Soy Milk & Man Boobs

from The Huffington Post:

Hold the sushi and the soy lattes. Jeremy Piven, who recently recovered from a long battle with mercury poisoning, claims that he quit drinking soy milk because it caused confusion over his growing breasts.

“I was the guy that dabbled in soy milk, but now I’ve found out soy milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts,” he told STV. “I had to put the soy milk down. It was a very confusing time.”

Very confusing indeed.

Jeremy Piven: The gift that keeps on giving.

Things To Love About Ohio: Casinos

Daniel Craig, you have no good reason to avoid Cincinnati any longer.

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Ohio voters approved statewide casinos yesterday after previously voting them down four times in the past twenty years. What finally gave? Casino supporters successfully made the case that casinos would bring much-needed jobs and revenue. Or at least that’s what the MSM would have you believe.

Our hunch? Females in the twenty/thirtysomething bracket thought this might entice Daniel Craig to stop by more often.

(DANIEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Ohio: What Happens in Toledo Stays in Toledo!

More Ways We Might Spend Our Extra Hour

Last year we ruminated on a few possible ways we might make good use of that extra hour from Daylight Savings. (Perhaps that list may inspire you too.) This year we’ve got a few additional items on the docket:

• Taking Erik Brueggemann’s recommendation and finally reading Barb Johnson’s More of This World or Maybe Another.
• Taking Mike Allen’s recommendation and finally watching Role Models.
• Conceiving a child.
• Preparing a review of the New Moon soundtrack.
• Catching up on “30 Rock” episodes. ( “Lemon, when did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?”)
• Checking StubHub for cheap Cavs/Jazz tickets.
• Raking all those infernal leaves.
• Loving our enemies.
• (After we’ve unscrewed the caps on their salt shakers.)
• Crushing The Walden Chimps at fantasy football. (This would have happened regardless.)

The world is our oyster! So is yours. Go get ‘em.

“What If The Swine Flu Vaccine (Shot/Nasal Mist) Is The Mark Of The Beast??”

We aren’t usually in the habit of quoting from flyers left under our wiper blades in parking lots, but the one somebody put on our car at the Showcase Cinemas in Milford — the one which begins with the quote above (two question marks and all) — presented us with a question we honestly had never once given a lick of thought: What if the swine flu vaccine is the Mark of the Beast?(?) Have biblical scholars misread The Book of Revelation for the past two millennia? Were the Left Behind books actually … fiction? And maybe most troubling of all, why was our car the only one in the entire parking lot with this flyer left on it? (????????????) If the H1N1 vaccine is The Mark of the Beast, shouldn’t everyone be forewarned?

As the flyer says, “Forget Pre-tribulation scenarios.” We, for one, were hazy on our Pre-tribulation scenarios to begin with. If you want your own answers regarding the alleged diabolicalness of the swine flu vaccine, you won’t find them at your doctor’s office (also known as “The Innermost Circle of Hell”). There’s only one place you can find them: our trash can.

More Ways To Say “No” To Tobacco

• Be direct: “Chaw and the ladies don’t mix.”
• Be philosophical: “My parents instilled in me good values and upon careful reflection of my moral character I feel that chaw and the ladies don’t mix.”
• Hold grudges: “Tobacco stole my boyfriend once and I want nothing to do with her.”
• Or: “Joe the Camel ate my pet turtle.”
• Or: “My mom ran off with that tardwagon Marlboro Man when I was twelve.”
• Make a fashion statement: “I don’t like the tobacco can imprint on the back pocket of my Husky jeans. And neither does God.”
• Keep changing the subject: “Hey, look! Over there! It’s Bigfoot and Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench together!”
• Change the subject some more: “Who wants to go to a strip club?”
• Suggest another fun activity: “My nephew just built a meth lab. Let’s head over there instead!”
• Lie: “I already smoked three packs before breakfast.”
• Keep lying: “My father runs a drug cartel. You ever seen the movie Scarface? It’s not Pacino’s best work but it’s pretty good.”
• Pretend to be deaf: “WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’M PRETENDING TO BE DEAF!”
• Assert yourself: “I’m just too cool for tobacco.”
• Make an excuse: “Secondhand smoke gives my cat hives.”
• Be honest: “Do I look like someone who should be smoking?”
• Temporarily forget how to speak English: “Les carrots sont cuites. C’est la fin des haricots!”
• Claim that Lenny Dykstra is your dad.
• Throw water on your crotch and say, “It’s cool to pee your pants!”
• Pee your pants.

That Wallet Photo

Some readers have inquired about that “tasteful wallet shot” that will go to the winner of the Saving Matt Masterson’s Soul contest. Here you go:

If we’re in a good mood, we may throw this one of Ben and Scooter Thomas in too.

You’ll be the envy of all your friends!

The State of Matt Masterson’s Soul.

Thank you, all, for the many recommendations you have made as to albums which might stir the dark depths of Matt Masterson’s immortal soul. Please continue to make your recommendations through this Friday, October 10. After Matt picks the winner, he will listen to it — all the way through, if he can manage it — and report back on the state of his soul the following Friday, October 17. What we’re saying is: There’s still time! Keep the suggestions coming! Big brother Brian Masterson sure did! And this from a guy who had to take special classes to learn how to run!

And remember, if Matt picks your album suggestion, you get a free wallet shot of the Vores!

Now go watch that cat & dog mash-up of M.I.A. one more time.

Scooter Thomas Hearts M.I.A.

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(h/t Matthew Leathers)

Asheville: A Photographic Retrospective

Wedding season concluded for us this past weekend in Asheville, North Carolina. Sarah Davis (now Edge) tied the knot and then, validating her impeccable taste, chose Vancouver for her honeymoon.

The stay in Asheville was all too short. (And a bit waterlogged.) We’ll be going back soon.

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Helloooooo, ladies. [L to R] Bronwen, Meghan, Gail, Erin, Emily, Christy.

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The ladies after a delicious rehearsal dinner at 12 Bones. You ain’t had Baby Back Ribs until you’ve had 12 Bones.

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Cheerwine. Southern Crack.

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The Voglers, Beers and Mrs. Schwerdtmann. Jon G. Beers is looking, desperately, for a grandchild to hold.

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A cross section of Voreblog “Golden Readers.” God bless them.

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Andrew Cashmere, Ben and Mike Cicak debate who’s the brain, who’s the looks and who’s the wild card.

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The rare and exotic Cake Trees, native to the west Carolinas.

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Erin and Jon G. during the father-daughter dance. The boots, the boots, the boots are on fire!

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Jon G., hoping that a well-executed dance floor spin might magically induce pregnancy.

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Susie Beers to Ben: “Have you seen ‘Raising Arizona’? Jon’s ready to pull a Hi.”

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Katie 2, addicted to crack.

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Katie 2 and Katie 1 vie for Katie supremacy.

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The Daniels. They competed in two triathlons earlier that day. In those clothes.

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The band, shortly before Michael J. Fox came on for a killer guitar solo.

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The lucky couple.

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Sweeneyblog on the dance floor. Note the women and children are hiding.

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Some guy dancing with Susie, shortly before Jon G. took him out back.

Mini-Review: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

Holy Bones!  Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros’ album is good!

One word: Amazeballs!

Watch the video for “Home” from their album “Up From Below” here.

Thank you World Cafe.