We acknowledged a couple weeks back that we are not Jay Leno fans. Last night after “The Biggest Loser” we were lying in bed, too lazy to change the channel, and soon found ourselves transfixed by the awfulness of “The Jay Leno Show.” Below is a rough transcript of his opening monologue with our running color commentary.
[Opening montage, with pictures of young Jay transforming into old Jay. JAY and JAY'S CHIN walk through some corporate-looking glass doors. (?) JAY walks to the front of the stage, at which point AUDIENCE in lowest tier of seats stumble forward like drunk cattle so JAY can touch them. (?) JAY walks the rope line and bestows his healing touch. JAY'S CHIN accidentally maims an elderly woman.]
[All of ERIN and BEN's commentary should be read with sardonic weariness. If you have a hard time hearing that particular voice, just imagine someone named "Chet" talking. Or, if you've ever heard Sweeneyblog impersonate Winnie the basset hound, that.]
JAY LENO: Welcome to the program. Well, I’m sure you know by now — it looks like that whole balloon thing was just — that fiasco — was just a huge hoax. Yeah. The bad news for Dodgers fans, last night’s game was real, that was not a hoax. Oh, man. Not good.
[Laughter mixed with groans from Dodgers' fans.]
KEVIN EUBANKS: That was a great game.
JAY: That was a heartbreaker. That’s why they call it Dodger Blue, they were choking, not getting any oxygen. [to KEVIN] Did you watch the game?
KEVIN: Of course. It was a great game.
JAY: You were still busy thinking about Serena, that’s what it was.
KEVIN: Well you gave me the magazine!
ERIN and BEN: [??]
JAY: Well, the latest on the whole balloon boy thing, it turns out the balloon was actually a model of a UFO. That’s what that they were building. Apparently the kids were making it with their dad, it was a project they all did together. See, that’s something I never could have done with my dad. Because my dad had something called a job.
[Employed AUDIENCE laughs and applauds. Some whistle.]
ERIN: Good one, Jay. Way to make fun of millions of unemployed Americans.
JAY: Now they’re saying there’s a good chance balloon boy’s father could wind up going to jail. Let me tell you something, they do a whole different version of “Wife Swap” in jail.
BEN: Sodomy. Hilarious.
JAY: And now the Learning Channel is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract. Now here’s my question. What are Jon and Kate doing on the Learning Channel?
ERIN: Way to go, Jay. Divorce is a real knee-slapper. Let’s make light of that.
JAY: I mean, what do you learn? The only I learned from watching “Jon And Kate Plus Eight” is “wear a condom.” That’s the only thing. I ever learned. Watching that stupid show.
[More uproarious laughter, applause. The ELDERLY WOMAN previously attacked by JAY'S CHIN is doubled over, guffawing.]
BEN: Bravo, Jay. Procreation comedy. Real cutting-edge.
JAY: Well, big news from the White House. Federal agents are no longer going after patients taking medical marijuana or their suppliers under the new guidelines by the Obama administration. President Obama, very smart. He figures he couldn’t appease the left by withdrawing from Iraq or closing Gitmo or repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Well this way they’ll all be too stoned to care.
ERIN: Yeah, we’re all stoners Jay. You tell ‘em.
JAY: President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News.
[Slightly less spirited chuckling.]
BEN: Pass the hashish, honey.
JAY: You probably heard this story. A high school in Chicago, 115 of 800 students in the school are pregnant. Yeah. Apparently their motto? “Yes we can.”
ERIN: Nothing’s funnier than premarital sex, Jay.
JAY: Well here’s some good terrorist gossip. Osama bin Laden’s first wife has written a book about him. Typical ex-wife, always make the guy look like the bad one.
[AUDIENCE ponders if that's the joke.]
JAY: No, Osama bin Laden’s first wife and her son have written a book about her marriage. The son said that Bin Laden would get angry if they turned on the air conditioner. So in a lot of ways Bin Laden just sounds like a typical dad.
[AUDIENCE looks at itself, unsure about clapping. Someone winds the key in KEVIN EUBANKS' back. He responds with a chuckle.]
JAY: When it comes to thermostats, all dads become fanatical tyrants. Why is that?
[AUDIENCE exchanges non-verbal cues, agrees to deliver mercy laugh.]
[ERIN looks at BEN, who begins clapping slowly, eyes closed as he nods approvingly.]
JAY: Oh, this is interesting. Did you know Bin Laden’s first wife was also his first cousin?
[Those in AUDIENCE who disapprove of incest chime in with "eeeeewwww!"]
JAY: That doesn’t sound like Al-Qeada. That sounds like Alabama.
BEN: Way to offend millions of Alabamans, Jay. Just cross them off your viewership list.
JAY: And according to yesterday morning’s USA Today, more and more people are being cremated. That seems to be the thing now. Usually in groups of eleven while wearing Tennessee Titans uniforms.
[SCOOTER THOMAS barfs up hairball on bed.]
JAY: No, no, that’s what it says. More and more people are going to cremation because of the expense involved. So much cheaper than a regular burial. In fact, dying is so expensive now that a lot of people are just putting it off indefinitely. They’ll wait until the market goes up.
[KEVIN emits chuckle before coils spring out of his back.]
JAY: No actually, a lot of people go to cremation because of the cost. But at lot of people aren’t sure, like me. Like I’m going to do both, that’s what you do. Half of me will be cremated, my ashes will be tossed into the ocean at sunset, you see. The other half will be buried in the cemetery. This is what the funeral homes call the “Surf-and-Turf Package.”
[ERIN pulls imaginary noose over head, tilts head to side, closes eyes and sticks tongue out of mouth.]
[EMT workers race through the audience applying paddles to audience members who have flatlined.]
JAY: A 45-year-old Texas woman is being held for observation after living in an apartment with her dead boyfriend for more than a week. Guy was pretty smart, he avoided the whole marriage and commitment thing and went straight to “til death do us part.”
BEN: I knew we’d get a necrophilia joke.
JAY: Hey Kev!
STAGEHAND STICKING HIS HAND UP KEVIN’S BACK AND MANIPULATING KEVIN’S MOUTH: What’s up, Jay?
JAY: You know why he didn’t marry her? He had cold feet.
[JAY'S CHIN lodges official protest, drops off JAY's face.]
[ERIN begins crying.]
[BEN looks for oven to put head in.]
[AUDIENCE speed dials DR. JACK KEVORKIAN.]
[Stage cracks open. DEMONS FROM HELL pull KEVIN'S dead body into crevice before stage closes up again.]
[Blood runs out of TV box and onto screen. Sparks fly out back of TV.]
[ALIEN SHIPS fly over White House, Statue of Liberty, all major monuments, obliterate them with lasers.]
We won’t even touch the JMZ segment with Mikey Day.