It’s Official.

Move over, Geena Davis.

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The Pirates are in a league of their own.

UPDATE! And then there’s this dubious achievement, from game two of the series: “In the midst of a disappointing season, the Chicago Cubs started a game like no team has in almost two decades. Aramis Ramirez, Geovany Soto and Kosuke Fukudome had two-run hits in a record-tying first inning and the Cubs handed the hapless Pittsburgh Pirates their 11th loss in 12 games, 9-4 on Tuesday night.”

Woe Are The Pirates, Again.

If there was any doubt which team was the worst in the NL Central, the Pittsburgh Pirates emphatically asserted themselves as bottom feeders the past two days in Cincinnati. After getting swept in a twinbill yesterday, Pittsburgh lost to the Reds again tonight, 11-5. Ben was winding down his run at the Y when the game started, so he decided to keep running until the end of the first inning. Twenty-eight minutes and 3.4 miles later, Cincinnati was up 4-0. Also, judging from the crowd, 26 people were in attendance.

Futility, thy name is the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Woe Are The Pirates

Back to lighter fare:

There are two reasons worth mentioning the Pirates’ 17-2 loss to Chicago last night ( “Cubs Massacre Pirates,” said the Trib-Review), a loss which dropped the Buccos to 46-69 on the season:

1) We are throwing a bone to our devoted Cubs readership. Some stats worth noting: Chicago scored ten runs in the second inning, the first time in over five years it had scored at least ten in one inning. The Cubs also put up four in the first, so it was 14-0 by the top of the third. (We’ll relegate this stat to the parentheses: It was the third time in franchise history — and first in over a century — that the Cubbies scored at least fourteen runs in the first two innings.)

What else? Oh, yes — Derrek Lee! He tied a career high with 7 RBIs. Kosuke Fukudome hit a three run homer in the first and pitcher Randy Wells walked, singled, drove in a run and scored twice — all in the second inning. (He later doubled.)

The win snapped a five-game losing streak and kept Chicago within four and a half games of St. Louis in the Central. Chicago can look forward to the rest of the weekend: The Cubs lead the season series against Pittsburgh six to two.

2) As for the Pirates, the loss was their eleventh in twelve games. They’ve lost the last three games by a combined score of thirty-five to three.

Pittsburgh’s annual late July fire sale was, even by Pirates standards, epic. Adam LaRoche went back to Atlanta (via Boston). Freddy Sanchez went to the Giants. Jack Wilson moved to Seattle. (So did Ian Snell.) John Grabow was offloaded to the Cubs. All this came after trading Nate McLouth earlier in the season. When the smoke cleared, only one starter from Pittsburgh’s 2008 Opening Day roster — Ryan Doumit — was left.

Who did Pittsburgh get in return? Does it matter? If those players turn out to be good, they’ll be offloaded in three to five years for future prospects. The message from management to fans is clear: Don’t get attached. Also: If you have a heart, we will rip it out and eat it, Temple of Doom-style.

All the wheeling and dealing left pitcher Paul Maholm’s $2.5 million salary as tops on the team. To put that in perspective, it’s the same amount the Yankees pay Alex Rodriguez every time he takes a dump.

Also, Maholm is 6-7 with a 4.93 ERA this year.

Seventeen straight losing seasons — here we come!

UPDATE: The Cubs beat the Pirates this afternoon, 3-1. Former Bucco Tom Gorzelanny struck out eight in five innings for the win. He also singled in a run.

In other news, Lou Piniella petitioned MLB to change its schedule so Chicago can play Pittsburgh for the rest of the season.

This is good news.

from ESPN.com:

The Utah Jazz will match the four-year, $32 million offer the Portland Trail Blazers tendered their restricted free agent Paul Millsap, the team posted on its Web site and a league source confirmed to ESPN.com Thursday evening.

Now what happens to Boozer? Do Scott Guldin’s Bulls want him? What about Michael Link’s Knickerbockers? If I were actually friends with a soulless Miami Heat fan, I would ask the same question and insert his/her name here.

And what happens to Portland? Do they go after Lamar Odom? I think this would be a bad idea because I consider Odom a grade A doofus. But he’s a grade A doofus with a championship ring. And after being insulted by the Lakers offer, maybe he’ll be motivated to take a Western Conference rival to the Finals in place of his former team. Or maybe he’ll just violate the league’s drug policy again. Who knows.

Blazers Go After Millsap

The Jazz need to keep this guy.

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Once again, I (Ben) have been tardy addressing significant offseason developments with the Utah Jazz. Specifically: Portland signing Paul Millsap to an offer sheet. Utah has until this Friday to match. It should.

Millsap may not put up Carlos Boozer numbers, but there’s a future for Millsap in Utah, and there won’t be for Boozer after this season (if not sooner). More importantly, Millsap is a team player. He’s a hard worker. He’s only 24. He’s a Jerry Sloan kind of guy. Utah has always gone after “character” guys and valued team chemistry as much as individual talent. (This has not always been a virtue in the win column.) Millsap is firmly in this mold.

The question is: Is he worth paying the luxury tax? Because after Boozer and Mehmet Okur unexpectedly re-upped, the Jazz will certainly exceed the salary cap if it wants to keep Millsap. The other option is trading Boozer, which seems to be the route Utah wants to go, assuming it can swing a three- or four-way deal with teams who have cap room.

If it’s willing to pay, Utah should keep everyone together. If not, jettison Boozer, get something in return and lock down Millsap.

Being the bandwagon Blazers fan that I am, I wouldn’t be entirely unhappy to see Millsap land in the Rose City. But would he really be happy backing up LaMarcus Aldridge? And does Portland need another power forward when it has Steve Blake as its starting point guard?

In other NBA offseason news, Nike confiscated tapes of LeBron James getting dunked on by Xavier guard Jordan Crawford — yet another example of how ridiculously overmanaged the commercial image of NBA superstars is. Remember the Jordan commercial where he talked about all the game-winners he’d missed? Even as an MJ-hater, I loved that spot. Why can’t our heroes have blemishes?

Quick takes on other offseason moves:

Ron Artest to L.A. I’m sick and tired of hearing the Artest-is-reformed-and-is-the-missing-piece storyline, which we got last summer with Houston and will be subjected to ad infinitum this season. He’s a talent upgrade from Trevor Ariza. But he’s also nuttier than squirrel turds. One more reason for me to hate the Lakers.

Magic match Dallas’s offer for Marcin Gortat. Really? $34 mil over five years? For a guy who averaged 3.8 points and 4.5 rebounds per game last season? Doesn’t anyone remember Todd McCullough? If I shave my head and take a dump on the court every night for 24-28 minutes, will Orlando pay me $34 mil too?

Shawn Marion to Dallas. Like it. Marion needs a point guard like Jason Kidd to flourish, and I think he’ll fit right in. It doesn’t put Dallas at the top in the West but at least the Mavs stay relevant.

Boozer is Back

“The dog ate my opt-out clause.”

Two Jazz posts in two days! And it’s June!

Contrary to what he said in December and what most everyone was expecting, Carlos Boozer will return to Utah next year. He joins Mehmet Okur and Kyle Korver in exercising the last year on his contract to stay in Salt Lake.

What to make of this?

1. Boozer wants to get paid. Given that he played just 38 games last season and that Utah started tanking as soon as he returned to the line-up, Boozer was not getting a better offer from Detroit (or anyone else) this summer.

2. Boozer really wants to get paid in 2010. I can’t believe that Boozer wants to stay in Utah, especially after the bridges he burned last season. So I’m guessing he’ll come to play this season in the hopes of landing a sweet deal as an unrestricted free agent next summer.

3. This might actually be the dream scenario for Utah. A motivated Boozer looking to get paid + a consistent starting line-up + scrappy Eric Maynor = 2010 NBA Champs? A man can dream.

Locking up Boozer long-term would have been a bad terrible move. He’s reached the ceiling on his potential. He might be an All-Star again, but he’ll never be the dominant, go-to guy who could take a team to the Finals. Maybe he wouldn’t need to be with Deron Williams around. Regardless, Boozer’s not suiting up in a Jazz uniform beyond the upcoming season.

While I don’t expect anyone picking Utah to win it all next year, I like the way the pieces are fitting together. The question mark is Paul Millsap, who would’ve really had a chance to shine with Boozer skipping town. The two don’t play well together. Millsap is the keeper of the two, and the guy I’d prefer as a teammate. I can’t imagine he’s happy today. Keeping him next year would mean paying the luxury tax, but word is the Jazz would be willing to pay it. It should.

Eric Maynor to the Jazz

Hello, Salt Lake City!

I know virtually all of you have been dying to know how Ben felt about Utah’s showing in the 2009 NBA Draft. I apologize for making you wait an entire four days for this report.

I really like Eric Maynor. (Chad Ford called him “the most underrated player in the draft.”) You may recall that he hit the game-winning shot against Duke in the first round of the 2007 NCAA Tournament.

I really like anyone who beats Duke.

I also really like anyone who plays four years of college basketball. The fact Maynor is also VCU’s all-time leading scorer and assists leader is, shall we say, not a bad thing.

Bottom line: I really like Maynor. I think he’ll be a great back-up for Deron Williams and Ronnie Brewer. This doesn’t seem to leave room for Ronnie Price (who I like), but Price had plenty of opportunities last year to leave his mark.

Should we be concerned that Maynor will exact bloody revenge on Jerry Sloan for cutting Maynor’s dad 29 years ago? Somebody needs to make sure he’s not keeping an ice pick in his locker.

As for Utah’s second round pick, the Jazz picked Kosta Koufos Goran Suton out of Michigan State. I like that he’s also a senior. I don’t like that his game is indistinguishable from that of Kosta Koufos. Look for Suton to play in Europe for a couple years, grow a beard, then attempt to be the second coming of Mark Eaton.

I invite fellow NBA aficionados to sound off on how their favorite teams fared in the draft.

Let me also reiterate just how much I hate the Spurs and their savvy front office moves.

Reds 4, Cubs 3

Tonight we made it to the ballpark for the first time this summer. Never underestimate the comedic opportunity that the average, inebriated fan can reap from the name “Fukudome.”

NBA Finals Fail

The joke’s on us, people.

 

Scott Guldin (rightfully) calls us out for failing to get this thread up and running prior to last night’s horrific Game One.

Kobe after the game: “I just want it so bad, that’s all. I just want it really bad.”

Awww. Mamba wants it so bad.

Just like he wanted to beat those rape charges so bad.

Harsh? We don’t think so. Please, David Stern, ABC and NBA Inc., stop trying to force-feed the image of Kobe as a great guy and great teammate down our throats. He’s the best player in the league right now, but let’s leave it at that.

Our thoughts after Game One (which, obviously, we* missed live): Please, mercifully, let this series be over as quickly as possible. 

In the words of Tracyanne Campbell, “Lloyd, I’m ready to be heartbroken.”

 

* = “We” obviously means “Ben.”

Numb What?

In case you haven’t gathered, we’ve been spending a lot of time on YouTube lately.

 

This reminds us how much we liked Spellbound. (And how we wish we could mute everything Tom Bergeron says.)

Erin’s kickball team (Balls Deep) finished its regular season undefeated tonight. And no pulled quads this week!

And here’s to the Pittsburgh Pirates management. Why rebuild for seventeen years when you can do it for eighteen!

 

(Our endless hours on YouTube also made us appreciate just how many dumb people have appeared on “The Price Is Right” over the years. Proof: Here and here, and this guy bid $250,000 on a Showcase Showdown. We’re speechless.)