Christian Bale and Jeremy Davies: Two guys who have gotten disgustingly skinny just to make a movie.

As you may have already heard, somebody dies this episode. So we’ll hum and dance for a moment to allow you to decide, if in fact you have not already seen “The Variable,” whether or not to continue reading. Hey, did you see that T-Mobile ad last night with the woman driving in the desert who pulls over, grabs a chainsaw out of the trunk and proceeds to cut down a telephone poll, which falls over and pulls another pole down, then another, and so on like a row of dominoes? It’s a dumb ad. The woman is wearing a tiny dress, which is hardly appropriate apparel for operating dangerous equipment. And who channels her rage over high home phone bills by taking it out on our already fragile public infrastructure? That’s hardly a constructive way of dealing with one’s anger. But what’s really dumb is the small print that appears at the bottom of the screen as the chainsaw is cutting into the telephone pole. The text reads: “T-Mobile does not encourage vandalism. Do not attempt.” Really, T-Mobile? Don’t you have a bylaw stating that any company ad which requires this kind of fine print disclaimer should automatically be canned? Next thing you know Jeremy Piven will be hawking T-Mobile products.

Ahem. Hopefully that gave the hesitant enough time to get off the fence. Pressing forward then.

Eloise Hawking is a terrible mother. For maybe the first time in the entire show, we have a character with mommy issues, not daddy ones. Poor Daniel Faraday. He might’ve been a great pianist, or at least a solid keyboardist for Drive Shaft. But his mother closes the lid on the piano keys and looks deeply disappointed that Daniel should ever experience a shred of what the rest of us call “fun” or “joy.” Presumably she made him keep his braces on an extra six years just to ensure he never got a date to prom. 

We also think Fionnula Flanagan, who plays Eloise Hawking, may be our least favorite actor on “Lost.” She plays Eloise to the point of camp: the arched eyebrows, the sinister smirking. She lays everything on real thick. There’s nothing especially complicated about her character — she’s just manipulative and evil. So is Widmore, but Alan Dale shades his character with a little more subtlety. When he talks to John Locke in the Tunisian hospital, you understand why Locke might believe Widmore’s version of events. 

That’s not to say that Eloise Hawking the character isn’t as formidable a monster as any father yet seen on the show. She has used her son as a pawn in a chess game we still don’t understand yet, withholding her approval and being awfully nasty to a potential daughter-in-law just to get what she wants from Daniel. If we’re supposed to feel conflicted by the “sacrifice” she alludes to when talking with Widmore outside the hospital, it’s difficult to do so when we don’t know for what (or whom) she’s actually sacrificing. Her inscription in Daniel’s journal reads, “No matter what, remember I will always love you. Mom.” Apparently her pen ran out of ink before she could add, “P.S. I will kill you.”

What does she gain by killing her son? Hopefully we’ll find out soon, but until then this episode left us dissatisfied. Talk about a downer. Quixotic Daniel, the one man who seemed capable of outthinking the island, gets rubbed out by mum and pop. Before he goes he does set into motion several key events, notably planting a seed of doubt in Dr. Chang’s mind (and introducing him to his son Miles). He also tragically reenacts his scary old man speech to Charlotte at the swingset. Is this a heroic gesture that will (for the time being) save Charlotte? Or just one more instance of Daniel’s “Whatever Happened, Happened” theory eclipsing Daniel’s own free will? “We can’t be so naive as to think nothing can happen to us,” Daniel tells Jack as Jack treats his neck wound. “Any one of us can die, Jack.” And so one does.

The good news, at least if you’re Mike Allen: Next week’s episode, “Follow the Leader,” showcases … you guessed it … Richard Alpert. And possibly The Templars. Stay tuned.

Christian Bale has apologized for his outburst. And Matthew Leathers called it when he said, “[Bale is] so stinkin’ method it’s ridiculous”:

During the interview, Bale explained that he had been trying to summon an air of madness for his character John Connor, who is trying to save the human race from the evil Skynet computers. “I was trying to show a little of that in the blood craziness. It went very wrong. . . ,” Bale said. “I made it ugly. That was awful of me. I took it way too far. I mixed up fact and fiction. I’m half John Connor there. I’m half Christian there.”

So, the half of Christian responsible for the tirade has come clean. We’ll wait for John Connor to issue his formal apology soon.

Christian — who called in to L.A. radio station KROQ to make his mea culpa — also had this bit of wisdom to share:

“Please, I want to make it clear. I am embarrassed by it. I regret it. I ask everybody to sit down and ask themselves if they have ever had a bad day and lost their temper and really regretted it immensely.”

We took Christian’s advice and sat down and asked ourselves if we’ve ever had a bad day and lost our temper and really regretted it immensely. And the answer, of course, was, “Sure — who hasn’t?” We’re not going to cast stones when someone slips up and drops the f-bomb 36 times in 4 minutes! We’ve doubled that amount in half the time before!

So today we’re recommending that you follow our lead (and Christian’s) and apologize to someone in your life who you’ve dressed down, John Connor-style. It could be a colleague, it could be your spouse, it could be your obese, good-for-nothing cat. Think of who that person is, and then instead of apologizing to them directly, call in to your local radio station and come clean. We already called in to 700 AM WLW this morning. If you missed it, and you are among those who needed an apology from us, we’ll recap here quickly:

To You Know Who You Are: Sorry for that thing we did with the thing.

To The Woman Driving A Tan Accord On Camargo Road: We acted rashly, and we apologize for that. We hope you’ve managed to get out of the ditch by now.

Ben, To His Coworkers: Sorry for all the goat blood in the breakroom.

To Those People We Burned At The Stake: Forgive us for showing a little of that blood craziness. Just bad timing all around.

To Jeremy Piven: We’d forgive you for everything if you deserved it. You don’t.

To Pittsburgh Steelers Fans: You are all total jerks, and we’re still waiting for your apology to us.

To The Girl Scouts Outside Kroger: Sorry for kicking you in the shins and stealing your Do-Si-Dos.

To Cousin Sally: Sorry we said your baby looked like “a rotten potato.”

Erin, To Ben: Sorry about waking you up at 3 a.m. with that ballistic sulfur missile. 

Ben, To Erin: Sorry, I thought it was my thong.

To The Owner Of The Great Dane Who Pooped In Our Yard: So sorry to hear of your vehicular troubles. Who knows how all that horse manure ended up in your gas tank?

To The Owner Of The Farm Down The Road: Sorry we took your horse.

To President Obama: Sorry for the embarrassment of our Senate hearing. We truly thought we had taken care of those hundred thousand dollars in back taxes. 

To Scooter Thomas: Sorry we blamed all those tax errors on you.

To Christian Bale: Sorry we ever doubted you. We never did.

Christian Bale reportedly vents some holy anger.

Another Christian Bale kerfuffle! Apparently he went off on Shane Hurlbut, director of photography for Terminator: Salvation. (With a name like Hurlbut, doesn’t he deserve it?)

The graf we’d like to call attention to from the article is this one:

“I want you off the [expletive] set, you [expletive],” the man whose voice is believed to be Bale’s says.

“Believed to be”? Can you convict a man on “believed to be”?

There are links everywhere to the audio of this tirade, but we don’t advise you seeking them out unless your tolerance level for cursing is very, very high. (Whoever this purported “Christian Bale” is, he sure likes the f-bomb.)

Until Christian himself calls us to confirm that he sorta kinda got a little upset, we are casting no stones.

UPDATE: A friend of mine (Erin) wrote to ask “if a man who says the F-word over 36 times in a 4-minute span is less sexy.” Is he? I responded that, although I never thought I’d say it, I hope Bale was messed up on crack. Or meth. Meth would make you do something that horrible. Surely this episode will weed out those fairweather fans of Bale.  

UPDATE II: Still no phone call from Christian, but his guilt here seems all but certain. And now it’s gone viral: L.A. producer RevoLucian has remixed Christian’s tirade to obscene but amusing affect. Disclaimer: Do not play this at work. Do not play this around children. Do not play this in front of the Pope. Oh, Christian.

[photo: https://www.paninicomics.de]

There’s one resolution we left off our list from a week ago. Being former English majors, we have a deep and abiding respect for proper attribution of sources. To date, however, we have not been documenting the numerous sites from around the Web from which we (quite liberally) “borrow” photographs. Starting today, we resolve to cite our sources. Instead of noting the source directly below the photograph, however, we will do so at the bottom of the post. (See example below for this photograph of Christian Bale from Equilibrium.)

Christian Bale demonstrates the nimble art of gun karate, or “Gun Kata.”

How are we doing so far on our other resolutions, you ask? We have cooked most of our meals at home, although Ben has still basically been heating things up. But he’s 100 pages into Omnivore’s Dilemma, and we just bought a copy of Eat This, Not That: The Supermarket Survival Guide today. (Bad news if you like Reduced Fat Wheat Thins, Bertolli frozen meals and Basic 4 cereal. Or Starburst Fruit Chews.*)

Meanwhile, Erin has worked out six times and Ben has run 24 miles in two weeks. But fellow colleague and Ben look-a-like Dave Powell, who also got a Nike + iPod for Christmas, is training for a full marathon and is running 24 miles a week, which puts Ben to shame. 

We have not adopted a kitten or cleaned our colons yet.

[photo: http://www.gameaxis.com/img/blog/2123/Image/equilibrium.jpg]

—–

* = Did you know that if you had one Starburst serving a day (8 pieces) for a whole year that you would gain 21.5 pounds of body fat? That’s more than a Scooter Thomas of additional body fat. We’re off to vomit now.

I (Erin) am a fan of Sarah Vowell.  

I like her look; she reminds me of MTV’s Daria way back when. I like the way she talks. You may remember the pin-thin, dark-haired daughter in The Incredibles, the one who sounded like you’d imagine a sad, bespectacled, awkward teenager to sound? Yup, that was 33-year-old Vowell’s vocal chords at work.  

I also like her writing. In Assassination Vacation, she made a cross-country road trip during which she toted her nephew to locations where ill-fated Presidents lived and died seem like enormous amounts of fun. The Partly Cloudy Patriot was also funny, irreverent and informative, although the details of that book are a little hazier for me.  

Her newest book, The Wordy Shipmates, chronicles the arrival of the Puritans aboard the good ship Arbella and the decades thereafter, long before America declared independence. Only ten years separated these Massachusetts-bound Puritans from their Plymouth Rock forebears, but the differences between the two groups were significant, and they all boiled down to faith. The Puritans of Vowell’s book were Nonseparatists, meaning they wanted to fix the Church of England from within. The earlier settlers wanted to part ways completely.  

Vowell is obsessed with one Puritan in particular: John Winthrop, who delivered the sermon “A Model of Christian Charity,” echoes of which have been found in many a modern Presidential speech. I don’t recall learning about John Winthrop in grade school, much less his arch-rival Roger Williams or that mouthy she-devil Anne Hutchinson. I remember what most people (at least us non-history majors) remember: Squanto, the Mayflower, Thanksgiving, those construction paper tee-pees that my mom has in a box somewhere. As I got older, I remember learning about the utterly bum deal that Native Americans got, but still no John Winthrop. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention. (And for the record, Vowell does an excellent job of bringing the tragic Pequot massacre [700 men, women, and children burned alive inside their fort] to life after a series of avoidable miscommunications transpired between several tribes, the British, and the Dutch.)

The common thread throughout Shipmates is Winthrop’s vision of a “city upon a hill.” Despite his hope for the new life this city symbolized, he endured endless frustration trying to achieve it. Disease, war and religion kept getting in the way (not to mention a months-long case of laryngitis). In one sense, he counted himself lucky to have made the trek; others less fortunate literally had limbs of their bodies freeze to the ship.* 

Winthrop comes off as a charitable man who wants to share in other’s joys and sorrows. (Martin Luther King Jr. hearkened back to Winthrop’s sermon in his Letter From a Birmingham Jail.) At times, though, Winthrop was as cutthroat and merciless as Christian Bale in Equilibrium.** He banishes people from the colony. In the middle of the winter. Without a La Quinta to shelter their frozen heads.

The most interesting thing to read about was Winthrop’s rivalry with Roger Williams (also eventually banished). Both men had opposing views about the direction of the church: Winthrop thrived in community and was more worried about his reputation, while Williams wanted to serve God at any price, even if it meant a lonely, isolated existence. Despite their differences, it was Winthrop who warned Williams about his impending banishment, allowing Williams time to hightail it out of Boston. Ironically, Williams ended up living in close proximity to Native Americans, learning to communicate with several different tribes and coming to a belief that few British held at the time: that this land was not ours to take (a belief which made his participation in the Pequot massacre all the more sad).  

I’m still no Puritan expert, but I feel confident enough to casually toss Winthrop’s name into cocktail conversation if I feel the need to appear “smart” or not “stupid as an ox” as my dad used to say.*** That Vowell can capture my attention about a few people in the 1600s and actually make me chortle and snort is no small feat. If you’re in the mood for a little history (read: hot Protestants, crop rotation, and sassy broads) then this little gem is for you.  

—–

*= My feet get super cold in the winter. Like Russian tundra cold. At night, as soon as we get under the covers, I like to put my feet on Ben’s calves because his calves are warm. This irritates Ben, but it makes me feel less like my feet might freeze to a piece of our furniture.

** = Even as a Christian Bale fan, I advise you not to see this movie.

*** = My dad never said this. My mom did.  

We are writing our year-end post from the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio, where our car broke down tonight after we drove over a nail and got a flat tire. Since checking in, we’ve been debating what exactly La Quinta is Spanish for. We previously believed it was Spanish for “The Plunger,” based on our experience at the La Quinta in Gainesville, Florida, where Ben clogged the toilet not five minutes after checking in. Since our room did not have a plunger, Ben had to inquire at the front desk, where he was informed that La Quinta stocked exactly one plunger, which the front desk attendant handed to Ben in front of six other people waiting in line. “Should I return this here?” Ben asked. “No, we’ll pick it up later if just leave it outside your room,” the attendant said. “Sort of like a scarlet A,” Ben said. “Like a what?” the attendant said. “Nothing. Thank you,” Ben said. After plunging the toilet, Ben left the plunger outside the door. It was still there two days later when we checked out.

Moving on. 2008’s highs and lows.

LOWS

• We spend the night of December 30 at the La Quinta Inn in Grove City, Ohio.*
• There is absolutely nothing good on TV.
• There is no plunger in our room.

HIGHS

• We did get a special AAA rate on our room.
• The Animal Planet Channel just showed a man kissing a shark, resulting in the shark biting the man’s mouth, resulting in thirty-five stitches.
• We just saw a commercial for Snuggies. This may actually be the number one highlight of our year.

OTHER HIGHS

• We celebrated our first year as homeowners.

LOWS

• Erin found many, many more things to worry about.
• Also, we got robbed in March.
• And a squirrel named Beelzebub defaced our pumpkin.

HIGHS

• Many of our friends became first-time parents.
• We both volunteered with College Summit.
• We were on cloud nine November 5th. 

LOWS

• The Utah Jazz did not win an NBA championship.
• And now Carlos Boozer is going to undergo arthroscopic knee surgery.
• Ben is in next-to-last place in his NBA fantasy league because he took Boozer in round three and Kevin Martin in round five.

HIGHS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

LOWS

• The Hold Steady released a new album.

HIGHS

• We were introduced to “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”

LOWS

• We failed walk-on tryouts for the Philadelphia Eagles to one of those cursed McPoyles.
• We sold our shares of Paddy’s to Mac for half a sandwich.
• We lost ownership of Paddy’s when a hobo beat us at a dance marathon.

HIGHS

• We successfully completed the 10k Turkey Trot.
• We successfully completed the Music City Half-Marathon.
• The baboon heart transplant was a huge success.

LOWS

• Ben got two — now three — flat tires.
• Erin got a speeding ticket.
• We were finally nailed for tax evasion and served 20 years.
• Also, Christian Bale’s family continues to be crazy. (He deserves so much better.)

HIGHS

• We took trips to Missouri, Portland and–

Pardon us. Scooter Thomas has just asked to say a few words.

LOWS FOR SCOOTER THOMAS

• I could not protect my owners’ home from a break-in.
• I am scared by the doorbell.
• I had to go to the vet.
• I could not conquer the infernal red pen light.
• My Kitty Hooch no longer has the same potency as it did in June, and my owners have not bought me a new one.
• My portfolio is shot.
• My 401k is hemorrhaging money.
• I wake in the morning with a sense of impending doom, exacerbated by the fact my food dish is almost never replenished in a timely manner and–

[The Vores take the computer back from Scooter Thomas.]

Sorry about that.

HIGHS

• We kicked our glue-sniffing habit.
• We are in contract negotiations to become sponsors for Snuggies.
• Another twelve months without Hirschsprung’s disease!

LOWS

• Our indie rock band “The Lawn Wranglers” was a bust.
• Nick Lachey became a spokesman for Cincinnati Bell.
• Ben’s peg leg continues to rot.

MORE LOWS

• Now That’s What I Call Christmas! CD a huge disappointment.
• Erin’s scurvy continues to be a major social stigma.
• We have been banned from Cracker Barrels nationwide after that little incident in February.

YET MORE SPIRIT-CRUSHING LOWS

• We did not get a pony for Christmas.
• Our cameo in Iron Man ended up on the cutting room floor.
• Nobody bothered to tell us that pegging your jeans stopped being cool in 1990.

LET’S END ON A HIGH

• We get a free continental breakfast tomorrow morning.

Thank you, La Quinta. Spanish for “life saver.”

We’re off until next Monday. See you in 2009.

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* = Scott Guldin, we know a sign when we see one. We will never stand you up again.

Previously known as “What We’re Spinning,” now changed to “Voreplay” thanks to the suggestion of Mark Hoobler, this is a sporadic series — shamelessly copied from Eric Bescak — in which we share what’s in our CD player. (We get our iPod back soon. We think.)

Beck, Modern Guilt. Beck, like Christian Bale, is on that shortlist of men whom Ben feels compelled to randomly disparage on a semi-regular basis. “What was Beck thinking when he made a cameo in Southlander?” he might say during a lull in dinner conversation. “And what was with the fire-breathing mechanical T-Rex at the end of the movie?” This causes Erin to slam down her silverware and storm out of the room. When Ben clears the table later, he is disturbed to see that his wife has shaped her mashed potatoes into a startling likeness of Beck, with the green beans spelling out YOU’RE HOT. Ben sets the plate down and stares off into the middle distance, his heart heavy, and oh so brittle. 

     (We like the album, especially the song “Walls” featuring Cat Power.)

Dr. Dog, Fate. Sunny, catchy pop, with a winning combination of low-fi rough edges and harmonizing backing vocals of the doo-wop variety. At first listen, Dr. Dog will probably remind you of someone else: part-Beatles, part-Beach Boys, with a dash of The Band. Those are lofty comparisons, but Fate delivers several songs that justify them, namely “Army of Ancients” and “My Friend.” “Uncovering the Old” makes Ben giddy like a schoolgirl. Thank you, Anne Evans, for introducing us to these retro-pop hipsters. Whether or not Fate is better than past efforts Easy Beat or We All Belong we’ll leave to Anne and the experts.

Mason Jennings, In The Ever. The title, a significant improvement over his previous album (Boneclouds), is taken from Mason’s son asking him where he was before he was born, “You know dad, when I was in the ever?” Jennings has a gift for tackling religious and occasionally political themes without being overbearing, “I Love You and Buddha Too” being one particularly catchy example. Jennings also did two songs for the I’m Not There soundtrack, both lip-synched in the movie by the one-and-only Christian Bale.

Conor Oberst, Conor Oberst. What can we say, except that this is turning into a lesson on Erin’s crushes … before Ben punchisized them in the face. (For free!) Erin gets a little weak in the knees for voices that sound like bleating goats, and Conor is no exception. We go up and down with Bright Eyes; some of his songs are spectacular, others sound like what we imagine that moment before death must be like. Still, this is a pretty solid album. Looks like all that time in Mexico really paid off. Pass me some guacamole!

(Smog), Supper. A classic from the vault. Perfect music for winding drives up and down West Virginia backroads. Tracks five, six and seven — “Vessel in Vain,” “Truth Serum” and “Our Anniversary” — are a fantastic trio, and they give way to the shambling, impressionistic “Driving,” with whisper vocals, banjos and even fireworks. A high point in the (extensive) Smog/(Smog)/Bill Callahan discography.

(Smog), A River Ain’t Too Much To Love. A gorgeous album all around. Erin has listened to “The Well” on repeat from Exit 54 when NPR gets a little staticky until she arrives at school to teach kids about books and stuff. His voice is so deep, so crisp. Like an apple in fall. Or the Grand Canyon, if it was filled with ice cold lemon-lime Gatorade. Or the Mariana trench if it was holding a trillion crisp baby carrots.

Spiritualized, Songs in A & E. Spiritualized strikes us as the pop equivalent of Taize worship, striving for transcendence through monotony. The lyrics are simple and straightforward, building into choruses that repeat over and over and finally crescendo into, ideally, a spiritual experience. Some songs reach those lofty heights (notably “Sweet talk” and “Soul on fire”) but others just spin their psychedelic wheels. Nothing we have written here, alas, is as punchy as Eric Bescak’s distillation of the band as a “sad-but-willing-to-please Pink Floyd.”

David Sedaris, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. We’re big fans of audio books on road trips. We justify the expense by loaning them to friends when we’re done. So if you want this one, let us know. It’s both darker and mellower, with Sedaris clearly preoccupied with death. (Skeletons talk to him.) Our favorite essays include “It’s Catching” and “Solutions to Saturday’s Puzzle.” While we would’ve liked more of his brother Paul, Sedaris makes up for it by introducing us to a monster named Mrs. Peacock in “The Understudy.” But why settle for our recommendation? This is what others say about it on Amazon: “screamingly funny,” “PISS YOUR PANTS FUNNY!!”, “Had me laughing out loud several times!”, “pleased with purchase,” “when you are engulfed in laughter,” and “like a cold martini thrown in your ex’s face.” It’s exactly like that.

(Note: Voreplay officially takes the place of this week’s Friday Recommends. But if you find yourself going into Olympic withdrawal this weekend, may we recommend the greatest Winter Olympics movie of all time, The Cutting Edge, to prepare you for Vancouver in 2010?)

In the words of my (Erin) dad as he opens his birthday gifts and sounds like Rainman, “Uh-oh!” 

Some fierce allegations have been thrown at our betrothed, Mr. Christian Bale. 

His people claim that his outburst was him defending his wife’s honor. Her honor. Shakes me to the core. Every lady should be so lucky as to have her manpanion defend her honor. 

In the words of Matthew Leathers, “I blame the mother.  She shouldn’t mouth off to the gravy train with biscuit wheels.”

I for one want the record to show that I’d like to kick that family of his in the babymaker.

Keep fighting the good fight C-dawg.  The sun shant set on this dark knight.

A running dialogue with Mark and Katie Andolina during the car ride home from The Dark Knight:

KATIE ANDOLINA: My only complaint is not enough Christian Bale.

ERIN: I agree. Did you all know that Christian Bale does a different accent for every movie he appears in?

BEN: He bothered to make up an accent for Reign of Fire?

KATIE: I’m not sure where I’d fit this one in the Christian Bale Pantheon though.

MARK ANDOLINA: Did you like this or Iron Man more?

KATIE: Hmmm. Tough call. But I think I’d go this one.

MARK: I might actually go with Iron Man, although this was great too.

BEN: What did Medved say about Dark Knight?

MARK: I’m a week behind. I might go straight to Friday’s show to hear it. I’m sure he loved it.

BEN: My only complaint is that I knew it was Chicago. Gotham’s supposed to be mysterious, not the corn cob towers in broad daylight.

KATIE: Or traffic jams on Wacker. That’s where we got our car towed, remember?

MARK: How could I forget.

ERIN: Were you all aware that Christian Bale was handpicked by Winona Ryder to play Laurie in Little Women?

KATIE: Did you know that he’s a devoted animal lover, has two dogs, and adopted three cats which were all strays he found?

BEN: Were you all aware that Mark could totally take Christian Bale any day of the week?

MARK: I could, and I have.

KATIE: That’s why I married you, Marko.

ERIN: How would you not want to die in that movie?

MARK: I don’t think I’d especially like a pencil to the skull.

BEN: I wouldn’t be a fan of having a bomb sewn into my stomach.

ERIN: I might have damaged my liver by waiting until after the movie to pee. I just didn’t want to miss anything.

MARK: Yglesias had a good line about how this was not a PG-13 film. It was something like, “If Christian Bale stubbed his toe and said the f-word a couple times, then it would’ve been an ‘R’ movie. But lots of violence and mature themes, PG-13.”

KATIE: Christian Bale never says the F-word.

ERIN: The girls in the bathroom afterwards said they wanted resolution with the Joker. Was he just left there hanging?

BEN: I guess so. I thought they were going to set Two-Face up for the next movie, but I guess that’s not happening.

KATIE: Andy Sweeney was right about it being dark. He said he came home and wanted to watch Mr. Bean to cheer up.

MARK: I think we should hug Piper when we get home.

ERIN: Speaking of Mr. Bean, were you aware that Christian Bale made his professional debut opposite Rowan Atkinson on the London West End stage?

BEN: Were you aware my jawline and his jawline fought in high school and mine totally kicked its ass?

MARK: Were you aware Christian Bale trained for ten weeks in dancing and martial arts for the dance sequences in Newsies and Swing Kids?

KATIE: Honey, how did you know that?

MARK: I listen when you tell me things. And I didn’t want to feel left out.

BEN: Were you aware Christian Bale wasted two hours of my life with Equilibrium?

ERIN: What do you guys have planned for the week?

MARK: Well, I could get the week off if someone gets motivated to have a baby.

KATIE: I’m working on it.

BEN: What’s the first date someone picked on your delivery date prediction calendar?

MARK: Yesterday. I picked today, so I lost.

ERIN: If someone picked a date in November, would you still be friends with them?

KATIE: No.

BEN: Erin and I like to play a little game after we see a movie in the theaters called, What Was Your Favorite Trailer?

KATIE and ERIN (in robotic unison): Terminator Salvation starring Christian Bale.

MARK: The Watchmen looked pretty interesting.

BEN: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a trailer for a movie that’s not releasing for two years.

KATIE and ERIN: Were you aware that Christian Bale has been in two versions of the John Smith/Pocahontas story? He provides the voice of Thomas in Pocahontas and plays John Rolfe in The New World.

BEN: Were you aware that the IMDB page for Christian Bale is burned into our monitor?

MARK: We have the same problem!

KATIE: Were you aware Christian Bale dropped an amazing 63 pounds for his role as the emaciated insomniac Trevor Reznik in The Machinist with only a single vitamin consultation with a nutritionist to guide him? For the most part, he only ate salads and apples, chewed gum, smoked cigarettes and drank nonfat lattes.

BEN: Were you aware that’s the only Christian Bale movie my wife won’t see?

ERIN: Were you aware that Andy Sweeney does a great Patrick Bateman impersonation? You should ask him to show you.

MARK: Christian Bale’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

KATIE: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson.

ERIN: I saw Christian Bale scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.

BEN: He once punched a hole in a cow to see who was coming up the road.

MARK: His poop is considered a currency in Argentina.

KATIE: He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies.

ERIN: If you drop a phonograph needle on Christian Bale’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds.

BEN: One time I was with Christian in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. He goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Christian Bale! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘Christianbale’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

MARK: Christian Bale had a four day heart attack…a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.

KATIE: They found sixty dollars in change in his stomach.

ERIN: He once inhaled a seagull.

BEN: The Pope told him it was okay to have a mistress.

MARK: He has dandruff the size of mice.

KATIE: I read he was ranked 18th in the preseason NCAA Football polls.

ERIN: He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

BEN: He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.

EVERYONE: To Christian Bale!

(Everyone raises an imaginary stein of beer. Long silence.)

MARK: How long have we been parked here in our driveway?

KATIE: According to my watch, two hours.

ERIN: I need to pee again.

BEN: That’s our cue.

(With apologies to the writers of every Bill Brasky sketch ever.)

Erin to Ben in the car, after Ben put on M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes”: “Did you mean to put this in?”

What Erin was really saying: “I question both your musical taste and fitness to be my husband.”

How could Erin have handled this situation differently? By using hand motions to make an imaginary noose and hang herself, which at least makes Ben laugh.

—————

Ben to Erin, on a Sunday afternoon in April prior to the Music City Half-Marathon: “So, is watching Murder at 1600 on Fox 19 part of your cross-training regimen today?”

What Ben was really saying: “Don’t embarrass me in front of my new runner friends.”

How could Ben have handled this situation differently? By setting fire to the couch and TV.

—————

Erin to Ben, in the first month of marriage: “I’m starting a Goodwill pile of clothes and stuff if you’d like to donate to a good cause.”

What Erin was really saying: “I will not be married to a man with black suede shoes and pleated khakis.”

What could Erin have said to be more direct? “Ben, I love you, but you have the fashion sense of linoleum.”

—————

Scooter Thomas, while Ben and Erin are late for work in the morning:“Ack! Thpfft! Hack! Barf!” (Repeat eight times in a five minute time span in four different rooms.)

What Scooter was really saying: “I’m an emotionally fragile creature who has not received sufficient love and attention recently, and now you’re going to pay.”

How could Scooter have handled this situation differently?By allowing himself to be dropkicked across the lawn.

—————

Erin to Ben on Wednesday night after Ben came home from basketball: “I just put up a clothesline in the basement, in case that’s a piece of information you’d like to do something with.”

What Erin was really saying: “It smells like a small woodland creature crawled into your shorts and died. If you don’t immediately get them out of my sight, I’m going to put Newsies at the top of our Netflix queue again.”

What could Erin have said to be more direct? “Baby, I left eight piles of cat vomit for you to clean up. Enjoy!”