Soy Milk & Man Boobs

from The Huffington Post:

Hold the sushi and the soy lattes. Jeremy Piven, who recently recovered from a long battle with mercury poisoning, claims that he quit drinking soy milk because it caused confusion over his growing breasts.

“I was the guy that dabbled in soy milk, but now I’ve found out soy milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts,” he told STV. “I had to put the soy milk down. It was a very confusing time.”

Very confusing indeed.

Jeremy Piven: The gift that keeps on giving.

“Five dollars? For a Jeremy Piven movie? You should be paying me.”

- Christine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), on “The New Adventures of Old Christine,” after being charged for her in-flight entertainment headphones.

(h/t EW)

Jeremy Piven Wins!

It’s a great day for aspiring but beleaguered theater actors everywhere. (h/t Matthew Leathers)

In the meantime, Mr. Piven is still taking questions from Voreblog readers.

x

(Jeremy Piven. Martin Luther King Jr. Yup, they belong in the same sentence.)

Jeremy Piven Takes Your Questions *UPDATED* (x5)

SWM looking for morally bankrupt company. Let’s talk!

x

Time magazine invited Jeremy Piven to its weekly Ten Questions forum. Regrettably, readers lobbed softballs. ( “Of all the different looks you’ve had on film, which hairstyle have you liked the best?” Seriously, Christian Zafiroglu of New Castle, Delaware?)

What we would have asked: “Why have you morally bankrupted yourself as a spokesman for such heinous, soulless companies as Buffalo Wild Wings and Cincinnati Bell?”

And did anyone actually see The Goods?

x

(Mike LaSalle of the San Francisco Chronicle did. He didn’t like it.)

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UPDATE!: We have stumbled across Piven Online News, a fellow WordPress blog devoted exclusively to all things Jeremy Piven. We apparently missed celebrating Piven’s birthday (July 26), but PON didn’t. (See “News Coverage of JP’s BDay.”)

UPDATE 2!: UPDATE 1! was not a joke.

UPDATE 3!: What would be more pathetic: Starting a blog devoted to Jeremy Piven or a blog devoted to the Utah Jazz? This is not a rhetorical question.

UPDATE4!: Piven himself has condescended to answer your questions! Send them now!

UPDATE5!: Is Jeremy Piven the biggest jerk in showbiz? (And does he wear hair plugs?) Page Six tells all!

Like Grosse Pointe Blank, Without The Killing: The Fifth Voreblog Readers Forum

You may not know this about the Vores, but both, like the Bushes, are presidential. Ben was president of his high-school 4-H Crossbow Team. Duties included killin’, slayin’, slaughterin’, and guttin’. Erin was president of her class. This meant she had the distinct honor of decorating for school dances, judging the battle of the bands, and issuing line item vetoes on pork barrel spending bills proposed by the superintendent.

This past Saturday, Erin celebrated her ten year high school reunion, which she planned with the help of friends. It was way more fun than she hoped to have. In fact, it made the Vore’s top ten list of good times for 2008. (Full list to be published later this month.) Generally speaking, the women got prettier and the men got bloatier.* Below are some highlights.    

 

The magic happened at the 20th Century Theater in Oakley.

 

The Lady Planners. They earned those nametags.

 

If you ever see this group of hooligans crash your party, lock the doors and call the police.

 

Brad & Christy Daniel had a busy week: They celebrated their first anniversary and Christy’s birthday, ran the Turkey Trot, attended the reunion, then sat in freezing rain for four hours watching the Bengals get routed.

 

Things we love about Philadelphia: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, National Treasure, cream cheese, and the Henrys. 

 

Newly engaged, Sarah and Stephen weathered falling rocks on the drive up from Asheville.  

 

Taking a break from mothering and baking cookies, Meghan and Katie show off their goods teeth.

 

Dills, K-Schwerdz & Marko guard the “Celebrate 98″ sign, still looking good after a decade in the Thorpe basement.

 

These two did not graduate from Sycamore but they have been featured in ads for LensCrafters.

 

The only picture we got of either Sweeney. Andy ducked out soon after to hit on strangers at UDF.

 

T-Pain did not graduate from Sycamore in 1998. Despite this he is a successful recording artist.

 

Since we failed to get either Emily or Gail on film last night, we took the liberty of digging into the Sycamore Public Schools photo library from their soccer playing days.

 

 

That’s Emily in the foreground executing a devastating version of the Poco de Gato. Gail, background, received a red card for berating a ref and tripping an opposing player. We love her anyway.

——————–

What was your high school (or college) reunion like? Help us relive all the awkward conversations in scintillatingly painful detail. And help us answer just a few of these questions: Do reunions get better with age? Did anyone rekindle an old flame? Just how satisfying was it to see that punk Jared Rosenberg gain 50 pounds? Didn’t hearing Deep Blue Something’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s take you waaay back? And what was the best line from Grosse Pointe Blank**? (Has there been a better movie about reunions than that one? Will anyone seriously make the case for Romy And Michele’s High School Reunion?) Comment now!

—–

* = Of course, this was not true of our friends, only our enemies***.

** = Our vote is when rival assassin Felix La PuBelle cons his way into the party by looking at a random name tag and saying, “It is I … Sidney Feldman.”

*** = You know who played the character of Paul Spericki in Grosse Pointe Blank? You guessed it.

Jeremy Piven, You Have Been Replaced

We have a new Cincinnati Bell spokesperson to hate.

I’m Nick Lachey, and I approve your cell phone carrier.

Cincinnati’s native son can be seen on local billboards wearing all green like an elf and promoting the fascist regime that is Cincinnati Bell.

We’re also no longer buying Hot Wheels.

Poll Results

Thanks to all who participated in the first Voreblog Readers Poll. (It was a nice round number of twenty, although some abstained from answering all of the questions. Apparently the Jeremy Piven question may have been too personal for some.) We invite ABC’s George Stephanopoulos to analyze the results with us.

 

The results are in. George breaks it down for us. On a black telephone.

 

Question #1. Who is your favorite member of Voreblog?

1. Scooter Thomas (55%)
2. Vincent D’Onofrio (20%)
3. Erin Vore (15%)
4. Ben Vore (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “Clearly, the people who read this blog do not do so because they particularly care for the Vores. I suspect they’re a rather disreputable pair with poor hygiene and negligent social skills. Scooter Thomas usually polls well no matter what. Voters like lethargic, chunky, disheveled-looking creatures who can be slightly condescending and have the ability to type. Hence Vincent D’Onofrio polling well too.”

2. Is Jeremy Piven a jerk or what?

1. Absolutely (63%)
2. Some of the time (21%)
3. Stop slandering his good, BW3-shillin’ name (11%)
4. No opinion (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “The results suggest that most of the Voreblog readership 1) hails from Cincinnati; 2) was once a Cincinnati Bell customer; 3) got food poisoning at BW3s; or 4) worked with Jeremy Piven during a commercial shoot. I couldn’t stand those interminable spots. Why does America passively accept such smug media personalities? I can’t fathom what the life of a slick, well-coiffed and conceited talking head is like. No idea. None.”

3. Harsh accusations have recently been leveled against Scooter Thomas. Do you:

1. Find them to be scurrilous attacks impugning his character (40%)
2. Agree with the substance of the charges and find Scooter Thomas to be a preening, snobbish toad (30%)
3. Just wish the candidates would talk about the issues (30%)

Stephanopoulos: “Again, people love Scooter Thomas, although a significant number of respondents point toward a potential Scooter Thomas backlash should he become further embroiled in scandal. I’ve heard whispers of voter fraud, though, coming from some shadowy special interest groups loosely affiliated with Mindless Comfort. I’d also note the craving for a more serious, substantive campaign this year, not just tit-for-tat and lipstick-on-a-pig and who-can-drink-a-gallon-of-milk-in-an-hour.”

4. The best TV show that the Vores watch and blog about is:

1. 30 Rock/Arrested Development (32%)
2. The Wire (16%)
3. Big Love (5%)
4. None of these (15%)

Stephanopoulos: “A dead heat between 30 Rock and Arrested Development. This is really an unsatisfying outcome. I want a WINNER. A tie is just two first-place losers. Whoever set this poll up better not be in control of our national election. I’m so worked up about this I just mussed my hair a little.”

5. On November 4th I will cast my vote for:

1. Barack Obama (58%)
2. John McCain (22%)
3. Joe the Plumber / Ted Nugent / A Jewish carpenter (5% apiece)

Stephanopoulos: “Obama fares better among the Voreblog demographic than in the nation at large, and I suspect that’s partly a result of third party candidates like Joe the Plumber, Ted Nugent and a Jewish carpenter really slicing away from McCain’s voting base more than Obama’s. If you replaced those three challengers with a human Voltron of Hillary Clinton, Rachel Maddow, Dennis Kucinich, Frank Rich and Jed Bartlet, then it’s a different ballgame.”

6. I find the Hold Steady’s music to be:

1. Other/indifferent (34%)
2. The most offensive, cacophonous dreck ever recorded (28%)
3. Aesthetically pleasing and fist-pumpingly good (22%)
4. Not as good as Jesse Malin (11%)
5. “Who the hell knows?” (5%)

Stephanopoulos: “What you see here is general apathy toward the existence of The Hold Steady (typified by the write-in response), and strong dislike from those who bother to care. I’ll refrain from interjecting my own musical preferences into this discussion except to add that two people who answered this question and comprised the 11% endorsing Jesse Malin have impeccable taste. Jesse Malin is the MAN. I’d give up my ABC gig in a heartbeat to be one of his roadies. A heartbeat. You just have no idea how offensive Diane Sawyer’s breath is.”

7. Our parents think we should have had kids yesterday. What do you think?

1. Don’t ever have kids unless you want to kiss a life of lesiure goodbye (36%)
2. Have kids now (32%)
3. Steal, like in Raising Arizona (32%)
4. Adopt / Have kids in five years (0%)

Stephanopoulos: “The Voreblog demographic seems to be split pretty evenly between people who despise babies (let’s call this demographic “swingin’ singles”), people who do not despise babies (“parents”), and amoral types who seem to think it’s appropriate to steal someone else’s child (also known as “Coen brothers fans”). I would not recommend letting these three groups intermingle and would strongly advise against showing up at a Vore house party. I’d venture it’s not a pretty sight.”

Poop, Cats and US Weekly

“Can you spare $128.11? I’ve already sold my Emmy.” 

 

Although we cancelled our wireless service with Cincinnati Bell several months ago, we still pay for Zoomtown, Cincinnati Bell’s Internet service. When this month’s bill arrived it was $128.11 — not, as we were anticipating, $31.95 plus tax.

We suspect a phone call something like this took place the morning after the Emmys.

CINCINNATI BELL CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Good morning, thank you for calling Cincinnati Bell. My name is Rebecca. How can I help you?

JEREMY PIVEN: Rebecca, it’s Jeremy Piven. You probably saw me on TV last night.

REBECCA: Jeremy! I sure did. I’m glad you took those hosts down a peg or two.

JEREMY: Yeah, listen, Rebecca. I need $128.11.

REBECCA: But Mr. Piven, you’re no longer a spokesperson with us.

JEREMY: I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE HARD, REBECCA.

REBECCA: And I think I can smell the alcohol on your breath through the phone.

JEREMY: Wait, where are my pants?

REBECCA: Plus you just won an Emmy. Your suit looked pretty nice too.

JEREMY: I’d rather not go into the details, but I need money. Fast.

REBECCA: I’m afraid I can’t just authorize giving you $128.11. 

JEREMY: Rebecca, have you ever crossed the Russian mafia?

REBECCA: Excuse me?

JEREMY: I didn’t think so. Listen, Rebecca, this is a matter of life or — why do I have BW3’s Mango Habanero sauce in my armpits?

REBECCA: Okay, Mr. Piven, here’s what I can do. Let me just riffle through some of our accounts and find an unsuspecting customer whom we can slap with an unnecessary charge. Here’s one that looks promising: Ben & Erin Vore. 

JEREMY: Oh I hate them.

REBECCA: Good. I suspect they’re sufficiently dense to not notice that we’ll continue to charge them for wireless service even though they cancelled it on July 25.

JEREMY: Yes! Brilliant!

REBECCA: Then when they write that check in a month I’ll wire you the money.

JEREMY: No, that won’t do! I need it now! Do you know what happens when you betray someone named The Greek? HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED “THE WIRE,” REBECCA??

REBECCA: Mr. Piven, calm down. If the Vores are late with their check, that’ll be an extra ten dollars in your pocket.

JEREMY: I don’t think you understand my — why is there a tattoo of Shia LaBeouf on my inner thigh?

REBECCA: I’m afraid this is the best I can do, Mr. Piven.

[Silence. Muffled sobs from the other end of the line.]

REBECCA: Mr. Piven, are you crying?

JEREMY [crying]: No.

REBECCA: You’re going to get through this. We’re going to get through this.

JEREMY: I suppose I can go on the lam for a month. I’ve got a friend who could do some cheap reconstructive surgery on my face to disguise my appearance. Do you think I’d look good with cheek implants?

REBECCA: I thought you already had cheek implants.

JEREMY: Anyway, the life of a fugitive can’t be worse than being a Versace salesman in Rush Hour 2.

REBECCA: Or your role as Herbert Hortz in Car 54, Where Are You? when even Daniel Baldwin got higher bidding than you.

JEREMY: That was a very dark period for me. If you remind me of that again, I’ll hunt you down with this bloody machete I somehow woke up with.

REBECCA: That’s the can-do spirit I expect from an Emmy winner!

Mixed Feelings

“I’d like to thank BW3’s for paying for this suit.”

 

Just because he wins another Emmy and calls out five totally inane hosts for the worst opening monologue ever doesn’t mean we’ve forgiven Jeremy Piven for endorsing Cincinnati Bell or Buffalo Wild Wings. But let’s give credit where credit is due.

Gotcha Capitalism: The Second Voreblog Readers Forum

We recently switched phone providers from Cincinnati Bell to Verizon, attempting in these tough economic times to save a few extra dollars wherever we can. In the long term this move may well indeed pay off. In the short term, our phone bill for the past month is three hundred twenty-three dollars and forty-seven cents for seven hundred anytime minutes. If you want that in numerical form: $323.47. Or $4.62 per minute. (We know a deal when we see one!)

The reason? Gotcha Capitalism.

Bob Sullivan, a consumer advocate who writes a blog for MSNBC.com called The Red Tape Chronicles, coined the term to describe all the ways companies nickel and dime you with hidden fees and trickster tactics. Then he wrote a book called Gotcha Capitalism that compiles many of the schemes and frauds you, the consumer, should be on the lookout for.

How did we get duped? We switched providers on July 25. Cincinnati Bell, whose virtue had been not requiring us to sign a contract in those impetuous days at our relationship’s start, slammed the door behind us by billing us a full month for five days of actual service. (Shame on you, Jeremy Piven.)

You would think, then, that we might enjoy the benefits of a full month of service (read: all of our anytime minutes) with Verizon even though we signed up five days into the month. Yes?

Well, no. The good folks at Verizon, as a show of thanks for joining their network, threw out the welcome mat by — unbeknownst to us — prorating our first month’s minutes. We were charged an extra $47.70 for going over our monthly allotment. (We had been sitting pretty at 693 anytime minutes.)

“We have to go to the store right now and correct this,” Erin said, rooting through the closet for an axe.

“I can straighten this out tomorrow,” Ben said. “I’m a little beat.”

“You know who else was beat?” Erin said. “Rocky. They said he was all washed up. They said he was a quitter.”

“Please,” Ben said as he got his keys, “anything but the Rocky speech.”

When we arrived, we had Bob Sullivan’s advice in mind (“You should be able to [state your complaint] in one or two sentences”) and, thankfully, no axe. We calmly explained that no one told us that our first month’s minutes would be prorated. We also couldn’t figure out why we were seemingly charged twice for monthly service.

“We really can’t do anything about that here,” the man — Nick — told us. Below Nick’s nametag was a red ribbon that said, MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IS YOUR EXPERIENCE. “You’re best off calling Verizon to get it straightened out.”

We looked around, slightly confused. Weren’t we in a Verizon store? Why did we have to call Verizon?

“We’re not authorized to change billing,” Nick explained. He shrugged. Nick’s number one priority did not appear to be loving his job.

We called Verizon. A very nice woman named Lisa explained to us that Verizon bills you ahead of service, like a mortgage or rent payment, which Cincinnati Bell did not do. Hence we were paying for August and September in one bill.

“They should’ve explained that to you when you signed up,” Lisa said. “They always forget to tell you that.”

What about those prorated minutes? “They also should have told you about that. Did they not tell you?”

Hell no, Lisa.

“Hmmm. Let me take care of that for you.”

Sullivan says that only one in five successfully get refunds with phone companies when it comes to bill disputes. Thank you, Lisa. You’re a sweetheart.

——————–

When have you been the victim of Gotcha Capitalism? What savvy know-how can you impart to fellow Voreblog readers? The name of the game is information. If any of you get chump changed switching cell phone providers like we did, we’ll be very disappointed. Our loss is your gain. Comment below with your own hard-won wisdom!