy. You have feelings too and do a lot for your owners. I hope they appreciate you for all that you do. Does Hallmark have a Holiday for you guys yet? They should.

  3. scraping the bottom of the old blog-material barrel, are we? you’re doing characters now? hey, why don’t do what i did and post some cat photos…oh wait, you did. anything else you would like to steals? hey, i like zima, since like ’97. let’s turn that into a ha-hah. do you know how hard it is to find zima these days? why don’t you take the day off and feel some shame?

  4. Unlike my high-and-mighty owners, I, Scooter Thomas, am happy to mingle with my readership here in the comments section, engaging in the edifying back-and-forth of genteel conversation that marks true friendship, rather than the ruthless diktat preferred by the oppressive regime of this household.

    Ms. Jenny, I am pleased to have brightened your Monday. In this utterly silent library you speak of, are there good places to deposit hairballs? I have exhausted the real estate of my current residence.

    Ms. Mahoney, the terms of my blogging status have yet to be discussed. I was told to steer clear of introducing my more radical political views, but otherwise given (to my owners’ credit) uncensored artistic expression. Should the calumny of the obese, deeply self-centered feline stereotype continue to persist in their writings, however, I will have no choice but to refute it. And no, the idiots at Hallmark have not recognized us yet. Gerbils, I am sure, will get their day before us cats.

    Mr. Grit, I am in total agreement with you on every point. I think my owners should take every day off to relocate their shame.

    Ms. Winnie, I look forward to our reunion in July. If your owners do not allow you to post on their blog, perhaps you can at least exercise your freedom of speech on this dreary digital rag.

    And Mr. Luke, thank you for the sentiments. I now regret my comments insinuating that some of this blog’s readership might not be the sharpest tools in the shed. Clearly there are some civilized humans among them, you certainly being one.

  5. Scooter – do you think that we can hang out sometime soon??  I think I could learn a few things from you…and I have a few tricks of my own that you might be interested in. meeeooowww….purrrrrrrrr

  6. Oh Scooter – Just in time, Erin has a job! Less time to abuse you with her irreverence! Love the fat-and-fuzzy picture. What you really knead is a good belly-rub. Are there kitty-masseuses? Would Mitchell’s massage a fat cat (a true feline) at a discount due to the furry fun and smallish area? (Would “declawed” be a prerequisite? Or would that decrease their pedicure market?)

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