Guilty Pleasures Readers Forum: This Means You.

Andrew Cashmere put himself out there last Friday by admitting some of his guilty pleasures. One of them was his new Honda Odyssey.

Honda Odyssey. Chick Magnet.

Then we confessed that we in fact really loved Bobby Brown’s “On Our Own” from the Ghostbusters II soundtrack, the video of which has — much like Ulysses — intrigued and confounded scholars ever since its 1989 release.

Do you know, dear readers, how it feels to put yourself out there and not have your vulnerability reciprocated? We’ll tell you how it feels: lonely. And like we’re freaks.

What you may not realize is that we also feel free. We are liberated from that sinister voice which tells us we cannot be loved for who we really are. We have cast off the burden of shame and guilt. Our souls feel light. How light? Cool Whip Lite.

Don’t you want to feel this way too?

So go ahead. Share your own guilty pleasures. You are among friends. You will not be judged, at least publicly. Comment now (on the original thread)!

The Agony Of Defeat: The Thirteenth Voreblog Readers Forum

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The Pittsburgh Pirates recently achieved notoriety for becoming the first North American professional sports team — ever — to post a losing record for seventeen straight seasons. Then they went out the next night and set another dubious record by allowing eight consecutive lead-off hits to the Cubs, prompting Pirates manager John Russell to say, “I’ve never really seen anything like that, but it happened.” Finally, the Buccos capped off their series yesterday with an 8-5 loss, their 12th in 13 games.

Matt Masterson recently posed the question, “What’s worse … being a Bengals fan or being a Pirates fan?” This led us to wonder: Are there things even worse than being a Bengals or Pirates fan? I mean, we’ve got Cubs fans out there. We’ve got Cleveland fans of all stripes. Maybe some of you are sadly devoted to the Washington Generals for all we know.

Is it better to suffer in crushing sub-mediocrity for seventeen years (see Pirates, Bengals, Los Angeles Clippers, Dennis Kucinich)? Or to flirt with success — even a championship! — but fall short (see Cubs, Cleveland Indians, Utah Jazz, Johnny Lawrence)?

Ponder those questions as you reflect on this gallery of losers!

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“I let everyone down and NBC cancelled Kings!”

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“And I missed the last episode!”

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“We play at Madison Square Garden and make millions!”

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“It has just now occurred to me that life is cruel.”

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“I can’t believe Senate Democrats caved on the public option!”

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“I am a shell of a man. And I’m out of beef jerky.”

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“They say pain is weakness leaving the body, but it feels to me like a demonic squirrel fatally puncturing my carotid artery.”

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We are not sure who is winning and who is losing in this picture.

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“Don’t blame me … I voted for Wendell Willkie!”

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Humanity Fail.

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This is tragic on so many levels.

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C’mon, wallow in self-pity — comment now!

Fast Food Nation vs. Omnivore’s Dilemma

We’ve got ourselves the beginning of an intriguing conversation over at the latest Voreblog Readers Forum. Mike Allen, Erik Brueggemann and Erin argue the merits of Michael Pollan vs. Eric Schlosser when it comes to today’s “essential” food writer, plus Steve Heck makes a witty reference that you won’t appreciate unless you’ve seen I ♥ Huckabees. Why haven’t you chimed in yet? Is it because we smell or something? So what if we do? Comment now!

Read This: The Twelfth Voreblog Readers Forum

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In an article entitled “What To Read Now. And Why,” Newsweek recently attempted to compile the 50 books which

–new or old, fiction or nonfiction — open a window on the times we live in, whether they deal directly with the issues of today or simply help us see ourselves in new and surprising ways. … The fact is, no one needs another best-of list telling you how great The Great Gatsby is.

We hate these kind of lists, and we love these kind of lists. They are an invitation to argue and nitpick. We don’t want to take them seriously because it seems like an easy ploy to sell more magazines. But we take them seriously because we care about books.

The writers at Newsweek make some inspired choices (among them Lawrence Wright’s The Looming Tower, Wendell Berry’s The Unsettling of America and Anthony Shadid’s Night Draws Near) and some blinkered ones. We like Lee Child, but does his latest book, Gone Tomorrow, really “open a window on the times we live in”? (The writers all but confess this is a non-essential pick when they write of the book, “Escape into a fantasy….” We don’t have anything against escapism or fantasy, but that wasn’t the point of the list.) Furthermore, after casually discarding The Great Gatsby from consideration, the writers go on to select “Leaves of Grass” and Frankenstein, plus books by Faulkner, Twain and O’Connor, though not the ones you might expect. So which is it? Is The Great Gatsby excluded because it’s too obvious? But other classics are allowed in because they’re somehow “sexier”? Does Gatsby really speak less to our times than Anthony Trollope’s The Way We Live Now, the top pick on the list? (Full disclosure: We have not read it.* Someone else will have to answer that last question.)

All this got us stirred up enough to launch The Twelfth Voreblog Readers Forum. It’s simple: What book would you include on the list, and why? Interpret Newsweek’s criteria as you will. One commenter on Newsweek.com said, “I think any list of important books will differ between any two people.” As it should. Comment now!

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* = “It” being The Way We Live Now, not The Great Gatsby. Just to clarify.

How To Hunt — And Kill — The Dreaded Chupacabra: The Terrifying Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum

The chupacabra (literally, “goat sucker“).

 

If you have not yet decided to live in fear of the chupacabra, it’s time. From wikipedia:

The name comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats. Physical descriptions of the creature vary. Eyewitness sightings have been claimed as early as 1990 in Puerto Rico, and have since been reported as far north as Maine, and as far south as Chile. It is supposedly a heavy creature, the size of a small bear, with a row of spines reaching from the neck to the base of the tail. …

In at least one sighting, the creature was reported to hop 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the chupacabra’s eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.

 

In other words, cancel those summer vacations to Puerto Rico and anywhere between Maine and Chile.

If the above paragraphs did not immediately produce a chilling effect upon your soul, you should consider the possibility that you do not in face have a soul. This is no laughing matter. Even if you don’t own goats or other livestock, you can’t afford to take the chupacabra for granted. That would be a mistake — a fatal one.

The Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum is simple: How would you hunt and kill the feared chupacabra? It will be incumbent on us to think outside the box on this one, people. Lives may depend on it.

In the meantime, Scooter Thomas will be staying indoors as he has often been mistaken for livestock.

The NBA Playoffs Readers Forum has picked back up as well, featuring hard-hitting commentary on Joakim Noah’s offseason activity; heated exchanges about slander and potential infringement upon the intellectual property of certain comments made in Google Chat; a zinger from Matthew Leathers; and detours into the NHL Playoffs, with Scott G—– masquerading as a Chicago Blackhawks fan just to spite true hockey aficionado Jenny McDevitt. Join the discussion and comment here!

The NBA Playoffs Continue…

…and we actually still have a conversation going over at the Voreblog NBA Playoffs Readers Forum.

Tad Smith and Scott G—– both like the Nuggets this year. Given Scott’s (well-justified) hatred of George Karl, why would he pull for the Nuggets? Because he likes Chauncey Billups and Melo. And (this is a direct quote from Google Chat) “it’s one more player than I like on any other team.” Point taken.

(From the same Google Chat, Jenny McDevitt said she’s going with the “Celtics and Nuggets, because I like those locations better. My very informed opinion.” This was before Boston fizzled out to Orlando in game seven.)

Given L.A.’s less-than-impressive series against the Rockets, Denver is the sexy pick here. We (and by “we” we of course mean “Ben”) would love to be wrong, but we’re still taking the Lakers in seven.

Over in the East, Cleveland will finally lose a playoff game but not a series. Cavs in six. 

Note: Should we ever insult an NBA player’s mother, we will apologize to her in person and not in this space.

Another interesting sidenote from that link: You know those advertisements for IQ tests that challenge you to beat someone else’s IQ? One such ad on that page says “Avg. Nuggets IQ = 83.” Right below it is another that says, “Chauncy [sic] Billups’ IQ = 133.” We’re still trying to do the math, but we’re guessing that means that at least one Nugget has an IQ below 60. Any guesses as to who it might be? (And is Coach Karl included in that average?)

Those of you who despise the NBA are welcome to sound off on Major League Baseball, especially if you would like to comment on the Pirates’ three-game win streak. Last night’s 12-7 win over the Nationals put the Buccos at 17-21, which is awfully late in May for them to be flirting with .500. Two words: Nate McLouth. Three more words: Hall of Famer. One) Put it in your pipe and 2) smoke it.

This Ends The Jazz Posting.

The end of Utah’s season also means — to the relief of 98% of the Voreblog readership — the end of Utah Jazz posts. At least until next October.

But the Voreblog NBA Playoffs Readers Forum goes on. Throughout the playoffs, we’ll keep that forum going for those of you desperate for an NBA fix. Eager for Scott Guldin’s take on the resurgent Bulls? Or the latest on inter-office romantic tension at Yellow Thunder’s place of employment? Or Andrew Cashmere’s most recent love poem to his man crush Bruce Bowen? Then chime in!

Where Shenanigans Happen: A Special NBA Playoffs Voreblog Readers Forum (or, “If You Think ‘Maverick’ Won’t Bring Up Baron Davis’s Dunk Over Andrei Kirilenko In Game Three of the 2007 Warriors/Jazz Series, I Have A Bridge In Brooklyn To Sell You”)

 

Given the somewhat disastrous Golden Readers Readers Forum we attempted earlier this week (though we would be remiss not to acknowledge our new favorite Golden Reader, “Nonni,” who bravely chimed in), we (and by “we” we mean “Ben”) would like to atone with what we (Ben) will call The Voreblog Readers Forum 10.5. Subject: The NBA Playoffs. Topic: What you love about the NBA Playoffs. Could be your favorite game. Or the image of Dikembe Mutombo, now seared into your brain, lying on the court and crying/howling after Denver upset Seattle in 1994. Or O.J.’s freeway chase during the 1993 Finals. Or KG screaming “Anything is possible!” after you watched the Celts win it all at the Cicaks. Or the 63-year-old Joe Smith putting up 19 points and 10 boards to help Cleveland go up 3-0 on Detroit last night. Or running back from evening vespers on Sunday, June 14, 1998, at Summer’s Best Two Weeks, where there was no television to watch Game Six of the Finals between the Jazz and Bulls, although you had spent hours in your bunk finding just the right frequency on your walkman (contraband) to get a faint, crackly feed of NBC’s audio, so that when you threw on your headphones to see if the game was still going and the first words you heard out of Bob Costas’s mouth were, “When you lose by so close a margin, it’ll be a long summer of ‘what if?’ for the Utah Jazz,” you just broke inside, went numb, thought to yourself, “Why could I have at least been there when Stockton’s final shot didn’t go in”?

Or, you know, some other memory that just happens to cross your mind or whatever.

Other possible topics for discussion: the awfulness of playoff broadcasters; fixed NBA playoff games (2002 Lakers/Kings Game 6; 2006 Heat/Mavs, Games 3-6); favorite segments of Ahmad Rashad and Willow Storm’s “Inside Stuff” (the correct answer here being “Jam Session”); whether or not Tim Duncan has a soul; most annoying bench players on championship-winning teams (see Madsen, Mark; Scalabrine, Brian; Simpkins, Dickey); Bruce Bowen being the devil incarnate; and the weird green patches of hair you see above Hubie Brown’s ears when he’s not looking straight at the camera, which is all the time.

We can expect Scott Guldin, Brad Daniel and “Maverick” to turn out, but who else will join the festivities? Comment now!

Thud

Is it too soon to say: Worst. Readers. Forum. Ever? 

Golden Readers, we are disheartened.

If anyone has any advice of any kind, there’s still time to share it here.

We would advise that if you have not already seen David Simon’s appearance on “Bill Moyers Journal” last week, you do so here.

Hearing Simon talk about the correlation between the decline of newspapers and the decline of civic institutions made us think of … the decline of NBA beat reporting and Kevin Garnett’s injury?

Calling All Old Timers (er, “Golden Readers”): The Tenth Voreblog Readers Forum

If you can Wii, you can definitely join the Readers Forum.

 

We alluded to Donna Vore, Ben’s mom, in yesterday’s “Voreplay” post. And we poked a little fun at her for calling it “the YouTube” instead of just “YouTube.” But the truth is, we could get away with it because Donna does not read Voreblog. It’s not because she isn’t a wonderful, supportive mother who devoutly cares about her son and daughter-in-law — it’s that the day-to-day commitment of checking a blog eludes her. In her defense, it does take the Vore’s home computer about ten minutes to boot AOL. (AOL! we hear many of you young whipper-snappers hooting. Yes, tis true.)

Just because Donna isn’t a regular Voreblog reader doesn’t mean that there aren’t others of you out there in the “parent” demographic who make it a point to check in now and then. We ran into one of you (John Tolos) last week. You said, “I’ve tried reading your blog a couple times but it’s a little past me. I’ll tell you which one I liked though: that one about the grandchildren.” 

Not to stereotype, but our oldest demographic seems to share John’s view. They like posts about grandchildren. They like posts about our parents wanting grandchildren. They seem less enthralled with anything having to do with pop culture in general and Nic Cage in particular. So what’s on the minds of our senior demographic? 

Pardon us before we go any farther, but instead of “oldest,” “parent” or “senior” demographic, can we just call you, say, our Golden Readers? Is that offensive? Better than Old Farts? We know this is a sensitive subject. Some families howl and cackle about age (even death) while others tiptoe around it like it’s a slumbering bear. We know. We descended from one of each.

So “Golden Readers” is okay? We mean it when we say that we don’t think of you as old. If you’re our parents age, you’re not old. You’re just our parents or our friends’ parents. Some of you officially qualify as senior citizens now, but you’re not senior citizens to us. You see the dilemma here? What we don’t want is for you to think we’re joking around behind your back, jabbing our thumbs in your direction and whispering, “Hey, who invited the fogies?” Trust us, we’re not doing that. Really.

As a way of officially recognizing you Golden Readers and inviting you into the conversation, we’d like to dedicate our Tenth Readers Forum to you. This naturally lead us to ask, What would an Old Tim–we mean, a “Golden Reader” — want to discuss in a Readers Forum? We generally like to do Top 5 lists. Top 5 favorite grandchildren? Top 5 Harrison Ford movies? Top 5 favorite colonoscopies? (Sorry, below the belt.) We decided maybe Top 5 lists are a generational thing. So we racked our brains a little while longer until we finally came up with this:

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

It could be about life. Marriage. Work. Faith. Colonoscopies. Anything. It just has to be good advice that someone gave to you.

As always, anyone is free to comment and share his or her wisdom, which resides in young and old alike. But here are a few disclaimers we make specifically to you, Golden Readers, for your peace of mind:

1. Commenting on our blog does not mean faceless cyber-criminals will hack into your bank account. The only thing you will expose yourself to by sharing your thoughts in the Readers Forum is the unconditional love of the virtual Voreblog community.
2. You will be asked to enter your e-mail address, but that does not mean anyone else gets to see it. Only us. And only so we know you are not a cyber-criminal trying to hack into our bank account. 
3. We don’t share or sell your e-mail address to third parties who want to sell you time shares in Florida. Unless the price is right, of course. Or we’re really hard up for some cash.
4. No, seriously. We don’t do that. Seriously.
5. You also won’t get e-mail spam about penis size enhancement. Unless you’ve specifically requested it via other sites.

 

So, Golden Readers, lead the way! You have a captive audience. We sit at your feet awaiting your pearls of wisdom.