Adventureland

The Vores give Adventureland two thumbs up!

 

BEN: There were about five things going for this movie right out of the gate. One: It’s set in western Pennsylvania. Two: It was filmed at Kennywood, Pittsburgh’s premiere amusement park attraction. Three: It stars Jesse Eisenberg, whose character James is a close relative of the character Eisenberg played in the exceptional The Squid & The Whale. Four: Yo La Tengo did the score. Five: The vintage 80s soundtrack includes The Velvet Underground, The Cure, The Rolling Stones, Big Star, Hüsker Dü and David Bowie.

ERIN: I would add one more item to that list: The comedic duo of Bill Heder and Kristen Wiig, the husband-and-wife team running Adventureland. My favorite scene involved the two of them making prize bananas with googly eyes and an eye patch.

BEN: When I saw them in the trailer I’ll admit that I expected the movie to be more slapstick, especially since it was directed by Greg Mottola, whose last film was Superbad.

ERIN: It certainly wasn’t raunchy like Superbad.

BEN: It wasn’t. What it was is exactly the kind of dry, bittersweet, coming-of-age summer love story that I’m a sucker for.

ERIN: You are a sucker for those. 

BEN: Being somewhat a child of the late 80s, do you think perhaps I am the target audience and that my estimation of the film could be inflated?

ERIN: You’re really more a child of the early 90s, but I do not think Adventureland’s charms are exclusive to your particular demographic. 

BEN: Speaking of Superbad, do you think Eisenberg’s character James was separated at birth from Michael Cera?

ERIN: Yes, but he was more like the “Arrested Development”/George Michael Michael Cera than the Superbad/Evan Michael Cera.

BEN: He also had a slightly more intellectual bent. I mean, he did have a bachelor’s degree in comparative lit with a Renaissance-studies minor.

ERIN: His character kind of reminded me of you.

BEN: Wait, is that a good thing?

ERIN: Yeah. You should take it as a compliment.

BEN: Seeing him made me keep comparing this film to The Squid & The Whale.

ERIN: Which one comes out on top?

BEN: Well, they’re very different films. Adventureland was more light-hearted. It had a gentler ending.

ERIN: The ending was perfect.

BEN: Let’s not reveal it here so as not to spoil it.

ERIN: Fair.

BEN: The Squid & The Whale was darker and far less of a crowd-pleaser, although I think it had a perfect ending too.

ERIN: It was more provocative. But Adventureland was perfect for a vacation movie. I loved it.

BEN: I expect we’ll be seeing it in the Vore DVD library sometime before the end of the year.

ERIN: I expect we will. Speaking of vacations, isn’t Katie Stratman the perfect host?

BEN: She is a host par excellence. Although I have eaten about thirty-two of her famous cookies since we arrived.

ERIN: That’s like a cookie an hour.

BEN: She also paid for our movie tickets!

ERIN: That she did.

BEN: Can you think of any reason not to want to come to Denver and stay with Katie Stratman?

ERIN: I have thought long and hard on this, and the conclusion I have reached is “No.”

BEN: Fair.

ERIN: Highs and lows of the trip so far?

BEN: Two words: Tattered. Cover.

ERIN: I’ve gotta go with brunch at Lucile’s Creole Cafe.

BEN: I never thought I would say this, but I would kill somebody in cold blood to get more of those biscuits.

ERIN: Lows?

BEN: Aside from that two-year-old on the plane?

ERIN: Oh yeah. Say no more.

2008: Highs & Lows

We are writing our year-end post from the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio, where our car broke down tonight after we drove over a nail and got a flat tire. Since checking in, we’ve been debating what exactly La Quinta is Spanish for. We previously believed it was Spanish for “The Plunger,” based on our experience at the La Quinta in Gainesville, Florida, where Ben clogged the toilet not five minutes after checking in. Since our room did not have a plunger, Ben had to inquire at the front desk, where he was informed that La Quinta stocked exactly one plunger, which the front desk attendant handed to Ben in front of six other people waiting in line. “Should I return this here?” Ben asked. “No, we’ll pick it up later if just leave it outside your room,” the attendant said. “Sort of like a scarlet A,” Ben said. “Like a what?” the attendant said. “Nothing. Thank you,” Ben said. After plunging the toilet, Ben left the plunger outside the door. It was still there two days later when we checked out.

Moving on. 2008’s highs and lows.

LOWS

• We spend the night of December 30 at the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio.*
• There is absolutely nothing good on TV.
• There is no plunger in our room.

HIGHS

• We did get a special AAA rate on our room.
• The Animal Planet Channel just showed a man kissing a shark, resulting in the shark biting the man’s mouth, resulting in thirty-five stitches.
• We just saw a commercial for Snuggies. This may actually be the number one highlight of our year.

OTHER HIGHS

• We celebrated our first year as homeowners.

LOWS

• Erin found many, many more things to worry about.
• Also, we got robbed in March.
• And a squirrel named Beelzebub defaced our pumpkin.

HIGHS

• Many of our friends became first-time parents.
• We both volunteered with College Summit.
• We were on cloud nine November 5th. 

LOWS

• The Utah Jazz did not win an NBA championship.
• And now Carlos Boozer is going to undergo arthroscopic knee surgery.
• Ben is in next-to-last place in his NBA fantasy league because he took Boozer in round three and Kevin Martin in round five.

HIGHS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

LOWS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

HIGHS

• We were introduced to “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

LOWS

• We failed walk-on tryouts for the Philadelphia Eagles to one of those cursed McPoyles.
• We sold our shares of Paddy’s to Mac for half a sandwich.
• We lost ownership of Paddy’s when a hobo beat us at a dance marathon.

HIGHS

• We successfully completed the 10k Turkey Trot.
• We successfully completed the Music City Half-Marathon.
• The baboon heart transplant was a huge success.

LOWS

• Ben got two — now three — flat tires.
• Erin got a speeding ticket.
• We were finally nailed for tax evasion and served 20 years.
• Also, Christian Bale’s family continues to be crazy. (He deserves so much better.)

HIGHS

• We took trips to Missouri, Portland and–

 

Pardon us. Scooter Thomas has just asked to say a few words.

LOWS FOR SCOOTER THOMAS

• I could not protect my owners’ home from a break-in.
• I am scared by the doorbell.
• I had to go to the vet.
• I could not conquer the infernal red pen light.
• My Kitty Hooch no longer has the same potency as it did in June, and my owners have not bought me a new one.
• My portfolio is shot.
• My 401k is hemorrhaging money.
• I wake in the morning with a sense of impending doom, exacerbated by the fact my food dish is almost never replenished in a timely manner and–

 

[The Vores take the computer back from Scooter Thomas.]

 

Sorry about that.

HIGHS

• We kicked our glue-sniffing habit.
• We are in contract negotiations to become sponsors for Snuggies.
• Another twelve months without Hirschsprung’s disease!

LOWS

• Our indie rock band “The Lawn Wranglers” was a bust.
• Nick Lachey became a spokesman for Cincinnati Bell.
• Ben’s peg leg continues to rot.

MORE LOWS

• Now That’s What I Call Christmas! CD a huge disappointment.
• Erin’s scurvy continues to be a major social stigma.
• We have been banned from Cracker Barrels nationwide after that little incident in February.

YET MORE SPIRIT-CRUSHING LOWS

• We did not get a pony for Christmas.
• Our cameo in Iron Man ended up on the cutting room floor.
• Nobody bothered to tell us that pegging your jeans stopped being cool in 1990.

LET’S END ON A HIGH

• We get a free continental breakfast tomorrow morning.

 

Thank you, La Quinta. Spanish for “life saver.”

 

We’re off until next Monday. See you in 2009.

 

—–

* = Scott Guldin, we know a sign when we see one. We will never stand you up again.

The Great Cincinnati Blackout of Aught Eight Highs & Lows

LOWS

• We lost power.
• Our day at Kings Island was cut short.
• We didn’t get any $&%@#* free Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

HIGHS

• We got power back in two days.
• Our house sustained no damage.
• The items in our freezer are no longer invitations to marital dischord.

LOWS

• The neighbors across the street with a four-year-old and one-year-old still don’t have power.
• They sit out on the porch with a single candle and pouty expressions, staring bullets of guilt into our soul.
• Someone spray-painted ELECTRICITY HOGS on the side of our house last night.

HIGHS

• We learned what it meant to live without for a few days and glimpsed an inner simplicty of the soul.

LOWS

• Inner simplicity of the soul is no match for flippin’ cold showers.

THESE WERE LOWS TOO

• Scooter Thomas has watched Rambo: First Blood six times this week.
• Peter Bronson apparently thinks Cincinnati is ready to take on a hurricane.
• Cincinnati.com chose, for reasons unbeknownst to us, this picture to accompany the lead blackout article on its homepage today.

 

 

There is no caption or explanation as to who this woman is or why she is symbolic of our good city as it recovers from Blackout 08. We are left to guess at the meaning here: CINCINNATIANS LIGHT CANDLES TO COMBAT DARKNESS. Or maybe, TIE-DYE SHIRTS NOT ENOUGH IN BLACKOUT.

A HIGH

• This blog is not based out of Galveston or Houston, or — for that matter — Baghdad

A LOW

• This blog is not based out of Bermuda.

MORE PICTURES WITHOUT CAPTIONS ON CINCINNATI.COM THAT WE ARE GOING TO SUPPLY CAPTIONS FOR

Deborah Hildenbrand, right, excoriates a Duke Energy employee who has not slept for three days because the Hildenbrands lost a Honeybaked Ham to the blackout.

 

Randy Rosenberg does the heavy lifting cleaning up after the storm, while his mother, Hilda, rakes the same pile of leaves for an hour before going inside to make more Crystal Light.

 

In the contest of Tree vs. House, Tree imposes its will on weaker competitor.

 

Great, the pool party is cancelled.

 

These people need better reasons to party.

Summer Highs & Lows

We like to play a little game, usually on Sunday evenings over dinner or a walk, called “Highs & Lows.” It’s pretty much exactly what the name implies: we share the highs and lows of our past week. Occasionally we take a broader look back over a season or calendar year. Today being Labor Day, let’s reflect now on the Highs and Lows that our summer had to offer.

HIGHS

• We made trips to Portland, West Virginia, Pittsburgh and Missouri.
• The Guldin family came to visit.
• Vincent D’Onofrio continues to bring justice to the greater New York area.

LOWS

• Erin got a speeding ticket.
• We paid money to see The X-Files: I Want To Believe.
• We sat behind people who narrated the entire movie for us.

HIGHS

• Lots of our friends are now parents.
• Polls indicate we are the hipster aunt and uncle of choice.
• And as for our personal parenting, most of our plants survived the summer, giving us much-needed momentum heading into summer 2009.

LOWS

• We still have not gotten our computer back. (The trial was rescheduled for the end of this month.)
• Ben’s peg leg is beginning to rot.
• The smell is unholy awful.

HIGHS

• Our house did not get broken into for the fifth straight month.
• Neither of us pooped the bed for the third straight month.
• Back-to-back months: gout free!

LOWS

• We got two flat tires. (Both Ben.)
• Erin was dq’d in her Olympics fencing match at Beijing.
• In a rage, she speared an innocent baby panda.

MORE LOWS THAT JUST NOW OCCURRED TO US

• We were yet again overlooked as two of People’s “Most Beautiful People.”
• Erin’s job offer to be an analyst for “Baseball Tonight” fell through when she failed a literacy test.
• We were indicted on tax fraud.

EVEN MORE CRIPPLING LOWS

• That debilitating botulism that kept us bedridden for all of June.
• The expired mayonnaise in the back of the fridge that almost ate Scooter Thomas.
• Now 2008! Spring/Summer CD did not live up to expectations.

THERE’S GOTTA BE A HIGH WE LEFT OUT

• Oh yeah, we joined the Y!
• We are on our way to rock hard abs.