The Next-To-Last Jazz Post You’ll Have To Suffer Through This Year

The reprehensible Lakers will end it for the Jazz. Ben will have a dark night of the soul.

 

Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Let’s start with the bad. Utah’s season is going to end very shortly. At the hands of the vile Kobe Bryant and his Los Angeles Lakers. 

The good news? You won’t have to put up with another Jazz post (spare a painful post-mortem after the Lakers series, if I can muster the strength) for six months. 

Utah has pooped its way into the playoffs in just about the poopiest fashion possible. The Jazz has won exactly two of its last nine games, falling all the way down to the eight seed — a completely avoidable outcome had Utah, say, won home games against Golden State and Minnesota. Give the season another week or two and Utah may have played its way out of the playoffs and handed the eight seed to the Suns.

How is Jazz nation handling this, you ask? (Actually, I’m sure you’re not asking that question. But I’m going to tell you.) With resigned despondency. The mood on Jazz discussion boards is grim. A random sampling of user comments from SLC Dunk:

• “Is it too early or in bad form to start talking about the off-season?”
• “I can’t help but think [Andrei] Kirilenko has already planned his European trip and has his bags packed.”
• “The bottom line is that the entire team has no life.”
• “As a Jailblazer fan back in the early 00s I consider myself somewhat of an expert on bad team chemistry. [And] the biggest problem is [Carlos] Boozer.”
• “Watching this team is like watching 8MM only with basketballs and more Russians.”

Confession: I made the last one up. 

What went wrong? I’ll stare down that question some bleak, sleepless night in the week to come. The short answer is injuries. If Williams didn’t turn an ankle in the preseason and Boozer played between 70 and 80 games, there’s no reason this team shouldn’t have won the Northwest. The rush-to-judgment answer is team chemistry. Specifically Carlos Boozer. Which may very well be a fair judgment considering Utah was actually a better team without him this year. That’s saying something considering Booze was an All-Star.

This is getting too painful to go on. Let’s just cut to a few playoff predictions and be done with it:

• I’m jumping on the Blazers playoff bandwagon. A Dallas/New Orleans draw in the first round would be ideal, but I think they could beat the Spurs if it came down to it. Speaking of the Spurs, that Tim Duncan is a ham.
• Orlando is going to beat Boston in the second round. Stephon Marbury has sure made an impact with his 3.6 ppg on 33% shooting. And Kendrick Perkins is delusional. 
• I’m sticking by my preseason prediction: Cavs over Lakers in the Finals. Lebron James: Just one more thing to love about Ohio.

 

[photo: nba.com]

Be Your Own Banksy

Perhaps in the past you have taken issue with our taste in movies, books and music. Perhaps you simply hate us with a burning passion. Pent up that anger no more! We invite you to take it out on us — and any other site you happen to loathe — with something called Netdisaster. You can deface (or, “improve”) any site simply by entering the target address and then the type of virtual disaster you wish to unleash upon said page. Our favorites include most anything under the “Dirty” bar (Cow Dung, Dog poop, Vomit, etc.) as well as “Demonstration,” “Ants,” and “Chainsaw.” Go ahead. Have at us.

 

(h/t VSL)

36 Hours in Columbus

[UPDATED]

To the best of our knowledge the New York Times has never done a “36 Hours” column for Columbus, Ohio. We have submitted this post for its consideration.

 

 

FRIDAY

6:30 P.M.  

1. Wedded Bliss

Once you’ve checked in to the Red Roof Inn Columbus West (5001 Renner Rd, 614.878.9245) and discovered that the “free wifi” is for T-Mobile customers only, head over to Memorial Baptist for a wedding. Afterwards proceed downstairs to the fellowship hall for dinner. You’ll want to sample the eggroll hors d’oeuvres while they’re still hot. For the reception dinner buffet, we recommend the splendid roast chicken and delectable garlic-roasted rosemary potatoes. Save room for the chocolate cake!

10:30 P.M.

2. Time For a Nightcap

Post-reception, head on over to Applebee’s (5561 Westchester Woods Blvd, 614.527.9670) for a drink or two. Stop in between eight and eleven o’clock and enjoy half-price appetizers (but not, alas, drinks — you’ll have to pay full price for that Perfect Margarita and Stella on tap). Take some sociable friends with you so you can share stories about pet snakes and roommates with severe OCD. You’ll be enjoying yourself so much that it may take several hairy eyeballs from the waitstaff to let you know that the restaurant actually closed 25 minutes ago at midnight! 

1:00 A.M.

3. Time To Wind Down

You may not have that free wifi but you can still enjoy the best that early morning cable has to offer. If you’re too tired to stick out one of the movies on demand, there’s a good chance of catching “Lemur Kingdom” on Animal Planet (channel 33) or old school “American Gladiators” on Spike (channel 42). Man, that Ice is a babe! 

 

SATURDAY

8:30 A.M.

4. Sunny Side Up

Walk to the Perkins (1451 Hilliard Rome Rd, 614.870.7744) just across the parking lot from your Red Roof. (And that exercise may help get the crick out of your neck from a rough night’s sleep.) You can’t go wrong with the Heartland Omelette or Authentic French Toast. Vegetarians should steer clear of the Scramblers which come in either “Meatlovers” or “Steakhouse.” Don’t forget that all ages can order from the Senior Menu — we recommend the Traveler. If they don’t give you the right Mammoth Muffin, don’t be afraid to point this out. They’ll cheerfully bring you the one you ordered (and let you keep the other one!). 

12:30 P.M.

5. Cobblestone Country

Time to head over to German Village and visit the Book Loft (631 S 3rd St, 614.464.1774). You’ll have to try hard not to get lost in the 32 room labyrinth. Puzzle-lovers can purchase the “World’s Largest Puzzle” at 18,000 pieces and dimensions of six by nine feet. The price tag is hefty ($150) but you can get half off before March 31. When you’re finished browsing stop by Cup O Joe next door (627 S 3rd St, 614.221.1563) and get the chai or, if you’re feeling decadent, a Buckeye espresso drink. There’s ample seating to pull out your laptop, grade some papers, crack that book you just bought, or stare off into the distance looking smart and, if you’re wearing a scarf, white. If you’re hungry for lunch, check out the MoJoe Lounge and get the hummus plate to confirm your whiteness.

4:30 P.M.

6. Cinematic Diversions

The Movies 10 in Hilliard (5275 Westpointe Plaza Dr, 614.529.8547‎) may not have a great selection of films but it does have the virtue of $3.50 matinee prices. We strongly recommend you do not see The International unless you enjoy atrocious dialogue ( “Well you’re a real stand up guy, Artie!”; “Don’t you effin’ die on me!”) and/or want to take a nap. One precaution: As with any cineplex you won’t be able to choose your fellow audience members and subsequently may be stuck sitting behind some yahoo parents who apparently could not find a babysitter and felt compelled to bring their three 8- to 13-year-old daughters to an ‘R’-rated movie. Be prepared for these young ladies to wander aimlessly up and down the aisles and for the father to angrily shush them every time they crinkle a plastic bottle. Since you won’t care about the movie, though, this diversion may be a welcome one.

8:30 P.M.

7. Good Old Pub Fare

Visit a Columbus must-see, The Old Bag of Nails Pub (2102 Tremont Ctr, 614.486.6976), for dinner with the Porterfields. Get comfortable for the two person, off-Broadway show “The Porterfields Order From A Menu,” which lasts about five minutes and features numerous feints, interruptions, negotiations, arguments, corrections and apologies. The British Style Fish & Chips are all-you-can-eat while the Rustic Burger will prove a formidable foe for your appetite. While waiting for your food we recommend engaging in especially repulsive contests of “Would You Rather?” 

10:30 P.M.

8. A Manly Man Seminar

We guarantee you’ll be impressed by the inventory of Mr. Porterfield’s Man Cave, a fly-tying operation of mammoth proportions. The faint-of-heart should steer clear of handling the crossbow compound bow* hanging on the wall as well as the lure made from real rabbit face. Certain Porterfields may jokingly stand outside the bathroom while you’re doing your business which could lead to a very awkward situation. The ventilation is also somewhat poor; take matches with you. Mr. Porterfield makes a mean fire to settle into as you watch Marshall McPeek deliver the 5-day forecast. The guest room bed is nothing but a dream, especially after the night you’ve just had at Red Roof.

 

SUNDAY

7 A.M.

9. Goodbye, Columbus

Grab a cup of home-brewed Porterfield coffee before you hit the road because we guarantee you’ll be disappointed by a cup at Tim Horton’s. If you happen to be leaving Columbus via I-71 South, watch out for the numerous speed traps lying in wait. Punishments from Ohio’s capitol at being scorned by your departure? No, just Columbus’s way of saying, “I’m sad to see you go, and please return soon.”**

 

—–

* = David corrected us on this, citing “Man Rule #14: Crossbows are for sissies and are not manly.”

** = It occurred to us upon rereading that this post may have unintentionally veered into snarkier territory than we intended. Columbus, like all things Ohio, inspires in us mixed feelings, oscillating from pride to gentle self-deprecation, the way anything familiar does. Let it be known that there are numerous virtues to be found in Columbus, not least of which are the Porterfields and Miesens, and that we hope to return there soon.

 

[photo: wikipedia.org]

Friday Recommends: Apologizing

Christian Bale has apologized for his outburst. And Matthew Leathers called it when he said, “[Bale is] so stinkin’ method it’s ridiculous”:

During the interview, Bale explained that he had been trying to summon an air of madness for his character John Connor, who is trying to save the human race from the evil Skynet computers. “I was trying to show a little of that in the blood craziness. It went very wrong. . . ,” Bale said. “I made it ugly. That was awful of me. I took it way too far. I mixed up fact and fiction. I’m half John Connor there. I’m half Christian there.”

 

So, the half of Christian responsible for the tirade has come clean. We’ll wait for John Connor to issue his formal apology soon.

Christian — who called in to L.A. radio station KROQ to make his mea culpa — also had this bit of wisdom to share:

“Please, I want to make it clear. I am embarrassed by it. I regret it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves if they have ever had a bad day and lost their temper and really regretted it immensely.”

 

We took Christian’s advice and sat down and asked ourselves if we’ve ever had a bad day and lost our temper and really regretted it immensely. And the answer, of course, was, “Sure — who hasn’t?” We’re not going to cast stones when someone slips up and drops the f-bomb 36 times in 4 minutes! We’ve doubled that amount in half the time before!

So today we’re recommending that you follow our lead (and Christian’s) and apologize to someone in your life who you’ve dressed down, John Connor-style. It could be a colleague, it could be your spouse, it could be your obese, good-for-nothing cat. Think of who that person is, and then instead of apologizing to them directly, call in to your local radio station and come clean. We already called in to 700 AM WLW this morning. If you missed it, and you are among those who needed an apology from us, we’ll recap here quickly:

To You Know Who You Are: Sorry for that thing we did with the thing.

To The Woman Driving A Tan Accord On Camargo Road: We acted rashly, and we apologize for that. We hope you’ve managed to get out of the ditch by now.

Ben, To His Coworkers: Sorry for all the goat blood in the breakroom.

To Those People We Burned At The Stake: Forgive us for showing a little of that blood craziness. Just bad timing all around.

To Jeremy Piven: We’d forgive you for everything if you deserved it. You don’t.

To Pittsburgh Steelers Fans: You are all total jerks, and we’re still waiting for your apology to us.

To The Girl Scouts Outside Kroger: Sorry for kicking you in the shins and stealing your Do-Si-Dos.

To Cousin Sally: Sorry we said your baby looked like “a rotten potato.”

Erin, To Ben: Sorry about waking you up at 3 a.m. with that ballistic sulfur missile. 

Ben, To Erin: Sorry, I thought it was my thong.

To The Owner Of The Great Dane Who Pooped In Our Yard: So sorry to hear of your vehicular troubles. Who knows how all that horse manure ended up in your gas tank?

To The Owner Of The Farm Down The Road: Sorry we took your horse.

To President Obama: Sorry for the embarrassment of our Senate hearing. We truly thought we had taken care of those hundred thousand dollars in back taxes. 

To Scooter Thomas: Sorry we blamed all those tax errors on you.

To Christian Bale: Sorry we ever doubted you. We never did.

Dear Man Who Let His Great Dane Poop In Our Yard,

No, no, no, don’t feel obligated to clean that up! We know you’re a busy man with things to do, places to go, widows to swindle and upstanding citizens to hoodwink. You’re obviously far too important a person to be troubled with cleaning up Marmaduke’s herculean crap. (And what a clean-up job it will be! Lord have mercy!) I mean, really, who are we to put our yard in your dog’s way? Let us do the dirty work. Yes, that’s us watching you in the window. We’re waving but don’t feel obligated to wave back or anything. It’s our way of saying, “Thanks for being a good neighbor! You’re helping us get a head start on fertilizing our lawn for next summer, and we appreciate it.” Maybe you and ol’ Duke could stop back this weekend and fertilize the rest of it for us. What’s that? You think you’re free? Great! We’ll look forward to it! After we buy ourselves a shotgun! Bye neighbor!

sincerely,

The Vores

2008: Highs & Lows

We are writing our year-end post from the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio, where our car broke down tonight after we drove over a nail and got a flat tire. Since checking in, we’ve been debating what exactly La Quinta is Spanish for. We previously believed it was Spanish for “The Plunger,” based on our experience at the La Quinta in Gainesville, Florida, where Ben clogged the toilet not five minutes after checking in. Since our room did not have a plunger, Ben had to inquire at the front desk, where he was informed that La Quinta stocked exactly one plunger, which the front desk attendant handed to Ben in front of six other people waiting in line. “Should I return this here?” Ben asked. “No, we’ll pick it up later if just leave it outside your room,” the attendant said. “Sort of like a scarlet A,” Ben said. “Like a what?” the attendant said. “Nothing. Thank you,” Ben said. After plunging the toilet, Ben left the plunger outside the door. It was still there two days later when we checked out.

Moving on. 2008’s highs and lows.

LOWS

• We spend the night of December 30 at the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio.*
• There is absolutely nothing good on TV.
• There is no plunger in our room.

HIGHS

• We did get a special AAA rate on our room.
• The Animal Planet Channel just showed a man kissing a shark, resulting in the shark biting the man’s mouth, resulting in thirty-five stitches.
• We just saw a commercial for Snuggies. This may actually be the number one highlight of our year.

OTHER HIGHS

• We celebrated our first year as homeowners.

LOWS

• Erin found many, many more things to worry about.
• Also, we got robbed in March.
• And a squirrel named Beelzebub defaced our pumpkin.

HIGHS

• Many of our friends became first-time parents.
• We both volunteered with College Summit.
• We were on cloud nine November 5th. 

LOWS

• The Utah Jazz did not win an NBA championship.
• And now Carlos Boozer is going to undergo arthroscopic knee surgery.
• Ben is in next-to-last place in his NBA fantasy league because he took Boozer in round three and Kevin Martin in round five.

HIGHS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

LOWS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

HIGHS

• We were introduced to “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

LOWS

• We failed walk-on tryouts for the Philadelphia Eagles to one of those cursed McPoyles.
• We sold our shares of Paddy’s to Mac for half a sandwich.
• We lost ownership of Paddy’s when a hobo beat us at a dance marathon.

HIGHS

• We successfully completed the 10k Turkey Trot.
• We successfully completed the Music City Half-Marathon.
• The baboon heart transplant was a huge success.

LOWS

• Ben got two — now three — flat tires.
• Erin got a speeding ticket.
• We were finally nailed for tax evasion and served 20 years.
• Also, Christian Bale’s family continues to be crazy. (He deserves so much better.)

HIGHS

• We took trips to Missouri, Portland and–

 

Pardon us. Scooter Thomas has just asked to say a few words.

LOWS FOR SCOOTER THOMAS

• I could not protect my owners’ home from a break-in.
• I am scared by the doorbell.
• I had to go to the vet.
• I could not conquer the infernal red pen light.
• My Kitty Hooch no longer has the same potency as it did in June, and my owners have not bought me a new one.
• My portfolio is shot.
• My 401k is hemorrhaging money.
• I wake in the morning with a sense of impending doom, exacerbated by the fact my food dish is almost never replenished in a timely manner and–

 

[The Vores take the computer back from Scooter Thomas.]

 

Sorry about that.

HIGHS

• We kicked our glue-sniffing habit.
• We are in contract negotiations to become sponsors for Snuggies.
• Another twelve months without Hirschsprung’s disease!

LOWS

• Our indie rock band “The Lawn Wranglers” was a bust.
• Nick Lachey became a spokesman for Cincinnati Bell.
• Ben’s peg leg continues to rot.

MORE LOWS

• Now That’s What I Call Christmas! CD a huge disappointment.
• Erin’s scurvy continues to be a major social stigma.
• We have been banned from Cracker Barrels nationwide after that little incident in February.

YET MORE SPIRIT-CRUSHING LOWS

• We did not get a pony for Christmas.
• Our cameo in Iron Man ended up on the cutting room floor.
• Nobody bothered to tell us that pegging your jeans stopped being cool in 1990.

LET’S END ON A HIGH

• We get a free continental breakfast tomorrow morning.

 

Thank you, La Quinta. Spanish for “life saver.”

 

We’re off until next Monday. See you in 2009.

 

—–

* = Scott Guldin, we know a sign when we see one. We will never stand you up again.

The Voreblog Photo Album, part one

Between having our digital camera stolen and then our Macbook corrupted, we haven’t posted many personal shots in this space. Finally, thanks to Kodak EasyShare Gallery, we obtained a complete CD archive of our account. We’ll space things out over the next couple weeks so as not to bombard you with all of our photos all at once. So gather round while we show you our vacation slides, starting with pics from Bar Harbor, Maine, September 2006.

Lights, please.

The obligatory stunning nature shot. Jordan Pond, in Arcadia National Park.

 

Thunder Hole. The correct pronounciation is “THUNDER HOLE.”

 

The Ocean Path walk, nearing dusk.

The Lost puzzle we assembled.

Outside Ben & Bill’s Ice Cream. The ice cream cone is fake but the lobster is not.

The town of Bar Harbor was ankle deep in dog feces until this sign was posted. Tourism has since recovered.

After summiting Cadillac Mountain, before a celebratory beer.

After two celebratory beers.

After four celebratory but skunked beers.

      

Seven very skunked beers.

 

Eleven beers and six vodka tonics.

Nineteen beers, an Alabama Slamma, two Firebreathers and one Burning Smurf.

Twenty-eight beers, three Irish Car Bombs, a Four Horseman, Hong Kong Hangover, Flatliner, Scooby Snack, Mind Eraser, Spanish Paint Stripper and too-many-to-count Three Wisemens. 

Obligatory closing nature shot. Shortly before Ben was mauled by a jellyfish.

 

San Francisco, October 2006. Jesse Savage’s wedding. One month after our Bar Harbor hangover wore off, we started back up at the Robert Mondavi Winery in Napa Valley. 

 

High fives were never more in fashion than in the fall of 2006. With high five champion, Eric Bescak.

 

The erstwhile Men of 113 Bexley (minus Erich Kurschat, taking the picture) don their Joe Magliaro Memorial Jogging Club t’s, exquisitely designed using a Chisel Tip Sharpie. Astonishingly, digital enhancement was not used on any of our biceps.

 

Pre-run stretching using the patented Beez gluteus stretch.

 

Washington, D.C. June 2007. Outside the White House, with the special passes Emily Huie stole for us.

 

The Vore clan at the White House, seconds before Donna Vore was taken down by the Secret Service.

 

Emilly and Erin ponder the outcome of Senate Bill #998. (It passed.)

 

Katie Stratman and Erin in our nation’s capital.

 

Tai Shan at the National Zoo. The zookeepers would not let us take him home with us.

 

Scooter Thomas’s father at the National Zoo.

 

Scooter Thomas’s mother.

Coming soon: Pictures from friends’ weddings!

Overheard Today in the Vore Household

ERIN: Hey, will you come look at this for a second?

BEN: What is it?

ERIN: You have to come look.

BEN: Why don’t you just tell me what it is?

ERIN: Because you have to see it for yourself.

[BEN joins ERIN at the doorway to the guest room. There is something on the carpet.]

ERIN: I think it’s an acorn.

BEN: Are you putting me on?

ERIN: No, I’m serious, I don’t know what it is or how it got there.

[BEN and ERIN lean over to examine it.]

BEN: I think it’s poop.

ERIN: Shut up. Really?

BEN: Well, I can’t tell. 

[BEN gets down on knees and leans in very close.]

BEN: You’re seriously not putting me on?

ERIN: No!

BEN: You’re not going to shove my face in it or anything?

ERIN: I’m not going to do anything.

BEN: Take a step back.

ERIN: Okay. Sheesh.

[BEN sniffs the object.]

BEN: It’s poop.

ERIN: What’s it doing on the floor of our guest bedroom?

BEN: I have no idea.

ERIN: Oh that’s disgusting.

BEN: Where’s kittens?

ERIN: You think he forgot to wipe? Like he couldn’t get it all off?

BEN: Actually, that’s way too big for him.

ERIN: I almost touched it. I was really just going to pick it up.

BEN: If it was still stuck to him, how’d he manage to get all the way up here before it fell off?

ERIN: I don’t want to think about it.

BEN: It’s big. I really don’t think it was him.

ERIN: Well then who did it? I didn’t.

BEN: Are you suggesting I did?

ERIN: We are never letting him on our bed again.

[BEN picks up the poop with a wad of toilet paper and flushes it.]

ERIN: Seriously, it had to be kitties.

BEN: That was a big piece of poop. I don’t know if it was him.

ERIN: WELL IT WASN’T US.

[BEN and ERIN go downstairs. SCOOTER THOMAS is sitting on the chair. He looks like an angel.]

ERIN: Oh, I can’t be mad at him.

BEN: Well, we’ve still got to burn that chair.

A Case Study in the Relative Merits of Various Colon Cleanses, As Researched and Tested By Voreblog

When no less an authority than The New York Times uses its editorial space to promote healthy colons, you know it’s something you should have on your radar. And when no less an authority than Voreblog test drives two different colon cleanse treatments from Trader Joe’s, you can rest assured that the results will be educational and potentially life-changing. Below are our findings, published with the pseudonyms Patient A and Patient B.

A CASE STUDY IN THE RELATIVE MERITS OF TWO COLON CLEANSES, AS RESEARCHED AND TESTED BY VOREBLOG

Study Participants: Both members of Voreblog, hereby named “Patient A” and “Patient B”

Colon Cleanses Tested: Super Colon Cleanse (4 pills/3x a day), used by Patient A; Trader Joe’s Total Body Cleanse (3 sets of pills/3x a day), used by Patient B. Both patients cleansed for a two week period.

Patient A’s colon cleanse is the one featured in this ten second video.

It’s what keeps you regular, silly.

Initial Reactions to the Packaging: “I like how sleek mine looks. It’s kind of gross that yours has a drawing of an intestine right on the front” (Patient B); “Is it safe to take a product that has Buckthorn and Senna? And what is Psyllium Husk Powder and why should I be putting it into my body?” (Patient A)

Origin of Study: Patient A and Patient B came home from church a couple Sundays ago and ate lunch in front of the TV. It was there they stumbled upon an infomercial touting the efficacy of a particular colon cleansing product, praised by numerous people in enthusiastic testimonials and two guys dressed up like doctors although neither had the title “Dr.” in front of their name or “M.D.” behind it. While certain phrases like “excessive impacted fecal matter” were a bit off-putting, Patient A and Patient B were riveted. They immediately drove to Trader Joe’s and bought the two colon cleanses noted above.

Background: Patient B has been told by a doctor to schedule a colonoscopy this fall. Patient A often lies awake at night wondering if his/her colon is normal, and how he/she would know if it wasn’t, and when it was that the word colonoscopy went from something he/she associated with grandparents to something he/she was perfectly comfortable discussing with the total stranger ringing Voreblog up at Trader Joe’s.

Did You Know? A healthy colon is essential to good health. Everything we eat ends up in our bowels as toxins. As these toxins build up, we end up with various diseases, such as being overweight, constipation, and candida. We don’t know what candida is, but it is a member of the fungi kingdom and looks like this.

Results:

Pills ingested: 172 (Patient A), 162 (Patient B)

Number of times gag reflex kicked in: “Every day” (Patient A); “My pills could probably kill a horse” (Patient B)

Number of bowel movements: 41 (Patient A), “I lost track” (Patient B)

Weight lost: 1/2 lb. (Patient A), 1 lb. (Patient B)

Description of gas during test period: “foul and never-ending” (Patient A), “like hot death” (Patient B)

Number of times test subject wanted to quit: “just about every hour” (Patient A); “two or three times” (Patient B)

Verdict: “I would do this again if forced to at gunpoint, but I’d have to be 100% certain the gun was loaded” (Patient A); “As much fun as going on the Scrambler at Kings Island after eating five slices of pizza” (Patient B); “I really thought I’d feel emptier inside” (Patient A); “Well I think I understand the concept of a black hole now” (Patient B); “I honestly have no idea what that means” (Patient A); “There are some really disgusting websites about people doing colon cleanses” (Patient B); “You mean like ours?” (Patient A); “But we didn’t include pictures” (Patient B); “So would we recommend this to our readership? Wasn’t that the point of doing this?” (Patient A); “There was a point to doing this?” (Patient B); “Weren’t we going to educate people about healthy colons and preventative steps to take and rate these products and stuff?” (Patient A); “I thought we were doing it just to link to Phil Hartman’s Super Colon Blow commercial” (Patient B); “I think this will probably be our most unpopular post of all time” (Patient A); “Not if we end with Phil Hartman” (Patient B); “But I can’t figure out how to post videos from Hulu yet” (Patient A); “Then we have failed” (Patient B).

A Michael Phelps Poop Story*

When we solicited good poop stories two weeks ago (here), one person who couldn’t respond was Michael Phelps. This was partly due to Internet restrictions in Beijing (apparently we are a banned site in China) and partly due to his rigorous training regimen. But when we called Michael to congratulate him on gold medal number six early this morning, he said that he’d been meaning to comment on our blog with his own poop anecdote.

Phelps, as you may have heard, consumes 12,000 calories a day. Here is his typical breakfast, according to the New York Post:

Phelps lends a new spin to the phrase “Breakfast of Champions” by starting off his day by eating three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

He follows that up with two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

As Michael said during our phone conversation, “If you think it’s hard to eat that much, just imagine how hard it is to poop that much. Nobody thinks about that.”

So did Phelps feel comfortable sharing an awkward pooping moment? “Well, when I was younger I wasn’t packing in twelve thousand calories a day, but I was putting down at least half that much. Pop Tarts, Fruity Pebbles, Eggos, Apple Jacks, Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Nintendo Power cereal. When I competed in my first swim meet at age five, I was halfway through the one hundred butterfly when an uncontainably strong urge to poop swept over me. Instead of flip-turning at the wall, I jumped out, ran to the bathroom and pooped like I had never pooped before. We’re talking five or six flushes here. Then I noticed somebody had clogged the toilet next to me, so I plunged that while I was there. Then I raced back toward the pool but first I saw a kitten in a tree and a little girl crying, so I crawled up the tree and rescued it. Then some fighter jets flew overhead and I had to stop and salute them. I was almost back in the pool when a woman passed out and needed CPR, and since I had just learned it I was kind of excited to practice. The mouth-to-mouth part was a little gross, but hey, somebody needed to save her life. Some bystanders wanted my autograph afterwards, so I signed their programs and various body parts. The local paper had been alerted about the kitten rescue, but when they got to the pool they also found out about me saving the woman’s life, so there were a few photo ops. The light wasn’t quite right at first, so we waited maybe half an hour for the sun to be in the right place. And then I jumped back in the pool and finished a half second ahead of the world record for my age group.”

Anything else to add? “I get a lot of bathroom reading done,” Phelps said after a pause. “I reread Infinite Jest yesterday. In July I polished off all of Shakespeare. I’ve always wanted to read the complete Oxford English Dictionary, so I might tackle that next.”

Thank you, Michael Phelps. You’re an inspiration to us all.

 

* = Thank you, Andy Sweeney, for making us ask the question, “Just how much does Michael Phelps poop?”